Cover & Interior illustrations: Peter Cotter
For the ones who worry, the ones who dream, and the ones forever being told to sort and put away the washing.
The Bit Before The Beginning
Now, before we get properly started here, I'm keen to get something out of the way.
I know there's likely to be only one real reason for you to be reading this book, and that is your parents bought you it, right? Possibly even a teacher, but my money is on the parents!
Why? Because ‘It might be helpful’. There is of course a chance you bought it for yourself which is totally cool but I'm guessing for most, this book was gifted to you.
It just means that if you were given it by your parents then you've probably questioned the real reason for them giving you it, i.e. exactly what is it they think I need help with?!
And based entirely on the fact it's a gift from your parents, I'm probably going to have to work a bit harder to prove to you this book is actually a proper kick‐ass read. And even now you've just questioned the fact I used the phrase ‘kick‐ass’. Damn those parents!
But whatever the basis is for you now owning a copy, you've got it in your hands for a reason. Something out there brought you to this point and you're currently at the ‘opening few pages stage’ of this book, in other words over the next few pages you'll be trying to decide if you'll keep reading or not? And, well, you've probably questioned just who the author is, what age he is and what does he know about being a teenager!
Please allow me to introduce myself, I promise to keep it brief….
My name is Gavin Oattes, I stand on stage, and words come out of my face.
Ok, maybe that's too brief!
I basically get booked to write and deliver talks for awesome companies such as Nike. Even cooler though is the fact I sometimes get to speak to extraordinary organisations such as the NHS. But the coolest part of my job is speaking to teenagers.
I started out in comedy as a teenager. In the beginning people told me to get a proper job. I tried that but really missed the ‘not so proper job’. So I took the proper job, and the not so proper job, stuck them together and somehow ended up running a business that I love. And having now worked with over 1.5 million teenagers and some of the biggest companies in the world, someone has had the crazy idea to let me write books! I'm just going to go with it and who knows, maybe this way I'll get to make a bigger difference and work with millions more.
You see that's my goal, to make a difference in the world. That's it. I had no plans to be an entrepreneur, I'm not academic, I worry loads, I'm not cool, I can't sit still, I've failed hundreds of times, I overthink things and I doubt myself every day. But I work really hard and I love what I do.
Oh, and I love to swear. Please note, I only use the occasional mild sweary word in this book or else I'd get into trouble. In fact, I'll probably still get into trouble. You'll notice though, whilst I might occasionally say bad words, I don't say bad things … there is a difference!
So back to whether you'll keep reading or not. That's technically my job, so let me tell you this; this book might just change your life. At the very least it will challenge your thinking and give you a good laugh along the way. And I promise, it will help you.
‘Help me with what?’ I hear you ask. You see, we all need help from time to time but that's a question only you can answer.
I just need you to do two things … keep an open mind and pop your phone on silent!
‘You’ll turn out ordinary if you’re not careful.’
—Ann Brashares
CHAPTER 1 Somewhere Now
Being a teenager is brilliant and shite.
Now, there's a sentence that's never been written at the start of any book ever. Until now, obviously. A famous author once told me, ‘Be sure to always start with a bold statement, Gavin!’
So, there's my bold statement. To be honest I could probably finish the book there too. A one sentence book. A one pager that would make more sense to teenagers than any other book ever written.
Being a teenager is brilliant and shite. The end.
Technically that's two sentences, but you get the idea!
Life gives us 7 years of teenagering. In the grand scheme of things, it's not a lot. And yet, it's EVERYTHING when you're in it. 7 years, that's 84 months of change, 364 weeks of weird and 2,555 days of WTAF!
Life throws everything it can at us during this time. All the highs, all the lows and everything in between. It's the ultimate sandwich of life. Kid life on one side, grown‐up life on the other. And in the middle, 61,320 hours of scrolling and inconvenience.
3,681,644 minutes. Every single one a gift.
Yes, a gift.
After all, you're lucky to be here. Of all the 100 million sperm, it was you. That, dear reader, is a very big thought and one that probably makes you want to throw up in your own mouth. But, it's also true. We are all lucky to be here. And the fact we get to ‘teenager’ for a while is really pretty special.
Parents tell us our teenage years are ‘the best years of our life’. They can be, but the truth is, most grown‐ups have forgotten that, sometimes, our teenage years are also horrendous.
Teenagers are completely misunderstood. The reality is, being a teenager is just like being a toddler all over again. Toddlers are always trying to discover their world in new and exciting ways, because they don't know anything about it.
You're also trying to discover the world too. But this time you've got every single stress imaginable on your shoulders. Friends, looks, parents, social media, exams, boys, girls, expectations, etc., etc.
The media paints a picture. They tell us you're all obsessed with sex and drugs. Apparently, you all sit on a lot of benches and get drunk, causing trouble.
Anytime I was unhappy or going through a tough time, my parents used to tell me it was down to hormones. Great,
