added he must drink something, however, and climbed upon the seat, and began to look for the bottle. It was right at the bottom of the hamper, and seemed difficult to find, and he had to lean over further and further, and, he pulled the wrong line, and sent the boat into the bank, and the shock upset him, and he dived down right into the hamper, and stood there on his head. He dared not move for fear of going over,[49] and had to stay there till I could get hold of his legs, and take him back, and that made him madder than ever.
Chapter VIII
We stopped under the willows, and lunched. It is a pretty little spot there: a pleasant grass plateau with willows. We had just commenced the third course – the bread and jam – when a gentleman came along, and wanted to know if we knew that we were trespassing.[50] We said we did not know, but we could believe him.
We thanked him, but he still hung about, and seemed to be dissatisfied, so we asked him if there was anything further that we could do for him; and Harris offered him a bit of bread and jam.
The man said that it was his duty to turn us off. He would go and consult his master, and then come back.
Of course, we never saw him any more, and, of course, all he really wanted was a shilling. Harris said he not only wanted to kill the man but sing comic songs[51] on the ruins of his house.
You have never heard Harris sing a comic song. It is one of Harris’s fixed ideas that he can sing a comic song. The fixed idea, on the contrary, among those of Harris’s friends who have heard him try, is that he can’t and never will be able to.
When Harris is at a party, and is asked to sing, he replies: “Well, I can only sing a comic song, you know;” and he shows that is a thing that you ought to hear once, and then die.
“Oh, that is nice,” says the hostess. “Do sing one, Mr. Harris”; and Harris gets up, and comes to the piano.
“Now, silence, please, everybody”, says the hostess, turning round. “Mr. Harris is going to sing a comic song!”
“Oh, how jolly!” they murmur; and they hurry in, and come up from the stairs, and crowd into the drawing-room, and sit round.
Then Harris begins.
Well, you expect a wonderful voice for a comic song. You don’t expect correct phrasing or vocalization. But you do expect the words. You don’t – well, I will just give you an idea of Harris’s comic singing, and then you can judge of it for yourself.
HARRIS (standing up in front of piano and addressing the expectant mob): “I’m afraid it’s a very old thing, you know. I expect you all know it, you know. But it’s the only thing I know. It’s the Judge’s song – no, I don’t mean it – I mean – you know what I mean – the other thing, you know. You must all join in the chorus, you know.”
Brilliant performance of prelude to the Judge’s song by nervous Pianist. Moment arrives for Harris to join in. Harris takes no notice of it. Nervous pianist commences prelude over again, and Harris, commencing singing at the same time, dashes off[52] the first two lines. Nervous pianist tries to finish the prelude, then he tries to follow Harris with accompaniment, and stops.
HARRIS (with kindly encouragement): “It’s all right. You’re doing it very well, indeed – go on.”
NERVOUS PIANIST: “I’m afraid there’s a mistake somewhere. What are you singing?”
HARRIS (promptly): “The Judge’s song. Don’t you know it?”
A FRIEND OF HARRIS’S (from the back of the room): “No, you’re not, you’re singing the Admiral’s song.”
Long argument between Harris and Harris’s friend as to what Harris is really singing.[53] Friend finally suggests that it doesn’t matter what Harris is singing, and Harris requests pianist to begin again. Pianist starts prelude to the Admiral’s song, and Harris begins.
HARRIS: ‘When I was young and called to the Bar.’
General roar of laughter, taken by Harris as a compliment. Pianist, thinking of his wife and family, retires; his place is taken by a stronger-nerved man.
THE NEW PIANIST (cheerily): “Now then, old man, you start off, and I’ll follow. We won’t bother about any prelude.”
HARRIS (laughing): “Oh, I beg your pardon. Of course – I’ve mixed up the two songs. It was Jenkins[54] confused me, you know. Now then.
Singing; his voice sounds like an approaching earthquake.
‘When I was young I served a term As office-boy to an attorney’s firm.[55]’
(Aside to pianist): “It is too low, old man; we’ll have that over again, if you don’t mind.”
[Sings first two lines over again, in a high falsetto[56] this time.
Great surprise on the part of the audience. Nervous old lady near the fire begins to cry.]
HARRIS (continuing): ‘I swept the windows and I swept the door, And I – ’
No – no, I cleaned the windows of the big front door.
And I polished up the floor – no, dash it[57] – I beg your pardon – funny thing, I can’t think of that line. And I – and I – Oh, well, we’ll get on to the chorus (sings):
‘And I diddle-diddle-diddle-diddle-diddle-diddle-de, Till now I am the ruler of the Queen’s navee.[58]’
Now then, chorus – it is the last two lines repeated, you know.
GENERAL CHORUS: “And I diddle-diddle-diddle-diddle-diddle-diddle-de, Till now I am the ruler of the Queen’s navee.”
And Harris never sees what an idiot he is making of himself, and how he is annoying a lot of people who never did him any harm. He promises them to sing another comic song after supper.
We reached Sunbury Lock at half-past three. The river is sweetly pretty just there before you come to the gates, and the backwater is charming; but don’t attempt to row up it.[59]
I tried to do so once. I was sculling, and asked the fellows if they thought it could be done, and they said, oh, yes, they thought so, if I pulled hard. We were just under the little footbridge.
I pulled splendidly. My two friends said it was a pleasure to watch me. At the end of five minutes, I thought we ought to be near the weir, and I looked up. We were under the bridge, in exactly the same spot that we were when I began.
We sculled up to Walton,[60]
for fear of going over – от страха полететь в воду
we were trespassing – мы нарушили границу чужих владений
comic songs – комические куплеты
dashes off – выпаливает
as to what Harris is really singing – о том, что именно поет Гаррис
Jenkins – Дженкинс
When I was young I served a term аs office-boy to an attorney’s firm. – Я в мальчиках когда-то служил у адвоката.
in a high falsetto – высоким фальцетом
dash it – чёрт подери
I am the ruler of the Queen’s navee – веду я королевский флот
to row up it – идти на вёслах вверх по течению
Walton – Уолтон
