style="font-size:15px;"> – Already requested, sir!
– Well done! What’s their comeback?
– They say they have the right for a secret investigation, and they don’t have to show us anything.
– Then tactic number one!
– Number one, sir?
– Yes, we are washed off! This is not the police! They are swindlers! So we might report to the base if required. Meanwhile, ask them for a copy of the assignment. Write to them that we are on a special mission, that’s why the cargo hold is sealed. They cannot be aboard without Special permission from the Council. Mention that we have requested legal support and expect to receive it within 10 minutes. This is a bluff, of course, as we are in another galaxy, but we will play for time, and let them think over an answer. Turn on the accelerator! While it stabilizes, we will prepare for the jump. Also let’s put something heavy in the transfer device just in case. I thought we had a faulty buoy or something.
– Why, sir?
– Tactic number two, Hans! This is not taught at the Academy!
– What good might it do?
– If they still try to get on board through the TD and don’t check the volume, as they usually do, then the first thing to meet them here will be this very buoy and any other rubbish that we can find for the good of the System!
– Serving the System, sir!
– No time for that now, Hans! Go look for trash in the cargo hold and we wash off!
Ursa
– Sir, right on the course is Big Dipper!
– Impossible, Hans, we are in another galaxy!
– Sorry, sir, it is the Ursa Major spaceship and it is in distress!
– We don’t serve the poor and we aren’t a rescue mission either, Hans!
– But still, sir, maybe something terrible has happened to them?
– Request a surveillance! Beggars can’t be choosers, especially the proud ones! Let’s see what we can see!
– Nothing special, sir. It is empty everywhere!
– Look again, look in their cargo hold, look where they never look usually.
– Nothing, sir! Maybe they were already helped, everyone was evacuated, but the distress signal was not turned off in a rush?
– Request the remote control and turn it off!
– It’s turned on again!
– I’m going to check it myself now! Here it is empty, so it’s here, and there, but here one can easily see some kind of crap lying in a nook!
– Let me look at it, sir!
– We are already looking, Hans, moreover, we are already seeing.
– But what is it?
– Some kind of crap, Hans, I can’t define it more precisely yet… Moreover, this is the crappiest crap I’ve ever seen! I don’t like this crap at all, Hans, and we will not ever attempt to save this crap from its desperate loneliness, because we will be the next in line for the rescue mission! It would be more rewarding to save the whole of humanity at once, Hans, rather than some incomprehensible crap! Signal to the base: the Ursa Major ship was found; they were sending a signal of disaster. Some holy crap was found during inspection… Wipe out the latter and put “an unknown hiding object that is not in the catalog of objects that we are aware of”. Check it up just in case… “Most of all it reminds us”… What does it remind you of, Hans?
– Fishtail, sir?
– What kind of fish is that, Hans? It looks more like a squid… You’re a biologist by specialization, are you not?
– Cephalopod, definitely, sir! But how can it survive without water?
– It has sent a signal of distress for a reason, Hans!
– Maybe it’s giant Gryllotalpidae, sir? A mole cricket?
– An insect?
– Well, yes, that is, well, yes, sir!
– Possibly-maybe! In my opinion, with no signs of life, Hans! Or it may be hiding in the ambush to hunt for the rescuers.
– I totally agree with you, sir! Should we bang it? Just in case?
– Why bother? What if it appears to be a “professor in paleontology” or something, even if it has got into distress and chewed on a couple of crew members, it’s not for you and me to judge… They may have an experiment of a kind. Send a signal to the base now – let them rack their brains over it!
– Or is it still better to destroy it, sir?
– Don’t try to be a hero! What if it scatters around with some bloody spores… shitty spores that is? Let them destroy it if need be, that’s their business, and our business is to fly on, Hans, and do it quickly! Who knows what’s on its mind and where it is now? We might only be watching its projection, while the thing itself is hiding! Freeze our transfer device to keep it on the safe side… And sent an invitation to the Ursa for a virtual meeting with their crew and a permission to get onboard with a rescue mission if needed…
– But you’ve just said we were not going there, sir!
– That’s right, Hans! But that creature on Ursa doesn’t know this yet. Full steam ahead, and as far away from here as possible!
Harvest Festival
– Get ready, Hans! We are entering the window of opportunity!
– Readiness level one, sir! I confirm!
– What’s that on your screen, Hans?
– It’s on our front camera, sir! Toroidal galaxy or nebula, sir!
– I would say it looks like a fanny, Hans! What a miracle! As soon as the window of opportunity opened, somebody’s butt appeared in it!
– An interesting pattern, sir!
– You bet! Now send to space galactic greetings, as required by the Rules!
– Done!
– Is there any answer?
– No, nothing, sir! But, there’s some kind of modulation received, probably local music…
– Try to come closer to that planet, it’s most likely from there!
– Looks like it, sir!
– Can you imagine, Hans, we are in the
