and powerful…that had made her muscles clench with tension whenever she’d found herself in his company. His brother Sasha had once goaded Ellie with his assertion that Nikolai had a ruthless streak that would shock her to her bones, should she ever have cause to anger him, and that forgiveness just wasn’t part of his make-up. Once you got on the wrong side of him…look out!
But then Sasha would have said that. He had always been jealous of his more successful, enigmatic older brother. His own easy charm had won him many friends, but Nikolai’s dependable solidity and hardworking ethic won him the respect and admiration that the younger man had craved. Ellie had learned that from day one in her role as nanny to Sasha and her sister Jackie’s baby girl, in the imposing Park Lane house where she had agreed to live after Jackie had died in childbirth.
The brothers’ rows had made the walls shake, she remembered. But despite what Sasha had asserted Nikolai had always seemed to be the first to want to heal any rifts.
‘Why did you come to see me?’ she asked now, willing her pounding heart to somehow calm down as Nikolai drew nearer.
‘You can ask me that? After all that has happened?’
He spoke several languages besides his native Russian, and his English was near perfect. But right then his native accent was unmistakable—even pronounced. Beneath it seethed a vast sea of anger and resentment. All directed towards her.
‘What happened to Sasha was the most t-terrible thing,’ Ellie stuttered. ‘I’m willing to talk to you—of course I am—but there’s nothing new I can tell you about what happened, I’m afraid.’
‘Is that so?’
‘I know these years since you lost your brother must have been very hard for you, but my hope has always been that when we met again you would somehow have come to realise that the accident wasn’t my fault, and that we could move away from any suggestion of blame or recrimination.’
‘Is that what you hoped? Well, I have to advise you that such futile hope is both a travesty and a complete waste of time! Instead of talking to me after the inquest, which is what you should have done, or at least seeing for yourself that your niece was all right, you chose to run away with your disreputable father. Since then have clearly made a pleasant and successful life for yourself! Of course you want that to continue! But now you must begin to realise that it might not. Why you agreed to drive Sasha that day in my car, when you had only just passed your test and I had told him to stay put until I returned, has dogged my every waking hour. Trust me when I tell you I will not rest until I finally learn the reason!’
Nikolai had barked that question at Ellie outside the court on the day of the inquest, and her father had put his arm round her and sworn at him in his daughter’s defence.
‘Leave her alone!’ he had cried. ‘Don’t you think she’s been through enough?’
Again Ellie longed for a drink to help lubricate her painfully dry throat.
‘I still can’t tell you the reason. You surely can’t have forgotten that I hurt my head in the accident and lost all memory of what happened that day? In all this time I’m sorry to say it’s never returned. It’s like a lost piece of a jigsaw that I just can’t find…no matter how hard I try. The doctors told me at the hospital that it could return all of a sudden or maybe not at all. I’m sorry if you find that hard to accept, but it’s the truth!’
‘How very convenient for you!’
Experiencing genuine heartfelt anguish at Nikolai’s caustic response, Ellie linked her hands tightly together in front of her. Did he think it was easy for her, losing the memory of a whole day? No matter how terrible it had been? Some might say it was a blessing, but all she knew was that doubt, fear and guilt had lain heavy on her heart ever since—because she couldn’t even remember why she would have got into a car with Sasha and driven when she had barely passed her test.
Although charming, Sasha had been reckless and unpredictable, and losing Jackie had seemed to unbalance him even more. He had made no attempt to bond with his baby daughter at all and, if Nikolai hadn’t stepped in and given her a home the child would have been starved of all the love and affection that was her birthright, Ellie was sure. But it was Sasha’s seriously addictive behaviour that had disturbed Ellie the most, she remembered.
‘It’s not convenient for me in any way! How could you say such a thing? Don’t you think what happened left its scars on me? And I’m not just talking about physical ones!’
‘Yes. You would know all about the psychological scars of such a trauma, would you not, Dr Lyons? Especially the ones associated with extreme guilt!’
Ellie actually stepped away from the man confronting her, because his barely contained fury seriously disturbed her. The smartly furnished conference room suddenly felt like a tomb to her, and she grasped at her rapidly melting composure. But the seams holding back strong emotions from the aftermath of that distressing time were slowly bursting apart.
‘I don’t deny that I have guilt—but that’s because I left Arina, not because I know I caused the accident! How can I admit to such a dreadful thing when I don’t even remember what happened?’ she cried.
‘My brother was only twenty-eight years old, Elizabeth… Too young to die so senselessly. Not to know why he died in such a way means that I cannot simply lay his spirit to rest and forget! What do I tell his daughter when she is grown? Have you ever thought about that?’
Feeling numb, Ellie couldn’t find the words to answer him.
‘The fact that he died is not the worst of it! What I cannot forgive is that when you decided to get into the car with him and take the wheel you also took Arina along for the ride! She was just a baby! What could you have been thinking?’
Ellie knew that Arina had survived the terrible accident that had killed her father and maimed her nanny and aunt without a scratch on her, strapped securely into her baby seat. The collision they’d had mercifully only crushed the front of the car, leaving the back miraculously intact. The Divine had definitely been looking out for the infant that dreadful day, and Ellie had often wept with gratitude. She could never have left if she had known the child was hurt. If she had been killed along with her father, Ellie would have wanted to die too! The thought that the little girl might have been harmed in any way still had the power to give her nightmares…
‘How can I answer that? Haven’t you been listening to anything I’ve said? I took my responsibilities extremely seriously as far as looking after my niece was concerned, and all I know is I would never have done anything to put her in jeopardy!’
‘But you did put her in jeopardy—did you not, Elizabeth? She could easily have been killed along with her father!’ Nikolai threw her the most contemptuous glance imaginable, and right then Ellie honestly did feel like dying.
But she quickly reminded herself she’d suffered enough regret and distress to last her ten lifetimes, and knew it would serve no purpose whatsoever to ceaselessly revisit those debilitating emotions. Life moved on. She had moved on—even if the man in front of her hadn’t. It still appeared that he wanted to punish and blame her for what had happened to his brother.
Hugging her arms over her chest, Ellie moved her head slowly from side to side. ‘I would never have allowed anything or anyone to harm the baby… I adored her! I—I… ’
‘What?’
‘I
