hurt, would you want to be with him?”
“Yes.”
“Are you still in love with him?”
“Yes.” She was surprised at how quickly the words left her, but knew in the instant she heard her own answer that it was the truth.
“Can you talk me through what happened last time?”
“He was my everything. We met in my third year of undergraduate studies at Brown and became friends. He still had a long-distance girlfriend back in New York. During our friendship I fell in love with him, but never told him or acted on my feelings. After graduation he was going to law school in New York and I had a full scholarship to medical school in Boston.”
“So what changed things?”
“Our last night together was unbearable. It was the end: he was going to go on with his life and me with mine. I spent the evening torn between telling him I loved him and just saying goodbye. Then before I said anything he kissed me.”
“And?”
“And I thought we made love.”
“I’m confused.”
“We had sex. I told him I loved him and fell asleep in his arms happier than I had ever been in my entire life. The next morning I knew I couldn’t say goodbye and I told him I wasn’t going to.”
“And?”
“He said he didn’t love me and it had been a mistake. Then he went back to New York to be with his girlfriend and I never heard from him again.”
“Oh, my God, Kate, I’m so sorry. I can’t even imagine how devastating that must have been.”
“What’s worse is that I didn’t believe him at first. After he left I waited for him to come back to apologize, to tell me the truth, that he loved me and things were going to be okay. But he never came back. I sat in his apartment for hours, waiting, hoping, and he never came back. Even after I left his apartment, I still thought he just needed time, that there was no way he could touch and hold me the way he had and not be in love with me too.”
“So what did you do?”
“I held on as long as I could. I gave up my scholarship to Boston and managed to secure a place at Columbia in New York. I begged my father to take a second mortgage on our house to cover the lost scholarship and I left messages for Matt to tell him I was in New York when he was ready to talk.”
“He never tried to contact you?”
“No, he never looked back. I believed in him so much that I lost all faith in myself.”
The waitress arrived with their order and Kate was grateful for the interruption. As cathartic as it felt to finally talk about what had happened, it also brought to the surface how she had felt.
Both women were silent as they began to eat. Kate’s mind kept telling herself the story. Matt’s abandonment had left her with a small seed of self-doubt that had germinated over months of loneliness. She hadn’t been able to resist following the coverage of his life in the society pages, and seeing him with other women had intensified her loneliness.
It had been a cold, windy day in November when she’d seen him again, walking across campus. She hadn’t seen him in five months but had recognized him instantly in the crowd. She’d called his name and he’d turned to look and then kept walking. She’d convinced herself that he hadn’t seen her. The second time she’d seen him she’d called his name more loudly and he’d moved his head slightly in her direction but hadn’t turned around.
The final rejection had come in March. She had been sitting in a local coffee shop, studying, determined to make the dean’s honor list so she would qualify for a scholarship the following year. She had been deep in thought when she’d had a sense that she hadn’t felt in almost a year. She’d looked up and seen Matt, the same old Matt, in jeans and a cream sweater, with his brown leather tote bag slung across one shoulder. She’d seen him as he’d been looking at her and turning away.
That time she hadn’t been able to say anything, she hadn’t called out his name or even moved from her seat. She’d watched in horror as he’d walked away from her and out of the shop. In an instant all her fears had been confirmed. She had no longer been able to deny that he knew she was in New York and he’d wanted nothing to do with her.
She looked up to see that Chloe wasn’t eating. She glanced at her own plate, which was almost full with her favorite pesto linguine that she had no appetite for. “Do you want to get this to go?”
“Yes, please. I’m exhausted,” Chloe replied. As they waited for the check it was Chloe who broke the comfortable silence.
“Kate, can you think of any reason why Matt walked away from you?”
“I’ve thought of every reason. The only one that justifies his actions is that he really didn’t love me.”
“You’re sure?”
“Yes.”
“So what do you want now?”
“I want the impossible. I want to trust the man I love to love me back and not break my heart again.”
IT WAS ANOTHER week before she heard from Matt again. A whole week to replay their entire relationship from their friendship to the night they’d made love, and the repercussions that had followed.
Kate was once again in the emergency department, reviewing consultations with the junior residents, when her pager went off. She looked down at the little black box that seemed forever attached to her and didn’t recognize the number.
She reached for the nearest phone and dialed the displayed number. “This is Kate Spence. Someone paged?” she answered once the person on the other end picked up.
“It’s Matt.”
She paused, not sure what to say. Her conversation with Chloe had helped her understand her feelings towards Matt and it felt even harder to talk to him knowing she still loved him.
“Kate.” Matt said her name.
“I’m here.” She had lowered her voice, not sure where the conversation was headed but knowing she didn’t want it overheard.
“We need to get together to talk about that night,” Matt stated, in what Kate considered to be an overly businesslike tone for something so intimate, something so personal. She arched her back in defense and looked around the crowded emergency department to ensure that no one was within earshot.
“I gave you more than enough opportunity to talk about that night nine years ago, Matt. I don’t want to talk about it now.” She waited and heard him exhale slowly.
“I meant the night that Mr. Weber died, Kate. I need to finish your statement to help with the case. But, for the record, a talk about the other night is long overdue.”
