in workplace rewards for men and women. Social Psychological and Personality Science, 8(7), 780–788.
Chapter One Parental Leave Is a Mess—Let's Fix It!
TAKE A MOMENT and imagine your ideal parental leave experience. What would it be like to have ample time at home with your new child and receive your full paycheck the whole time? How would it feel if your manager, HR representatives, and work colleagues were thoroughly trained and given all the resources they might need to guide you? What if there was clarity in how to best hand off your work and to whom, what paperwork you needed and when, and how much time you could take off?
Imagine your team throwing you a celebratory send-off that gave you just the right amount of attention, in ways that remind you that they know and care for you as you embark on parental leave to welcome your new child. And what if it didn't stop there? What if when your child arrives, your team sends you a basket full of useful new essentials, and some of those really cute stylish items you had been eyeing but weren't going to splurge on. There is even a matching t-shirt and onesie set with your work logo, and the back of yours reads Promoted to Parent!
During your leave, they know just how and when to check in and what news you want to be kept in the loop on so that you can let go of the mental load of work to completely immerse yourself in getting to know your child. When it is time to turn your attention back to work, they reach out to check if any of your return plans need to be adjusted and ask what they can do to make your first week (and beyond) go smoothly.
When you walk through those doors your first day back, you are able to breeze past any security because you have been proactively reactivated in the system. Your manager and colleagues have made a special effort to greet you with big smiles, and everyone wants to see more pictures of your new cutie pie. Your desk and IT access are set up flawlessly. A bouquet or a small plant welcomes you. When you sink into your chair you are able to soak in how much you were missed and how much your team values you. Even if you haven't been completely confident in yourself since you've been away, they are.
Notice how you felt imagining that future. Were your reactions unexpected? Did you feel hopefulness, pessimism, or something else? Did this feel like a possible future for you? Did you laugh at the idea? How did your body feel while you were visualizing this future? Were you tense or relaxed?
Now imagine if every new working parent was supported this way and was able to build their new family on a foundation consciously crafted without stress or shame, whether they were going back to work in an office, a restaurant, construction, their own business, or any kind of workplace. Think how strong our society would be.
This rosy future does not need to be hypothetical. Let's claim it as yours. Just as expecting parents take birthing classes to understand and handle the challenges of labor, I will help you understand the basics of the parental leave transition so you can better prepare yourself, practically and emotionally, for your transition into life as a working parent.
In this book we are going to lead you into your exciting new role and help you integrate it with your career plans and ambitions. With the right tools and support, I have seen (and helped) countless people do it well. Following the principles I'll outline in the following chapters, you will be able to maximize the upsides of your transition, sidestep pitfalls, and guide yourself and those around you through the rocky patches. You will have an easier time handing off your work, enjoy better communication with your boss and coworkers, gain more support at home, turn more thoughtful attention to the bonding experience of your family, and enjoy a smoother transition and adjustment back to work.
You will also be well positioned to use what you have learned to educate and inspire those around you on how to approach parental leave, paving the way for parents who come after you to have an even better experience. When working parents are given the support they need to thrive, we improve society and our companies at every level. Making sure you get that support lays the foundation for that progress.
Before we continue, let's get clear on some definitions.
Language Matters: Defining Parental Leave
Inclusivity is vital to our workplaces and our society. In this book I am using the broadest definition of family and parenting in order to support all parents, across all races, religions, gender identities, and sexual orientations. I'm speaking to you no matter what method you have chosen to form a family, be it birth, adoption, surrogacy, fostering, or another creative way. Notice that the language and imagery customarily used for parental leave issues are still problematically heteronormative and skew toward assuming a traditional birth as the path to parenthood. (Even the terms mom and dad do not always adequately label trans or nonbinary parents.) My goal is to always be inclusive, but there are places where the language (and even my awareness) has not yet caught up with the evolution of family structure. Using inclusive language is a simple way to show we care for each other. Let's work together to help influence this culture shift, and let's also give each other grace and understanding when we aren't yet able to get it exactly right. If you are becoming a parent, this book is for you.
Next, we need to define the term parental leave. When most people hear these words, they still think of maternity leave: the time a mother (because let's admit it, dads are still largely ignored) is absent from work to be at home with her new baby and recover from childbirth. This is a very limited view that (unintentionally) reinforces prejudices and inequity and misses the bigger picture and the opportunities inherent in this major life transition. Parental leave describes any leave, inclusive of all gender identities, that provides time off from work to bond with a new child.
Using a time-based definition has proven to be holistic and productive for my clients. Therefore, let us define parental leave as an extended period of transition for all new parents in three phases: (1) preparing for leave, (2) during leave, and (3) returning from leave. This transition lasts roughly from the time you announce the upcoming arrival of your child through your return to work, and it also includes an indefinite period of adjustment after your return that can last anywhere from three to six months or longer. Altogether, we are talking about at least nine to 12 months—maybe more—of your life.
Although I have written this book with the idea that your parental leave will last longer than a few weeks, we will discuss aspects of this important transition that affect all expectant and new working parents, even those who are not taking leave at all.
Finally, the language I use in the book is geared toward people who are traditionally employed (those who work for a company or organization and have a boss over them) because that is still the majority of workers in the United States. However, these touchpoints are equally applicable to you if you are a freelancer, an entrepreneur, run a nonprofit, or do any other type of work. Even if you're not formally employed, you will still find value in thinking through how these touchpoints apply to your transition to parenthood. They are universal.
A Broken System: Parental Leave in the United States
At the time of this writing, most people in the United States do not have access to paid parental leave (in 2020, just 20% of US employees had access to paid family leave through their employer).1 It is a common misconception that the Family Medical Leave Act (FMLA) provides paid leave. FMLA only allows for unpaid job protection for a specific period of time, if an employee meets certain criteria. It is estimated only 56% of the workforce is eligible for FMLA, which means the other 44% receive neither job protection nor pay.2 Depending on your state, you may have paid leave through a state and/or local
