would be so easy just to agree and send her friend away, but Kate felt like she had lied, even if by omission, more in the past few days than she had in years, and she was tired of it. That wasn’t her; it wasn’t who she was. “No, Chloe, I am post-call and had a late night. Come in so I can stop standing in the doorway half-naked.”
Chloe stepped through into the small kitchen and perched on a stool at the kitchen bar. Kate shut the door and joined her, starting to make coffee. “It’s okay, I actually brought coffee for both of us, though by the looks of things you could use both.”
Kate smiled ruefully at the comment, wondering how she could have missed the tray and bag in Chloe’s hands but grateful to not have to make an effort and at the accuracy of Chloe’s assessment.
“I brought the coffee and muffins in case you wanted to study together; I didn’t think you would be post-call today,” Chloe said.
“I’m not technically post-call. I’m post-post-call, which is normally fine except that I didn’t get much sleep last night so it still feels like the day after.” Kate was normally very disciplined in her post-call routine—she needed to be or the fatigue would drag on for the entire week.
“Did you have an extender shift yesterday?” Chloe asked, obviously puzzled. Kate had worked as a physician extender after her first two years of residency had ended and she had passed her basic boards. The shifts involved her being on call and available for medical emergencies in various rehabilitation facilities and nursing homes. The shifts paid well and she had needed the money to help with the massive interest payments on her student loans. Kate had had to stop taking the shifts once she had become Chief Resident because of the added workload of her new role and needing to study for her final board exams.
Kate’s expression faltered at the immediate vision of Matt naked and pressed against her. She blinked, holding her eyes shut against the memory. When she opened them Chloe’s face had transitioned from surprise to disbelief.
She couldn’t face the look or the questions that were about to follow, so she turned and left the kitchen, moving to the soft yellow couch, curling her legs beneath her and covering herself with the throw blanket. Chloe read her friend correctly and said nothing as she moved to follow Kate, taking a place on the opposite end of the couch. She brought her offering with her, handing Kate a muffin and pressing a coffee into her other hand. Then to Kate’s surprise she didn’t say anything else. She just sat, and waited.
The silence was calming. It helped Kate regain her composure and gave her time to think as opposed to react. She absently picked at the muffin, thinking through the events of the last few days, and realized that Chloe was right, she did need to learn to talk about her feelings. She needed to tell someone, needed to say the words and thoughts in her head aloud before she went crazy, rethinking, reanalyzing, reliving the same moments over and over again.
“Have you ever been in love with someone when they didn’t love you back?” Kate asked, more as an explanation than a question. “When I was at university, completing my undergraduate degree, I fell in love with my best friend and in the end he didn’t love me back.”
“I’m sorry, Kate, but I don’t understand how that connects to now.”
“Tate and I broke up because he asked me to marry him. When I looked down and saw him on one knee, holding out an engagement ring, the first thought in my head was that it should have been Matt. And that was when I knew I didn’t love Tate in the same way, not enough to be his wife.”
“Oh.” Chloe’s face was beyond shocked. They had never talked about why she and Tate had ended, just that they had. She hadn’t told her about the proposal or about Matt or the role he had played. “Kate, that was months ago. What happened with Tate last night?”
“Nothing. We talked and it was nice. For the first time since we broke up I actually think he and I might be okay.”
“If nothing happened with Tate, why are you tired with what appears to be stubble burn on your cheek?” Chloe asked pointedly.
Kate felt heat rise through her as her hand reached up to touch the mentioned area, feeling the change in her sensitive skin. “That’s from Matt. He kissed me last night and for a few minutes I forgot about our past.”
“Are we talking about the same Matt? The Matt I met yesterday? The lawyer who was meeting with Tate to discuss the case?”
“Same Matt. As luck would have it, the hospital hired my old ex to defend my new ex and me. Horrible, isn’t it? The only two men I have ever been with in my entire life in a room together. I never told Tate about Matt. I didn’t want to hurt him any more than I already was, and I couldn’t explain how and why I still had feelings for the man who broke my heart.”
“Does Matt know about your relationship with Tate?”
“Yes, but how much I don’t know. He keeps making comments about Tate that I don’t understand.”
“Is he jealous?”
“No, of course not, he has no reason to be jealous. If he wanted me he could have had me, but he didn’t. He told me to my face that he didn’t love me and then walked away, back to his girlfriend, and never looked back. Jealousy implies wanting something someone else has, and Matt made it perfectly clear he didn’t want me.”
“If he doesn’t want you, how do you explain his marks on your body?”
“I can’t. Maybe he’s lonely and I’m convenient, again,” she sighed.
“That sounds really harsh, Kate.”
“No, what’s harsh is walking out on someone who maybe you didn’t love but at least should have cared about enough not to obliterate her existence from your life.”
“When did all that happen?”
“Right before medical school started. As you recall, I wasn’t exactly coping well with life when we first met.”
“Makes sense now. I wish you had told me then, though.”
“Talking about it would have made it worse. As it was, it took me a long time to realize that he wasn’t who I’d thought he was and we weren’t what I’d thought we were.”
“I’m sorry, Kate.”
“Me too.”
“Are you going to tell Tate about your past with Matt?” Chloe asked.
“No, it’s in the past and I refuse to give Matt any more importance in my life and humiliate myself again by explaining it all to Tate.”
“You’re being pretty hard on yourself over this, Kate,” Chloe said sympathetically.
Kate shook her head and stood from the couch. “I made a huge mistake with Matt and I refuse to risk ever repeating it.”
“So if you don’t have any feelings for this guy then what the hell happened last night?”
“Insanity and fatigue happened. I woke up and it was like how it used to be and for a moment it was the old Matt and the old Katie. But I guarantee you that will never happen again. I know too much about Matt. I’m not the naïve girl I once was. I have my own life now and I know that I don’t need
