TO KNOW YOUR EMPLOYEES
The first step in cultivating positive relationships is getting to know your people. Right away, we are giving you a simple, practical tool that will help you rapidly build positive relationships with people you have just met. It will also help you improve relationships with people you already know. The tool, called “Focus On You®,” consists of the following six questions.
Focus on You
1. What name do you prefer to be called?
2. If you boil it all down to a few words, what do you really get paid to do?
3. What are your positive hot buttons – your interests in and out of work that are instant conversation starters?
4. Tell us about two successes you have had, one professional and one personal.
5. What do you do best – in and out of work?
6. Tell us about two goals you have, one professional and one personal.
To use this tool with one or more people, hand out a blank copy of the Focus On You Worksheet to everyone and explain the six questions. Give everyone (including yourself) a few minutes to make notes on their own responses to the six questions in the boxes provided. Take turns allowing each person (including yourself) to share their answers to all the questions, without interruption. Then invite follow-up questions. Each person should take three to five minutes. Take notes on what everyone says. These notes are worth keeping and referring back to later. We have provided an example that includes Kim's notes on her own answers and her notes on Larry's answers to the six questions. You can find printable Focus On You worksheets on our website at ManageToMakeADifference.com.
Figure 2.1
Focus On You works one-on-one or in groups. You must do this in person, face to face, and you must always answer the questions yourself. The point of Focus On You is for everyone involved to learn a few things about everyone else.
Experiment: Conduct Focus On You
1. Conduct Focus On You with your current direct reports. Take notes on what they say.
2. Highlight in your notes everything new you learned about each person.
3. Conduct Focus On You with every new hire on your team within their first two days on the job. Remember that you must answer the questions, too.
4. After you have completed steps 1 through 3, answer this question: How has this made a difference?
Note: You can also do Focus On You with significant others or friends. Hal, a seminar participant and senior vice president for a large manufacturing company, did Focus On You with his family. He found out he was calling his daughter, Melissa, by the wrong name. She preferred Missy. Focus On You was only a small portion of the seminar he attended, but Hal insisted that outcome with his daughter, on its own, was worth every penny he paid for the seminar.
CHAPTER 3
GO AHEAD, GET CLOSE TO YOUR PEOPLE
Many managers are taught, “Do not get too close to your people. Be friendly with them, sure. But you need to know where to draw the line.” Sound familiar? Unfortunately, practicing this approach diminishes your ability to motivate and retain your top performers. Again, you have to choose your basic philosophy. Do you want to conduct your relationships so that it is easier to fire people or do you want to respond to people in ways that enhance retention?
What level of relationship should you have with your coworkers? Where should you draw the line? Our answer is: Do not place limits on the depth of your friendships with coworkers. The world is full of misguided thinking that passes for wisdom. People are taught not to get close with their coworkers or with their direct reports. Do not heed that advice.
Think about the reasons that people tell you not to get too close.
“Familiarity breeds contempt,” is one of the most commonly repeated reasons.
If that statement were true, the people who have the most contempt for you would be your closest friends and relatives!
Here is the next reason people advocate not getting too close to your employees:
“You may have to discipline that person.”
The fact that it is emotionally unpleasant to discipline someone you are close to is a good thing. You will first try to persuade them through conversation that they will be better off if they change their behavior. The closer your relationship, the more likely you can influence them to correct their behavior before you need to resort to disciplinary action. And if you do need to go there, these employees will see that it is painful for you. And that sends the right message.
Lesson
The closer your relationship is with someone, the easier it is to influence that person to change his or her behavior.
“But,” some will say, “if you are too close to that employee, you might avoid the discipline because you don't want to hurt their feelings or damage your relationship.”
That is a powerful point. Many managers fall into the trap of avoiding close relationships for exactly that reason. They do not reflect on the fact that it is your closest friends, the people who care most about you, who are willing to deliver difficult messages. Who tells you that you have bad breath? Not a stranger, usually. Why is that? Because the person who tells you knows that the interaction will be uncomfortable at best, and it might hurt your feelings. But someone who cares about you is willing to work through those uncomfortable feelings to help you. The stranger does not need the hassle.
If you are a parent, think about the times you have delivered difficult messages to your children – messages that possibly made them cry. Why did you do that? Because you enjoy hurting their feelings? Of course not. You did it because you wanted to help them be the best person they could be and you knew that they needed to hear what you had to say. You care so much about them that you are willing to work through the hurt feelings.
Lesson
The closer you are to someone and the more you care about them, the more willing you are to have difficult and unpleasant conversations. The other person will know that you have their best interests at heart.
Great managers do not let their relationships prevent them from doing their jobs, even when they must discipline their friends.
The Concierge
This is a story about Horst Schulze, legendary chief operating officer of The Ritz-Carlton Hotel Company. At one point, Horst was the general manager of a hotel that was hosting a major dog show. Dogs are not known for their discretion about where they poop. So he hired a number of temps whose job was to walk around the public spaces and scoop the poop.
He noticed one young man, Walt, who had a terrific personality. In addition to scooping the poop, Walt
