how I did that, do you?
– No, sir!
– Then I entered the School of Captains…
– You went back to school, sir?
– Indeed, we were joking when we were young that after the Academy of Navigators you need to go to the School of Captains, and in order to become an Admiral, you probably should go to the Kindergarten… And everybody laughed like hippos!
– This is really very funny, sir!
– You bet! We thought so, too, but it’s not as funny as that, Hans, and you will know why one day!
– Then I had been serving for several years on a large ship as an assistant captain, and then they gave me some kind of jalopy, a pathetic ruin with a robot navigator. What a bore he was! But gradually we’ve got used to each other! Sometimes he even sends me his greetings! He’s quite old for a robot, dodges mandatory upgrades… What’s flashing on your screen?
– Some small objects on the course, like asteroids, sir!
– Have we entered the field of gravity of some star?
– There is no star around on the indicator, sir!
– Instant acceleration, Hans!
– Why, sir?
– Don’t ask idiotic questions, do it! I’ll chart a course
and you take the console, you will be the captain for a few minutes! Just don’t press anything in a hurry!
– Yes, sir, I’ll be careful!
– Seems we have slipped through!
– What was that, sir?
– We flew straight to the event horizon of the black hole. A little more, we would not be able to escape and would be smeared over this very horizon…
– I can’t understand how it happened sir…
– Mark in the log: unidentifiable black hole in the square, put the coordinates, let them figure it out! Be careful, Hans! Do you know what is the main difference between a navigator and a captain?
– I daren’t know sir
– The captain can always say to the navigator: “Be careful!”
Radish
– Hans, what’s that on your food tray?
– Common radish, sir!
– Real radish? Where did you get it? We are in another galaxy!
– It grew up in the greenhouse, in the laboratory, sir!
– You’re out of your mind, Hans! There can be any sort of viruses there!
– Not in a separate container, sir! I put it away from the rest. It is absolutely lovely!
– Have you tried it?
– Not yet, but the analyzer gives a complete match to the standard of the species Raphanus sativus.
– Be careful with it, there are at least three days of flight to the nearest window of opportunity. What should I do with you if something goes wrong?
– I took all the precautions, sir!
– I can imagine! So, how does it taste?
– In my opinion, it is not any different from porridge number one, only more water. Crunchy… It’s funny, sir.
– No wonder, it’s tasteless, it’s from the greenhouse. There is nothing in it but water.
– I added organic fertilizers, sir.
– More reason for me to worry, Hans! Don’t eat more than one!
– I probably won’t, sir. Porridge with flavor modifiers is much better in my opinion.
– Let me spread it with the taste of pamplemousse. Have you ever seen a pamplemousse?
– Is it like a cow with big horns, sir?
– Don’t confuse moose and pamplemousse, Hans. Pamplemousse is fruit, in my opinion.
– And how do you like it with that taste?
– Only the devil knows what it is or may be!
– I tend to agree with you, sir? Do we have a moose-flavored additive?
– Follow the course, Hans!
– Yes, sir!
Mosquitoes
– Sir, we’ve got mosquitoes!
– Mosquitoes, onboard?
– Yes sir. I seem to have seen one!
– You seemed or you saw?
– I saw, sir! And heard, sir, it was buzzing right above my ear…
– This may be very serious, Hans, who knows what shit they can transmit! We don’t need to drop sick with some cosmic fever in another galaxy!
– This may be very serious, sir!
– I said it first, Hans! Where do you think they came from?
– Cargo bay or the Russians, sir!
– Where do we get the Russians from?
– Mosquitoes, sir, from Siberia!
– This is very serious, Hans, they must be hungry!
– Hungry, sir, and opposed to us, I know, these Russians…
– Leave agitation aside, give me the temperature and humidity in the compartments!
– On the screen, sir!
– I don’t like the parameters there, Hans, but the mosquitos can be anywhere now: they fly, you know!
– That’s for sure, sir, they fly and buzz all night, they don’t let you sleep, these Russian snarling and squeaking mosquitoes, they are clearly plotting something!
– Did a mosquito bite you?
– Not yet, sir, I resisted their evil propaganda!
– Give a good blow through all compartments, lower the temperature – they should be sucked into the filter! We’ll have to chill out, Hans! Send a message to the center, tell them we have got unprecedented complications, details after the elimination of the incident!
– Aren’t
