easier not to bring it up and risk a confrontation, especially with often moody teenagers. Sometimes we go too hard on our kids, but often we take the easier path for us and smooth the way for our kids rather than have conflict. It's also easier not to bring the kids when you are shopping, even if it would help them understand why you are always complaining about the growing expense of gas, groceries, and other stuff. It is easier to buy them clothing online. But then when they see you hit “buy,” do they really understand what's going on financially? Will they be ready when it's their turn?
We can all be more like Task and course correct when we see our kids aren't getting the message. It is often because we aren't sending the message. Once she realized this, Task was firm and reasonable and got the response she needed.
The Big Picture
Society is ever changing, and sometimes the harsh truth is that these changes will impact our children's ability to earn and have the money to pay for the life we have set them up to expect. We have the best intentions when we tell them they can be anything they want to be, but then maybe we exclude important caveats to that life if they decide to pursue their passion as a career. For example, if following their passion requires working in the gig economy, where they will not have a full-time, traditional corporate job with benefits like health insurance and retirement plans, it may never allow them the lifestyle they had growing up.
If we share our concern, there is a good chance they will say they are okay living with less. Many of our kids are honestly not as interested in material goods as we are. They can do without designer clothing and may even make peace with not updating their phones as often. That is their truth for where they are in their life.
The problem comes when they have to be financial grownups.
I remember joking (okay, also crying) years ago with my sister when my husband and I had to spend $6,000 we really didn't have to replace a septic tank in the yard of a house we were trying desperately to sell during the 2008 housing crisis. My sister had a similar high-priced expense with her home that was also not optional. We commiserated that we would never spend that kind of money on something like a designer handbag. We probably would even look down and judge someone who did (which you should not do – everyone can do what they want with their money). Now here we were, facing a very real grownup money situation, and we had no choice but to come up with the cash. It was painful, and it was not the last time I have been “forced” to pay for something I didn't ever imagine I would have to deal with as a grownup. I would complain that it wasn't “fair” that this is where our emergency savings was going. Are you nodding along with me on the “Life isn't fair” cliché?
Our kids may not want a ridiculously priced handbag or a fancy sports car, but they probably will need to have the money to fix the leaking septic tank or deal with whatever involuntary expense hits them when they are adults. They will need reliable income. They will need an emergency fund. As adults, they will need to know enough about budgeting to spend less than they make and not run up debt. They will need to know how to pay taxes, bills, and other expenses. They will need to understand how to read their paycheck and how to set up their company benefits. They will need to save money for retirement and to save money for life before retirement. They will need to know how to get and keep a job or a client, how to be able to buy or rent big things like cars and houses, and certainly how to buy insurance and other grownup financial products. They will need the education, financial literacy, and confidence to make tough money choices and will probably need you to be there for them when you can.
Most important, they will need to be ready-enough for the day you can't be there for them.
We need to accept that that is a good thing. As tough as it may be to hear, the ultimate mark of successful parenting is for your child to no longer need you. It won't mean they love you any less or want to be with you any less – but they have to be able to be okay without you.
Yes, like many of you, I am devastated at the thought of that. It's hard to let that part of parenting go. But the new relationship you will have with your child will be well worth it. We'll get through this together. Let's continue.
Review
1 Parents need to be wary of moving from helicopter parenting to concierge parenting.
2 Specific societal changes have transformed the parent–child money dynamic.
3 Parents need to maintain their authority, even with adult children.
4 Digital currency has complicated our approach.
5 Even the most nonmaterialistic kid needs to be taught to be a financial grownup.
6 Ultimately, parents' primary job is to make sure their children will be ready enough for the day we can't be there for them.
Note
1 1. https://www.smh.com.au/education/profoundly-dangerous-a-generation-at-risk-from-concierge-parents-20190322-p516q0.html
CHAPTER 2 The Family Ecosystem
A parent–child relationship is a financial relationship.
—Roy Feifer
After my first marriage ended, I found myself living with my parents, at age 30. I sold my apartment, packed up what little I got in the divorce, and moved into their extra bedroom. My childhood home in New Jersey had been sold so I was not in my childhood bedroom, but it felt oddly comforting regardless. I was devastated by the divorce and needed to be with my parents. I was so fortunate they were there for me.
My parents didn't charge me rent and didn't ask me to pay for my share of the groceries or the cable bill. Was I any less of a financial grownup? I'm not sure. I had a job, and I paid my personal bills. I didn't move into my parents' apartment because of a financial need. In fact, I had sold my apartment at a nice profit. But I'd be lying if I said I didn't feel vulnerable and insecure about my future – including my financial future. We did not discuss an exact timeline, but I always perceived living with them as short-term and transitional. I think my parents knew how wounded I was and did not want to push. In my mind I expected it to be a few months. It turned out to be more than a year. Looking back I'm so grateful that I had that emotional and financial backstop.
I share this story because it is essential that no one misunderstands the goals I am advocating for in this book. Parents can absolutely be generous, within their means, with their children – as long as they don't create a prolonged dependency. This is not about kicking out your kids. It's not about arbitrarily cutting them off before they are ready or just because they celebrate a given birthday or hit an adulting milestone. It is about being there to support them when they need you but knowing the difference between needs and wants – just as we talk about needs versus wants when it comes to spending money. Our goal as parents is to get them ready and able to cover their needs and then let them experience adulthood with all its ups and downs.
In the spring of 2020, countless young adults moved home to shelter in place with their parents during the pandemic, and many followed a similar pattern of moving home not because of financial need but because it just made sense given what was going on. This was a clear reminder that launching a financial grownup does not mean parents and their adult
