Legend of the Peeing briton. Павел Тюрин

      Some people were keen to exploit this insane popularity of the ‘Peeing Briton’ sculpture and in the souvenir market in Riga disgusting fakes started to appear from nowhere. These quick cheapies were produced by the unscrupulous hacks in the best case, or more precisely by the enemies of the new Movement. And as if that’s not enough, the most prominent element of ‘the Briton’ is made disproportionally little. With them it is hardly even noticeable any more! All right! Let it be so! But let us ask who needs this naturalism that has been long since condemned by the rules of aesthetics?! Is it ethical to pedal this feature of his with such tactlessness?! It is simply not nice! Besides, remember the poet said: All the obscene world’s truths are not to us as dear as the exalting lies.[52] Frankly speaking, this should be seen as an attempt to discredit not only the favourite of all the tourists, but an attempt to mar the Movement as a whole and lower the significance of the peeing Briton.

      It is little wonder, that equally disgusting types are in abundance among the unscrupulous merchants: those who don’t only cover up the sloppy handy crafts, but even doubt the very fact of the heroic deed (no question they do it in line with someone else’s will). Thus they try to convince the gullible tourists that the policemen that captured Dick near the Monument of Freedom conspired with him; they say that there was nothing heroic in his act. They hint that Richard knew in advance that Latvian authorities will reprimand him just for show, but as he would be leaving they would chase after him and apologise for their Euro-incorrectness by saying that the policemen hired from the underdeveloped Latgale didn’t understand him correctly. But who’s going to listen to this slander?!

      Naturally, insults like these will be answered accordingly! Richard’s most devoted allies already have a plan to create such a statue so nobody would ever doubt the manliness and sexual attractiveness of our hero. In the interviews they gave to the journalists, the enthusiasts said: ‘And then all will see how it will raise his score!’[53] Laughing, the perky girls from the Čaka and Lačpleša streets chimed in: ‘Oh, don’t you worry, we can raise anybody’s score!’ [54]

      Horticulture[55] and Culinary Arts[56]

      And now the truth comes out that naughty Julien didn’t only pee on the front porches of old Brussels, but also in the flower pots of his grandmother’s, in which she had been growing tulips that had later made Holland famous. Indeed our virtues stem out of our vices. Taking into account the experiments of the little rascal, local horticulturalists of today who learned of Blockhead’s feat in Riga, have cultivated two kinds of urino-resistant tulips. To acknowledge the special accomplishments of the patron of all the peeing, Little Julien, the petals of the ‘Manneken Pis’ were made in black, yellow, and while colours, and the petals of the ‘Peeing Briton’ were white with red crosses on them.[57]

      These tulips are often laid at the foot of the monuments to our heroes. Their popularity increases even more on the 11th and the 19th of November and the amounts sold are simply mind-blowing. It is only natural that these flowers become expensive, but the tourists who have not peed on the monuments yet (and not only the English-speaking ones) buy them out very quickly.

      The bulbs of the new kinds of tulips are very much in demand, too. People who grow them in their homes can practice the ‘golden showers’ and create real masterpieces of floristry. It also became known that Little Julien was a remarkable chef as well. It was him, who thought up the recipe of a famed appetiser julienne,[58] which consisted of the thinly sliced bulbs and stems of his grandmother’s tulips with such additions as mushrooms, onion ringlets, etc. He had examined the nutrition and taste of his culinary experiments on the Brussels drunks who never have any money to snack. History confirms the validity of the courageous experiments: the drunks weren’t the only ones to enjoy the delicacy. However, today not all the restaurant chefs take the risk to strictly follow the ancient recipe.

      When Dick was in the British Army, where he served diligently, he always tried to spend his short leaves of absence in Brussels, so that he could stand next to his soul mate, go to the nearby café where he ordered several portions of julienne all at once, and a cake with a chocolate figure of the ‘Manneken Pis’. Nobody could have foreseen back then that a petit model of his own figure would soon be made in chocolate and sold on every Brussels street corner.

      A detail from Sergeant Blockhead’s photograph from the time when he was serving in the British Army. Here he is in Brussels, in the café near the Petit Julien where he looks sceptically but with sympathy at the little boy peeing

      Grasping the Airspace and Making New Astronomical Discoveries[59]

      The well-known company producing the rubber devices received an order from WTO to make air balloons shaped like the ‘Peeing Briton’ that will be launched into the air on the International Toilet Day. On the same day the meetings with the veterans of the Movement will be organised and the ritualistic induction[60] of the new Club members will take place next to the famous monument.

      At the same time the British astronomers (incidentally the PB Club members) watched the night sky and discovered a marvellous cosmo-geological phenomenon. They found out that one of the Uranus satellites, Urinia, not long ago discovered by their Belgian colleagues (also incidentally PB Club members), had shown unusually heightened activity of its hot springs on the 11th and the 19th of November. What a symbolic splash of support![61]

      The peeing marksman is already in the air, but he will not last as the sniper in the dunes has already taken his aim

      Achtung! Achtung! The Air Raid![62]

      The designated division of the tourist police of the Jurmala resort has just now sent a teletype to all the mass media marked: ‘Extremely Urgent’ containing yet some more shocking news. When the people on the Riga seaside saw a hang glider in the air, none of the relaxed, resting people paid him any attention in the beginning. But then a sudden warning from the lifeguards’ station in Bulduri shook the beach:

      ‘Attention! Attention! This is an air raid!’

      Of course nobody paid any concern to the loudspeakers’ crackling and the life guards’ calls, or else they did not understand. And only when the alarm started wailing and small droplets of the rain fell on the suntanned bodies, the beach folk started rushing, running, and hastily hiding under their long chairs. Only those who took the risk of raising their heads from the golden sand could see the hang glider making strange twirls in the air. When he lowered the altitude he let a golden-coloured stream out of his personal vessel. The light breeze spread the moisture evenly on all: good and evil, kind and mean, without differentiating between genders or national affiliations.

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