This isn't always true. I mean, it's most definitely not true!
In my opinion, the martyr mother phenomenon doesn't serve anyone in the mother–child relationship. According to research by Mikolajczak and Roskam in 2020, we need a shift in focus from us as parents being responsible solely for good childhood development outcomes. I mean, the Convention of the Rights of the Child determines how our kids ‘should be developing’, and it even says that when we look after ourselves, ensuring our own wellbeing, it decreases parental burnout and improves development outcomes for the kiddos.
Martyrdom leads to parental exhaustion and burnout. The pandemic of 2020/22 (and hopefully no longer) exacerbated the pressure on parents to do everything for their kids so they wouldn't be damaged by the lockdown, home learning, altered social structures and the complete upheaval of life as we generally knew it. Yet, when we are busily trying to work and parent and school, putting the kids first all the time in this selfless parenting paradigm can be really damaging.
The burnout you are feeling in the life you are struggling to live is where you can begin to make shifts for your health and your ‘self’. And hopefully empower those little people in your life while you're at it too!
(5) Mothers shouldn't have their own aspirations or desires for life as this makes them selfish
Okay, the last one is a biggie. I reckon it's big in my mind because it was the one I had to really overcome. Feeling selfish while also doing the things that light you up on the inside can be a really tough road to navigate. Yes, there is a shift that women matter in the workforce. The gender pay gap in Australia is slightly improved. But there aren't the supports out there to make us feel great about doing all the things that busy working mums love or need to do to make life work. I'm still not convinced that we are shifting around the fluidity of mothers' desires and career aspirations.
Let me give you an example here. My best friend, Olivia, prior to having her kids, owned and operated a multi-doctor chiropractic practice. She was the director of a franchise for other chiropractic practices also. Once she had her triplets, there was an expectation that she would just want to stay at home. It was assumed, particularly I think because she was having multiples, that there would be no role more fulfilling than that of mother in her life now.
Yet after the boys were born and the family had settled into their new life well, she had a desire to return to practice. It was her desire. Her inner sense of service. And it was frowned down on because, obviously, all she should have wanted to be was a mum. These are the kinds of societal expectations that can really impact our motherhood journey. I'm so proud of her for choosing what worked for her. For choosing to stand up for her innate knowledge and go back initially for four to five hours per week.
Her kids are now teenagers, and they most certainly didn't suffer with her going back to work. Some would say they are really balanced and have been shown that a woman can be strong and nurturing at the same time. That a mum can own a business, manage staff and be loving to her own family too.
However, if society doesn't afford us these opportunities, how are we supposed to explore ourselves, connect with our callings again, strive for our career? We aren't. And it makes us a bad mum if we even have these thoughts, especially in the early days of motherhood.
Expectation is just that. Perception of an expected or desired outcome, and it is rife in our mother world. My hope for you, as you progress through this book, is that you can throw off the shackles of expectation and explore who you are, what this means, how it looks and what is going to make you sing on the inside, in your soul, listening to your intuitive self, to thrive through your motherhood.
II PAUSE MOMENT
Take a moment to reflect on these five expectations placed on mothers. Have you felt that any of these have impacted your mothering?
How would it look if you could choose differently now?
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