impact how we mother. According to the Center on the Developing Child at Harvard University, our brain lays down the majority of its circuits and pathways in the first few years of life (up until six to seven years of age). My theory is that we learn how to mother from how we are mothered in those first few years. I mean, have you ever listened to yourself and thought, Holy shit — I sound exactly like my mum!
I often wonder how these early years nurturing moments that we experience as a child play out in the subconscious roll-out of our own mothering? How do we take them on board and create our level of expectation of our own mothering?
Researchers such as Madden and associates call this theory ‘intergenerational parenting’. They look at how our own maternal mothering can play out in the way we express our mothering habits. In their excellent study, they found that the parenting ideals shown by grandmothers are associated with the parenting actions of both the mothers and the fathers. Basically, this tells us that how we choose to show up for our kids could be of benefit for their children in the future. That's pretty epic — and also a little bit stressful, particularly when your mean girl is telling you that you are not doing a great job. This is where knowledge doesn't always bring freedom. If we are experiencing anxieties around ‘how good we are’ and the ‘good enough mother’ phenomenon, this knowledge can bring some relief as to why you do things in such an ingrained and certain way.
However, shifting this lens a little, we can see how the role that our predecessors in this parenting gig played could genetically and sociologically impact the things we believe, the structures we choose to bring to our mothering and the way we can make it work. At the very least, we can perhaps see where our mean girl voice might come from sometimes, an expectation that has shown up from early nurturing.
One of my dearest girlfriends reflects on this quite often. She is the mother to two young kids (at the time of writing), and she had to wade through many years of infertility to get her kids. Through this, she developed strong expectations that she would not be the martyr mother (the mother who gives everything to their kids, leaving nothing in the tank) and would be a ‘good mum’ — because she knew she wanted something different for her own mothering compared to how her mum mothered her. Her kids were really hard to come by, so to be the best mother that she could possibly be for her much desired family she had to be true to herself!
Throughout her childhood, her mum made a big deal of being the martyr, of doing everything for her kids. And, as they got older, of letting them know about it too. She showed up as the mum who gave up her everything for them. As my girlfriend began her mothering journey as an older mum with a career to boot, she was highly aware of this story and worked hard at honouring herself and not letting go of who she was. It could have been easy for her to slip into martyr mode — but she knew that wasn't what she wanted.
She did this because this was the model she was shown and she didn't want it. Being aware enough to honour herself, her own desires and who she needed to be, and to show up as the mother she wanted to be, was such beautiful mothering to witness.
II PAUSE MOMENT
Have you ever thought about how you were ‘mothered’?
Do you catch yourself sounding like your mum, or grandma or significant caregiver?
Is there any one thing you do that your mum did that you wish you could stop? (Mine is banshee yelling that dinner is ready while the kids are outside — OMG, such a trigger).
The 5 common societal expectations of mothering
Societal expectations can sometimes be the heaviest kind of expectations in mothering. I don't want that for you. I just want to give you a bit of an overview as to how you can be shaped to do things a certain way without even realising it. Society can create a massive load of life on mothers, especially those of us who work and mother together.
I'm going to break this down into five easy-to-handle ideas. Take them or leave them as you will.
I always had an inkling of them, but when I worked with the amazing motherhood studies sociologist Dr Sophie Brock — with whom I completed a motherhood practitioner certification — she opened my eyes about how it really unfolds for heaps of mums out there. I found just being gifted the basics of understanding behind all of this was enough for me to personally change and recognise things I wanted to alter in my mothering. Ultimately, it was to bring down the stress load, and up the joy mode. My hope is that something in these five concepts brings you a little ‘aha’ moment too. These small ‘aha’ moments can build up to magic change.
With your permission, let us begin!
(1) Mothers should behave a certain way
As you can probably imagine, with an online platform called UnFcK Motherhood, this one really gets my goat. The societal expectations that mothers should conform to a mothering norm or standard in their behaviours is pervasive. As women in an industrialised Western world, we are often encouraged to explore our sense of self and being in a whole-woman construct. Shouldn't that mean that we are free to figure out who the hell we are? Yet, as soon as we become mums, there's a bit less of that freedom in the figuring out.
As mums, there are perceptions around our calmness, our quietness and what nurturing should look like. We are supposed to fit a certain mould of normal and good mothering. We are encouraged to behave as if we didn't have a separate life before that is worthy of continuing on with. The measure of being a great mum is to not grieve what you have stopped doing, but to only love all this newness in your world.
Do you remember that song from the 90s ‘Don't Worry, Be Happy’ (pick the lass who was a teen then)? It's this kind of toxic positivity that we are expected to adopt in motherhood. When we throw working-mum life on top of this behaviour expectation, we are suddenly thrust into a world that might not suit us.
We can choose our own story. Take me, for example. I had a pretty fun youth and loved a lot of loud music, dancing and socialisation. Yet as a mother, if I put on my favourite 90s Seattle grunge band, danced in my kitchen and wanted to take my kids for a lunch at the pub with my girlfriends, there might just be some questions from well-meaning people. Probably from people I might not bother about (jokes, sort of), but it is outside the norm to do these activities with the kids regularly.
Our behaviours, as long as they are safe for us and our children, are just that: our behaviours. My nurturing style is highly different from that of many of the mums who come through my practice doors. Yet I know that I have a great bond with my kids, that our mother–child love is there. They don't care that their mum has crazy hair and dances around to silly music (as long as none of their friends are there to watch anyway — coz that is soooo embarrassing) and I'm proud that I've introduced them to things I loved like Pearl Jam and Masters at Work … because these stories and bands have shaped me.
The expectation of putting ourselves aside for the perceived benefit of our children is driving a decline in the joy of motherhood.
There. I said it. We need to honour ourselves and who we are to allow our mothering and motherhood to be easy, calm and connected.
(2) Mothers should look a certain way
Ah … the pre-baby body phenomenon. Does it make your skin crawl too? The push of mothers to achieve their pre-baby
