was only his fascination with watching her that kept him from losing control. Gently, Matt lifted his hips to meet her downward stroke. Then with each subsequent stroke she came down a little faster, a little harder, a little deeper as Matt continued to rise up to meet her. Then he heard her start to hold her breath, little cries escaping her throat, until she raised herself to his tip and came down as deep and hard as his first thrust, crying out, and he felt her shudder and pulsate against him. He gripped her hips, pulling her as hard to him as he could, and cried out with equal satisfaction as he emptied into her still pulsating body.
She was collapsed against him, panting and slick with sweat, when he heard her whisper, “I love you.”
His heart had been pounding and his mind racing, trying to take in everything that had just happened. It was an impossible situation to avoid, with Katie wrapped around him, him still inside her. He had played with fire and had gotten burned. After over a year of resisting his attraction to her they had gone over a cliff together, past the point of no return. He tried to think rationally, which was almost impossible in the circumstances, but one of them had to, and apparently it wasn’t going to be Katie. He had heard of women becoming emotionally attached to their first lovers, overwhelmed by the experience. Was that what she was feeling? Surely if Katie loved him she would have told him before this.
He wrapped his arms back around her and stood, still clutching her to him. He strode through to the bedroom, where he laid her on the bed, finally separating them. He was pained at the small stain of blood on her thigh, recalling the force that had put it there. He lay down beside her, drawing the duvet over both of them. Katie backed against him, her curves tucking against him, and without thought he wrapped his arm around her. “I’m sorry, I didn’t know. Are you okay?” he asked quietly.
“I’m perfect,” she responded softly, taking his hand in hers and nestling further into him. Minutes later she was asleep, her breathing the only sound in the dark quiet night.
He didn’t sleep. He lay there tortured by the naked reminder of what they had done and tried to figure out where they would go from there. He stared at the night’s lights through his bedroom window and played the arguments in his head over and over again. They had passed the point of no return, and the impossible task of saying goodbye to her had just gotten infinitely harder. It had been a night of firsts for both of them. Kate had lost her virginity and he had actually felt like they had made love, unlike his previous physical encounters. With the added emotion he had become out of control with desire and need. He couldn’t think straight. Not with Katie naked, pressed against him. Not while he was hard and using all his energy just to resist waking her up to make love to her all over again.
When morning had come, he awoke to find Katie facing him, her eyes watching him intently. “I’m not going to Boston.” She had been definitive in her statement and Matt felt the ramifications of their night together growing beyond what he had lain awake imagining.
“Of course you are. I’m going to New York and you are going to Boston, Katie. You know that.” He tried to keep the panic from his voice and match her decisiveness.
“I don’t want to go to Boston, Matt. Not without you.” The situation was spiraling out of control. Did she know what she was saying? Medical school, her scholarship, everything she had worked for, she was going to give that up? For him? No way in hell was he going to let that happen. He had spent his life not being able to have his own dreams or plans and he would be damned if Katie was going to give up hers. He got out of the bed and grabbed the nearest pair of jeans on the bedroom floor, wincing slightly as the denim covered his body’s response to her nakedness.
In a single moment he knew what he needed to do and didn’t stop to think before the words came from his mouth. “Katie, last night was a mistake.” She recoiled and he could tell that he had hurt her, but if that was what it took to keep her from throwing her life away then so be it.
“I don’t believe you.” He could tell that she was trying to be brave with her tone and eye contact, but he also saw that she was now clutching the sheet in her fist as she clung to it. She was still so innocent and he wasn’t going to let his family take that from her.
“I told you last night that I was sorry it happened.” Even he wasn’t sure at that moment whether he was telling the truth or not. Would he trade last night not to hurt her this morning? The only thing he did know was that he would not let her sacrifice her dreams for him.
“And I told you last night that I love you. And I think you love me too.”
She was so brave and so beautiful, and at that moment he knew that he did love her, was in love with her, and loved her enough to do the right thing and let her go, by whatever means necessary.
“Katie, you don’t love me. You just think you love me because of last night, because of it being your first time.”
“Don’t tell me what I think or how I feel, Matt. I loved you before last night, during last night, and even now.”
“Katie, I’m sorry. I don’t love you.” And he turned and left the room, but not before he saw the look of pain strike as his words hit her. When he entered the living room, reminders of the previous night were all around. The half-eaten pizza, the couch cushions on the floor, their clothes haphazardly scattered across the room. He had to leave. He couldn’t face any reminders of what they had shared, reminders that might make him weaken and change his mind, go back to her, tell her he loved her, let her sacrifice herself to be with him. He picked up his shirt, grabbed his keys and left without looking back. When he returned hours later the apartment was empty and Katie was gone.
A SLEEPLESS NIGHT turned into a painful morning as Matt arrived at his office. For the first time in his life he had arrived after eight and already regretted the time spent in self-recrimination over a past that he could not change. He walked through the waiting room on a direct route to his office and saw Tate stand and walk towards him.
“We need to talk,” Tate said bluntly. He was looking him directly in the eye and was obviously not going to back down or be dissuaded.
“Not here,” Matt replied, aware that there was potential for this conversation to end in the two men coming to blows, and wanting to keep that event out of the office. “I need a cup of coffee.”
The two men walked out in silence and remained that way for the ten minutes it took them to reach a local coffee shop. They each ordered and sat down at a table, sizing up each other. Tate was not backing down in his gaze or the hard line of his jaw.
“Are you here to tell me to stay away from Kate?” Matt asked bluntly, challenging the man sitting opposite him.
“No. Kate is a grown woman who is capable of making her own decisions,” Tate answered calmly. The man was confident, but Matt would be too if he had just come from Kate’s bed.
“Apparently,” he replied sarcastically. “So what do we need to talk about, then?”
“Whether you are the best person to be representing us,” Tate answered in the same calm tone, unfazed by Matt’s barb.
“I’m the best,” Matt stated definitively. Through the long hours of last night he had questioned that very issue, wondering if he could stand being with Kate and the man who had taken his place throughout the duration of the case. In the end he’d decided to stay on the case because he still wanted the best
