out of your set would perform such an action? Would any one of them refuse an immense sum of money which poor destitute Foma, despised by all, has refused from devotion to true greatness? No, Colonel; to be on a level with me you must perform now a regular series of heroic deeds. And what are you capable of when you cannot even address me as your equal, but call me Foma like a servant. …”
“FomaI but I call you so from affection!” wailed my uncle. “I did not know you disliked it. My God! if I had only known! …”
“You,” Foma pursued, “you who could not, or rather, would not, grant the most insignificant, the most trivial request when I asked you to address me like a general as ‘your Excellency’ …”
“But, Foma, you know that is really, so to say, high treason, Foma!”
“High treason! You have learnt some phrase out of a book and repeat it like a parrot! But, do you know, you put me to shame, covered me with ignominy by your refusal to call me ‘your Excellency’; you covered me with ignominy because without understanding my reasons you made me look a capricious fool worthy of a madhouse. Why, do you suppose I don’t understand that I should have been ridiculous if I had wanted to be styled ‘Excellency’ — I who despise all these ranks and earthly grandeurs, insignificant in themselves if they are not lighted up by virtue? For a million I would not accept the rank of general, without virtue. And meanwhile you looked upon me as a madman! It was for your benefit I sacrificed my pride and allowed you, you to be able to look upon me as a madman, you and your learned gentlemen! It was solely in order to enlighten your mind, to develop your morals, and to shed upon you the light of new ideas that I made up my mind to demand from you a general’s title. I wanted you for the future not to regard generals as the highest luminaries on this earthly sphere; I wanted to show you that rank is nothing without greatness of soul, and that there is no need to rejoice at the arrival of your general when there are, perhaps, standing at your side, people made illustrious by virtue! But you have so constantly prided yourself before me on your rank of colonel that it was hard for you to say to me: ‘your Excellency.’ That was the root of it! That was where one must look for the reason, and not in any breach of the decrees of Providence I The whole reason is, that you are a colonel and I am simply Foma. …”
“No, Foma; no, I assure you that it is not so. You are a learned man … you are not simply Foma. … I respect you. …”
“You respect me! Good! Then tell me, since you respect me, what is your opinion, am I worthy of the rank of a general or am I not? Answer at once and straightforwardly, am I or not? I want to see your intelligence, your development.”
“For honesty, for disinterestedness, for intelligence, for lofty nobility of soul you are worthy of it,” my uncle brought out with pride.
“Well, if I am worthy of it, why will you not say ‘your Excellency’ to me?”
“Foma, I will, perhaps.”
“But, I insist! And I insist now, Colonel, I require it and insist. I see how hard it is for you, that is why I insist. That sacrifice on your side will be the first step in your moral victory, for — don’t forget it — you will have to gain a series of moral victories to be on a level with me; you must conquer yourself, and only then I shall feel certain of your sincerity. …”
“Tomorrow, then, I will call you ‘your Excellency’, Foma.”
“No, not tomorrow, Colonel, tomorrow can take care of itself. I insist that you now at once address me as ‘your Excellency’.”
“Certainly, Foma, I am ready; only what do you mean by ‘at once’, Foma?”
“Why not at once, or are you ashamed? That’s an insult to me if you are ashamed.”
“Oh, well, if you like, Foma. I am ready … I am proud to do so, indeed; only it’s queer, Foma, apropos of nothing, ‘Good-day, your Excellency.’ You see, one can’t.”
“No, not ‘Good-day, your Excellency.’ That’s an offensive tone, it is like a joke, a farce. I do not permit such jokes with me. You forget yourself, Colonel, you forget yourself. Change your tone!”
“And you are not joking, Foma?”
“In the first place, I am not Foma, Yegor Ilyitch, and don’t you forget it. I am Foma Fomitch.”
“Oh, Foma Fomitch, I am delighted, really, I am altogether delighted, only what am I to say?”
“You are puzzled what to add to the phrase, ‘your Excellency’. That I understand. You should have explained yourself long ago. It is excusable indeed, especially if a man is not a literary character, to put it politely. Well, I will help you, since you are not a literary character. Repeat after me, ‘Your Excellency!’ …”
“Well, your Excellency …”
“No, not ‘Well, your Excellency,’ but simply ‘your Excellency!’ I tell you, Colonel, you must change your tone. I hope, too, that you will not be offended if I suggest that you should make a slight bow. And at the same time bend forward, expressing in that way respectfulness and readiness, so to say, to fly on his errands. I have been in the society of generals myself, and I know all that, so then ‘your Excellency.’”
“Your Excellency …”
“How inexpressibly delighted I am that I have at last an opportunity of asking your forgiveness for not having recognised from the first moment your Excellency’s soul. I make bold to assure you that I will not for the future spare my poor efforts for the public welfare… . Well, that’s enough!”
Poor uncle! He had to repeat all this rigmarole phrase by phrase, word by word. I stood and blushed as though I were guilty. I was choking with rage.
“Well, don’t you feel now,” the torturer went on, “that your heart is suddenly lighter, as though an angel had flown into your soul? … Do you feel the presence of that angel? Answer.”
“Yes, Foma, I certainly feel more at ease,” answered my uncle.
“As though after you have conquered yourself your heart were, so to say, steeped in holy oil?”
“Yes, Foma; certainly it all seems as it were in butter.”
“As it were in butter? H’m. I wasn’t talking of butter, though… . Well, never mind! You see, Colonel, the value of a duty performed! Conquer yourself. You are vain, immensely vain!”
“I see I am, Foma,” my uncle answered, with a sigh.
“You are an egoist, and indeed a gloomy egoist… .”
“An egoist I am, it is true, Foma, and I see it; ever since I have come to know you, I have learned to know that too.”
“I am speaking to you now like a father, like a tender mother… . You repel people and forget that a friendly calf sucks two mothers.”
“That is true too, Foma!”
“You are coarse. You jar so coarsely upon the human heart, you so egoistically insist upon attention, that a decent man is ready to run from you to the utmost ends of the earth.”
My uncle heaved another deep sigh.
“Be softer, more
