cheek. ‘You know how I feel about you.’
She held her breath, trying not to turn her head towards his cheek. She had to stay strong.
‘I care about you, Lexi. You know I do.’
Care.
A gentle word. A quiet word. A word without passion and without soul. Nothing like the passion he’d just shown her. Her heart could break in two right now.
Her gaze swept down to the wet street. Black, totally black. Just like the sensations that were coursing through her body.
‘Care. It’s an interesting choice of word.’ Even she could hear how detached her voice sounded. How disappointed.
He wasn’t looking at her again. She understood. He couldn’t look at her. He couldn’t give her any more. Put him on the spot and he just shut down.
This was pointless. She wanted more than Iain could ever offer her. It was time to walk away.
This was a disaster. This whole night had been a disaster and it was nothing to do with Lexi not winning the award.
She deserved better than him. He should have watched her more closely—kept an eye on her. Jack Parker would never have got his hands on her then. He shuddered to think what could have happened in there.
He hadn’t been able to protect her. Just like he hadn’t been able to protect his wife.
But now Lexi was asking him difficult questions. It would be so much easier to shrug them off and just continue as before. Their relationship was developing slowly. But he still couldn’t be honest with her. He wasn’t ready.
But her trembling lips were breaking his resolve—no matter how hard she was trying to hide them.
‘I don’t care about you, Iain.’
His head shot around to face her. ‘What?’
She shook her head firmly as a single tear trailed down her cheek. She lifted her hand and pressed it against her chestbone. ‘I love you. I didn’t want to. I don’t want to. But I can’t help how I feel.’ She looked at him with her big blue eyes. ‘But I know you don’t feel the same, Iain. I can tell. I can feel it.’
He opened his mouth to speak but she lifted her hand to stop him.
‘Don’t. Don’t make this any harder than it already is. You can’t share with me—not really. There are permanent shadows around your eyes. The only time they vanish is when we make love. And it’s not enough, Iain. It’s not enough for me. I can’t compete with a ghost.’
‘What?’ Her words resounded around his head. ‘You think you’re competing with Bonnie? Why on earth would you think that?’
‘Because you won’t let me in.’ Her answer came back straight away. ‘I need more. I want more. I want you to love me like I love you. We all have secrets, Iain. Things that we don’t share with anyone but the people we love.’
His eyes fixed on the black flowing water, rushing and tumbling past them. This was it. It was time to tell Lexi the truth. They had no future together. But she had to know it was because of him—not because of her. And not because of a ghost.
‘I don’t deserve you, Lexi. I don’t deserve anyone. All I do is hurt the people I love.’
Her brow wrinkled. ‘This is about Bonnie, isn’t it? Why on earth would you say that? You’ve told me about Bonnie, and about your children. That was a tragedy. A horrible thing to happen to anyone. But it was bad luck. Horrible, horrible bad luck. But why does that mean we can’t have a chance?’
Her words were swimming through his head. Juggling back and forth with the blackness and feelings of guilt. The horrible weight of responsibility.
It was almost as if someone had pushed a little button, flicked a switch somewhere inside him. He couldn’t think about the ‘right’ words to say.
He couldn’t think at all. He had to get this over with. Once Lexi knew the truth she would happily walk away.
‘Because it was my fault!’ he yelled.
The words echoed through the inky black night, carrying along the dark path and beyond.
Lexi flinched backwards, shock stamped all across her face.
There was silence. Iain couldn’t speak, he was surrounded by the steamy breath that he’d just shot out and his heart was pounding in his chest.
He said it. He’d got it out there. But instead of feeling the weight of relief he might have, he just wanted to crumple down into a ball. He’d lost his wife and children because of his selfish behaviour. Instead of protecting his family, he’d destroyed them completely. No wonder he had problems sleeping at night.
Lexi looked stunned. Her hand touched his sleeve. Her voice was quiet, almost whispering. ‘How? How can it be your fault? Your wife died during childbirth.’
He squeezed his eyes shut. ‘It’s my fault because Bonnie had wanted to give up IVF. We’d already had two attempts and she was done. She’d had enough.’ He opened his eyes again to face Lexi, pointing his finger at his chest. ‘It’s my fault because I persuaded her to give it one last go. We still had viable embryos. I wanted to give them a chance. I didn’t stop and think about the effects on Bonnie—mentally and physically. I was so fixated on getting a family. I thought with my love and support we would be fine.’
It was like scraping an iron claw down her back, digging it deep into her delicate flesh. He had no idea how much those words hurt. She didn’t believe it had been Iain’s fault for a second. But he’d just revealed how fixated he was on a family. A family she could never provide. Yet another reason to leave.
‘Are you honestly telling me that Bonnie was unhappy being pregnant?’
‘What? Of course not. She was delighted. She was over the moon to fall pregnant. And when we found out she was having twins it made everything she’d ever gone through seem worthwhile.’
‘So how does that make it your fault, Iain? Bonnie could have said no. She could have refused to be implanted again.’
‘But she did, Lexi. I persuaded her. I did.’ Even though he’d got the words out there, his frustration was still building in his chest. His voice was rising. ‘If I had left Bonnie alone she would still be here. If I hadn’t pushed for the final round of IVF Bonnie wouldn’t have died. She’d still be alive. Still here to breathe. Still here to do the things she loved with the people she loved. Instead, I see her every night in my dreams. I see the panic on her face as she realises something is wrong, something is very wrong. I watch the monitors around her as she starts to bleed out and her blood pressure plummets. Amidst the panic in the room I hear her whisper to save the babies as she squeezes my hand. She believed in me, Lexi. She trusted me to save our children.’
He leaned against the barrier to the Thames, putting his head in his hands. His legs were shaking. He was back in that brightly lit room again. Filled with more doctors and midwives than he’d ever imagined. Every time he turned he was in someone’s way. Watching the life drain out of his beloved wife, and watching the faces of the staff as they
