emotions, anxiety, and inner suffering combine together, growing stronger with every new incident. There is no energy for fighting them and no way to change the situation. Svetlana used to get intimidated and say: "This is it! I can’t live like that any more!" No one could hear her words and help her. She could not help herself either, or may be simply did not want to do it. She agreed to that and decided that things would never change at that moment, standing near a porch, Svetlana thought that her problems were insignificant, even though not long ago they meant a world to her. It was clear to her that all sufferings, disappointing her so much, were taking place because of her own insecurity. Instead of telling her husband about her wish to have another child and spending ten minutes for this conversation, she spent ten years for torturing herself! Every moment, remembering her wish, she suffered and blamed her husband. Emotions were raging so much, that it was hard to stay still and be in control.
Only Maxim’s love created some relief. However, the more she was falling in love with him, the more she realized that they could not be together. He will leave her life forever very soon. This thought created a strange impact on her: all the feelings that she had started to grow stronger. At those moments it seemed that she was constantly under control of different emotions and her behaviour was changing every ten minutes. That was really strange and she did not know what to think of that. What she saw and observed made her think, that may be she was not just concerned with something. May be she was mentally ill. That was a very scary idea. It was clear that all the disturbing events combined, and their strength reached the highest level. It could not continue like that any more. Some force, invisible and unknown, opposed to the situation. Could the car accident happen because of that and take the dream away? Svetlana realized at that moment how many things in life she was missing. Instead of setting herself free from the chains she created with her own hands, she could not find strength to be in control. Yes, she was wrong, but that does not mean she can leave her mistake without attention. Is that love that is giving her the answers? Is it love that is giving her direction? Svetlana answered that question rather univocally: «No»! However, it seemed that it was love that was giving her the power. Could it be that someone that you adore actually does not care for you much? In this case the feeling is leaving to nowhere, instead of coming back one hundred times stronger. That means… She did not want to make any conclusions. Yes, she felt something, but could it be what she was thinking of, if it brought only misery and pain? At that moment, analyzing the situation, Svetlana finished the phrase with difficulty: «Maxim… loves… me».
That was the first time when she could speak it out openly, not acting against conscience. Now it is necessary to get used to this thought in heart, enjoy it every moment that she has. She should not push the love away, being scared of the wrench of saying goodbye, heartache or publicity. When the person is in love, if he does not reveal the feelings to others, sooner or later it will become obvious anyhow. So what is the reason for all these fears?
Slowly and carefully Svetlana stepped on the clear white snow which fell out at night or at the early morning. Seeing its purity, she understood that from that time on her soul would also be clean and white. Everything which tortured her had left beyond retrieve. Every following step will leave unforgettable trait in her soul, like on the snow, and it won’t be possible to correct it. This thought made her stop, look back and count the steps. She saw twelve. «That is so strange, why there are twelve steps? Is that a sign»? – Svetlana thought and unconsciously made another step. Thirteen! She was petrified: twelve could mean another year! Thirteen – one more month after the car accident. God! It has been exactly one month! That means, that something will happen in exactly one year and one month…” Analyzing this, Svetlana almost reached the store, greeting people she knew along the way. They were stopping, trying to talk to her, but she kept on walking. Svetlana tried not to think of what could happen after a year. She had a good premonition, so she decided to get ready for the positive event, live a new life, enjoying love which warmed her up and gave her strength to change a world around. Svetlana let her thoughts go, making a decision to stay in the world of her fantasies in order to understand herself better. She should have the opportunity to help people around her. That means, she needs to live in two worlds at the same time. “Svetlana, you should not be surprised!” – She said to herself, opening the doors of the store. Then she ran into the man so unexpectedly, that he even dropped his bag. Instead of getting angry, she apologized:
– I am so sorry! I was all in my world!
– No, it is me who needs to apologize! – Svetlana was surprised.
He picked up the products which he dropped, and then dropped them one more time.
– It is so uncomfortable… I would have helped you, but I am not supposed to bend.
– What happened? Unless it is a secret, of course.
– It’s one month since I had a surgery.
– Oh, I suppose you should not be lifting anything heavy. I assume to come to the store to get food?
– Yes, you are correct.
– Since we have met, let me help you to bring them home. Do me a favor and let me give you assistance.
Svetlana said herself again: “Don’t be surprised!” She did not know why she answered:
I would be delighted to accept your offer, but you have enough things to carry yourself. Plus, I am sure you are being waited for at home.
The man started to think, and she noticed that when he suggested help he did not even ask her name.
I got an idea! You can wait for me for about ten minutes, I will bring the groceries home. Then we can shop for what you need and I’ll help you to bring your bags home, ok?
Listening to him, Svetlana did not even know what do say. She became confused, astonished by such attention and care from the stranger. Svetlana made a conclusion, that he is a regular person, just like everyone else; she just never noticed anything before. “May be all people are attentive and caring? Or may be some of them? – Svetlana thought. – All these years I did not see the care. I am not used to such treatment. And now it happened to me".
– Ok, I’ go. Please wait for me, ok?
He walked away fast, and Svetlana thought, looking at him “What if he does not come back?!”. Then the stranger turned around the corner, everything inside went down. She could not understand what was wrong with her again. She was worried, as if she had lost something very precious. To stop anxiety, which overwhelmed her so suddenly, Svetlana caught breath, stood still for some time and entered the store. She looked at the shelves with devastation and was making purchases. She realized that she got two bags of groceries. How is she going to bring them home if she does not get help? Fifteen minutes had passed, but the man was absent. Svetlana left the store and was walking slowly and carefully towards her house. She felt someone touching her elbow and she stopped.
– I got here, and you are leaving.
– Oh, I thought that you changed your mind about coming to help.
– No, no! How could I promise something to such a woman and then not keep a promise?! It is not what a real man would do!
The expression “real man” was frustrating to Svetlana. It seemed that men say it to women to show that women are incapable of doing things; that men can do everything, and women – nothing. She decided that if the person was underestimated he would have a lot of achievements in life. This is where the strength is! If the person disappoints oneself and other people it is something very bad, even dumb to do to yourself.
– What do you mean by a “real man?” – she still asked.
– If you promised something, keep your word; if you
