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Library of Congress Cataloging-in-Publication Data
Names: Erwin, Michael S., author. | DeVoll, Willys, author.
Title: Leadership is a relationship : how to put people first in the digital world / Michael S. Erwin, Willys DeVoll.
Description: Hoboken, New Jersey : John Wiley & Sons, Inc., [2022] | Includes bibliographical references and index.
Identifiers: LCCN 2021043986 (print) | LCCN 2021043987 (ebook) | ISBN 9781119806134 (cloth) | ISBN 9781119806141 (adobe pdf) | ISBN 9781119806158 (epub)
Subjects: LCSH: Leadership. | Interpersonal relations. | Organizational behavior.
Classification: LCC HD57.7 .K4773 2022 (print) | LCC HD57.7 (ebook) | DDC 658.4/092—dc23
LC record available at https://lccn.loc.gov/2021043986
LC ebook record available at https://lccn.loc.gov/2021043987
Cover Design: Paul McCarthy
For everyone who puts people first
Introduction: Relationships Under Siege
This is a book of stories. Let's start with one of yours.
Remember the last time you went out to dinner with someone, whether it was a single companion or a rollicking party of old friends. You sat down at the table, and then what happened? Humor us for a moment: close your eyes and recall that scene as vividly as you can. Try to imagine every little detail, from what you ordered to the decor of the restaurant to the clothes that your fellow diners wore.
Once you've got that picture, think about how you all engaged with each other. What was the conversation like? How much of your attention did you give to your companions? Did someone pull out their phone and place it on the table? (Maybe that someone was you. Don't worry—this is a safe space.) Did anyone glance down at a smartwatch during the meal, checking something that clearly wasn't the time? Did a member of your party look up from their lap and say, without any context, “Oh my goodness, you have to see this,” before showing you a video of a squirrel riding a remote-control car? Did someone forget what the rest of you were talking about because they were busy watching muted sports highlights on the TV over the bar?
Maybe your meal didn't include any of these scenes. It might have been an elegant combination of good food, good company, and good conversation, all uninterrupted by outside distractions. For many, many people in the developed world, that wouldn't have been the case. The siren song of phone-sized distractions proves so attractive, so irresistible, and so ostensibly harmless that we as a culture have largely accepted such interludes into our time with others. Even if it isn't in particularly good taste, the occasional phone-check during a dinner out is now thoroughly unremarkable. “Everyone” does it.
Who can blame us? Digital distractions are really, really appealing. They give us a little hit of satisfaction, and it's hard not to indulge ourselves. They often claim to give us information that's time-sensitive and important.1 They're (mostly) socially acceptable, too. And because they're both seductive and accepted in social situations, digital distractions are a large and growing presence in our interactions with other people.
Dinner out is just one way to think about how deeply digital distractions have embedded themselves into our lives. Think about the family dinner, the car ride with a sibling or co-worker, the quick errand to the convenience store around the corner. Spaces that used to require face-to-face conversation—and that therefore used to kindle our relationships with both loved ones and strangers—are now opportunities to check on emails, tweets, tags, DMs, sports scores, hot takes, the newest deal on denim … you name it. Beautiful phones and almost ubiquitous internet access have opened virtually every event to extraneous information. Our grandparents often experienced situations in which they had to either shoot the breeze with the folks around them or make the uncomfortable choice to sit in silence. In those same situations today, we can effortlessly learn what the Canadian prime minister is doing or watch on-demand highlights from last night's basketball games. The old carve-outs for sociality—for relationship-building—are open to distraction. The siege on relationships is well underway.
The average American
