| When You're Asked | What They Want You to Answer |
|---|---|
| What's your purpose? | To make you rich(er) |
| What problem do you solve? | A fresh body to replace the people who quit |
| What do you uniquely offer? | Three Bs: Brains, brawn, beauty |
| Why now? | One can only live on bread and water so long. |
| What market can you go after? | The sky's the limit. |
| Who else wants you? | Who wouldn't? |
| What's your function? | Your wish is my command. |
| How do you make money? | Giving you leverage on your time |
| Are you a team player? | There's no “I” in team (but there is a “me”). |
| What's your ROI?1 | Infinite! I'm not in it for the money. |
Wear Some Damn Socks
Now that you have your self-worth in order, it's time to deal with the superficial—how you look. You should have already researched enough about the companies where you're interviewing to have a pretty good idea about how people dress. Dress to impress, and by that I mean, mimic. Remember, we're basing this on concepts like initial impression and affinity bias that explain why people tend to hire people who are like themselves. So if you're interviewing at Google and you wear a three-piece suit for the interview, they'll either think you're an insurance salesman or someone just died. Conversely, if you show up in jeans and the latest James Perse T-shirt at Goldman Sachs, they'll either direct you to the plants that need watering or someone will call security to have you escorted out.
Therefore, dress accordingly and appropriately.
But then again, inappropriate can work, too. At Jefferies, I interviewed more than a thousand candidates. In all that time, I remember one person who didn't wear any socks. Obviously weird, but he did stand out. We referred to him as “No Socks Guy.” He had all the necessary qualifications and we were all set to make him an offer, until at the end of the day, we asked him, “Dude, why aren't you wearing socks?” He just said, “I forgot to pack them.” That dropped him in our estimation. If you come in with a black eye, you don't tell people you walked into a door. You saved a child from a 7-foot-tall kidnapper. Sockless guy should have told us they were stolen, or a bear got into his sock drawer, or he gave his pair to a homeless person just before entering the building. His answer had us worried he wouldn't pass the Cleveland Airport Test. “If I was stuck in some God-forsaken backwater hellhole like the Cleveland Burke Lakefront airport (not even Cleveland Hopkins International—they have a couple of good restaurants), would I want to have a frappé with this clown at the local McCafé?”
Here are a few more quick tips about your appearance:
Be someone who the interviewer could visualize being part of the team.
Dress like your interviewers, but not better. No senior bankers want to see you with the Business Class version of their Economy outfit.
Bring an extra set of casual clothes (e.g., Banana Republic, J. Crew) for after-party or socializing activities. Nothing will make you look more like a tool than wearing a business suit to the hottest clubs.
Always wear dark colors just in case you spill crap on yourself. Otherwise a nice coffee stain in the groin area of your light grey suit will be the highlight of the interview—not you.
Wash your hands after using the bathroom.
Bring a handkerchief in case your hands get clammy.
On many occasions, I've used that last bullet point to my advantage. I call it the Clammy-Hand Test. As an interviewer, I'm known for asking tough questions. When shaking hands at the end of an interrogation, I've noticed a definite correlation between the sweatiness of the interviewee's palms and their propensity to lie, or at least stretch the truth. The test has never failed me, so be sure to wipe your hands clean before you shake your interviewer's hand. Nothing leaves a nastier impression than the transfer of sweat goo from your paw to my unsullied digits.
Now that you've gotten your self-esteem and wardrobe down pat, it's time to get ready for The Show. Interviewing is just another form of dating. In the era before courtship went online, the skills honed at your local watering hole would have been invaluable in today's interview process. You would have found it second nature to stand out from the crowd and accentuate your most appealing features, diving fearlessly into the fray. Seamlessly slipping from idle chitchat into a deep soulful conversation that maximizes your appeal, you would have intuited the subtext behind every question or gesture. You also would have gotten good practice rebounding from your multitude of rejections.
Alas, in this swipe-happy generation, many of these skills have gone down the same drain as single-tasking, civil behavior, and doing things IRL (In Real Life, for you dinosaurs). Until you figure out how to swipe right for a job, you'll have to work on your magnetic personality.
Master Half-Truths
As we all know, life is rarely black and white; it is most often different shades of gray. Exaggeration is no different, so become an artiste. Think about how that menial summer job you had can be turned into a tour de force. Worked as a janitor? No! You were a Sanitation Engineer. Parked cars? Nope. Automotive Custodian. Got coffee? Hydration Manager. So master the power of exaggeration without lying. Half-truths are OK—politicians do it all the time—but outright lies will inevitably come back to bite you. And never, ever break the law. I don't have any tips for surviving jail.
Here are a few exaggeration-without-lying examples that may inspire you:
| Half-Truth | In Reality |
|---|---|
| Demonstrated leadership in the face of adversity | Made sure the house didn't run out of alcohol at the Super Bowl block party |
| Exhibited superhuman endurance | Pulled three consecutive all-nighters crushing it on Fortnite |
| Displayed practical ingenuity | Created Facebook apps to siphon personal information for sale to advertisers |
| Showed impressive teamwork | Supervised my classmates in a group study to analyze the mating rituals of rats |
| Had intuition in the face of adversity | Prepared for this interview by reading this book multiple times |
Exaggerating
