the cadet corps out with reversed muskets; but Mathers, who is merely Mathers minimus really, though his brothers have long since left, is a chap who is like a girl in some ways, being easily made to laugh or cry. To show you the peculiar sort of ass he is, I may say that he always writes home letters of dreadful anguish at the beginning of the term, and then, when the holidays really do come, seems never to want to go home at all! Trelawny says this is contrary to nature, and will end in pure insanity for Mathers; but Fowle, on the other hand, says that Mathers is already mad. I heard Browne, the mathematical master, speak about Mathers too—to Mannering, a new under-master. They were watching Mathers in the playground, and he was in one of his most cheerful moods, and imitating a monkey on a barrel-organ catching fleas. He certainly did it jolly well, and even a chap or two from the sixth stopped to watch. And then, when he saw these chaps looking on, he got above himself and began playing the giddy ox, and spoilt the show. Then it was that Browne gave his opinion of Mathers, and said that he had 'the artistic temperament,' whatever that may be. Anyway, it is no catch, for though boys laugh at you, they despise you, and so do masters. Masters never seem to have the artistic temperament much; or, if they have had it, they get well over it after being masters a few terms. I suppose it was the artistic temperament that made Mathers join the cadet corps; which he did do, chiefly that he might wear the red bags with black stripes, and drill once a week under the sergeant. He was rather small, and it took all his strength to carry the musket round; for the corps had twenty-five old muskets, and I believe it was a regular military affair under Government in a sort of vague way. Anyhow, we had percussion caps for the muskets, and fired them off at times in the course of the drill; and the first time that young Mathers had a musket with caps he turned rather white, hating explosions and noise of all kinds, and said out loud in the face of the corps, to the drill sergeant who stood in front of the brigade, "Is it loaded, sergeant?" The sergeant, who was old and had seen battle, and had a grey moustache and medals and a fierce expression, looked at him and merely said, "Good God, boy, d'you think I should be standing here if it was?" Then he spat a scornful spit and twirled his moustache, and seemed to think he'd come down a good deal in the world to have to drill kids like Mathers. So always, afterwards, if anybody wanted to rot Mathers, and most people did, they had only to say, "Is it loaded, sergeant?" and he instantly became depressed and mournful, or got into a frightful bate—one or other according to his frame of mind at the time.
I am telling you all these things about Mathers for two reasons. First, because he is the principal person, after 'Joe,' in this story, and secondly, because he was my chum.
My name is Blount, well known at Dunstan's as having had diphtheria and two doctors in my first term, and recovering. What I saw in Mathers I never could tell, but there was something about the piffling duffer that I liked. His good nature was very marked, and he was peculiarly generous of dried fruits, which drew me to him as much as anything. His father was a merchant, and traded with various foreign places especially celebrated for dried fruits; and in this manner much grand tuck, that ordinary people have to pay pretty stiffly for, such as candied melons and crystallized pineapples and other amazing food, very seldom seen in a general way, came to Bunny Mathers as a matter of course from time to time; and he thought no more of opening a hamper and finding the richest and rarest things in it than I should of getting a windfall from our apple-orchard. This provender he gave to his friends and to those he wanted to be his friends; and some became his friends in consequence; but their friendship, as Mathers rather bitterly pointed out to me, sank to nothing between the times of the hampers. Whereas I made Mathers a real chum, and once, when, owing to some fearful crisis in the sugared violet trade with France, his father forgot for six weeks to send Mathers any hamper at all, I remained unchanged.
Then the parrot died and naturally the first question was, "Why?"
We had a debate on it. Our public debates are listened to by the Doctor and the masters, and the subjects are chosen by them; but sometimes we have private debates that are not listened to, and we had one on 'Joe'; and the Government, led by Macmullen, our champion debater, held that 'Joe' had died a natural death, and the Opposition, led by Richmond, thought he had died by treachery. On a division the Government was defeated by two votes, owing to the magnificent speech of Richmond, and Steggles said there ought to be an inquest and a post-mortem; and so did Peters, who was positive the death was a murder. The mystery was who could have done it, because 'Joe' had not an enemy in the world, unless it was Mrs. Dunstan's cat, which he mimicked to its face and then barked suddenly and made the cat think there was a dog after her.
But this cat could not have done it. The parrot was found dead in its cage on the morning of a day in February. It was quite stiff and dignified. No cat had touched him. Mathers said it cut him to the heart to think of poor 'Joe' falling off his perch in the dead of night, and lying helpless there, and perhaps calling for help. He said if there had been loving hands to give it a drop of brandy and put its claws in mustard and water, it might be among us yet. And he went on in such a harrowing way, and thought such sad ideas, that at last I had to smack his head and make him shut up.
There was no inquest and no post-mortem, for the Doctor refused to have 'Joe' examined, much to our astonishment. In fact we thought it was rather unsportsmanlike of the Doctor to hustle 'Joe' into his grave so jolly quickly. The corpse disappeared, and the Doctor was slightly changed for several days. He had got very fond of the bird, and I think he missed hearing it say, "Dear Milly Dunstan, dear Milly Dunstan," which it did hundreds of times in the day when it was feeling well and happy.
Then, a week after 'Joe' was buried, came the marvellous determination of Mathers. For the first time in his life I felt a sort of pride in Mathers, and was glad to be his chum. At the same time the danger was frightful, and I had no idea what the end might be. Only two people knew it, Milly and myself. I rather advised him against it; but she was hot and strong for it: so Mathers went ahead into a regular sea of danger. Not that he did it for Milly—far from it: he did it for himself, and to advance his prosperity with the Doctor. His prosperity with the Doctor was extremely low, and he had made one mistake already by offering the Doctor half-a-box of dates in a rather patronizing way; and so now it was neck or nothing, and Mathers well knew the frightful risks he ran in the thing he was going to do.
He said, "I always make a success or an utter failure—at games, in class and everything. Either this will make me the Doctor's friend for life, or make him my bitter enemy for life."
The idea in the strange mind of Bunny Mathers was to bring 'Joe' back again to Merivale. He could not raise him from the dead, but he meant to do the next best thing, and dig him up and secretly stuff him.
Only Mathers could have imagined this, though there were one or two other chaps equal to doing the thing if somebody else had thought of it.
I said to Mathers, "What do you know about stuffing parrots?"
And he said, "More than you might think."
He had read the article on stuffing beasts in the Encyclopædia Britannica, which Briggs allowed him to refer to, little knowing the reason; and he said that stuffing was simpler than embalming, and that his brother, Mathers minor, had often stuffed bats and moles and other things in the holidays at home. He told me that all you want for bird-stuffing is wire, cotton-wool and pepper; and for sixpence he could get all these things in great abundance.
Milly Dunstan knew where 'Joe' was buried, and the only difficulty, in the opinion of Mathers, was digging him up. For some reason, though he did not shrink from the horrors of getting 'Joe' ready for the stuffing treatment, he hated the digging up; so I undertook to do this. There was little danger, as 'Joe' had been buried in a secluded rockery under a large fern, where nobody ever went. Milly showed me the spot on a half-holiday, when I was supposed to be stopping in, owing to bronchitis or something of that sort; and I popped out, got a trowel from the gardener's potting-shed, and dug up 'Joe.' He had been very nicely buried in a large, empty tobacco tin of Browne's; and I also made the grave look all right again and put back the wooden gravestone. Minnie had stuck this up, and on it Freckles
