his hand. ‘I need to be alone.’
Head down, William marched purposefully towards the toilets. He heard his name called out more than once, but he just ignored it and hurried on into the Gents, eager to avoid any interactions.
Standing over the washbasin, he wondered what he could possibly say to explain his behaviour. He threw more cold water over his face, wiped it dry and stood staring at his pitiful reflection in the mirror. He barely recognized the wretch that stared back at him, eyes full of fear and black bags ringing his eyes. ‘You complete and utter buffoon,’ he cursed, hammering the hand-dryer with his fist and wincing at the pain that flared in his knuckles.
William headed surreptitiously for the bar. Ordering a double whiskey, he raised the glass in his trembling hand and quickly downed the drink in one, signalling for the barman to pour him another. He felt a hand on his shoulder.
‘William,’ said Steve, as William turned to face him. ‘Are you okay buddy? What happened out there?’
William was still trembling. ‘I don't know Steve. I just lost it, I guess. I feel terrible for Jason, and furious with myself for letting Eric down like that. Not to mention making a total fool of myself! I've really messed up big time here Steve,’ William sighed. ‘I'm going home.’ He slugged back the second whiskey and slamming the glass down on the bar, he started to walk away.
‘Hey hey, not so fast.’ Steve placed a reassuring hand on William's shoulder. ‘Just wait here a moment, you're in no fit state to go anywhere just yet. Now just breathe. That's it. And again …’
After a few minutes, William appeared to be a little calmer. ‘Steve, I've been such an idiot. I've messed up good and proper this time … I don't know what happened back there. I feel like I'm losing the plot.’
‘It's okay,’ Steve assured him. ‘You're exhausted and completely stressed out! You've been pushing yourself too hard, for too long – something had to give. Maybe this is a blessing in disguise … an opportunity for you to stop and take stock of what's happening? Unless, of course, you're happy to be heading for burnout or something much worse? Trust me, I recognize the signs well … The choice is yours.’
‘I'm not sure I know what you're talking about Steve. And as for choice, I'm not so sure I have got one, besides – Eric's surely going to want to fire me, right?’ William sighed trying to relieve the tightness in his chest. ‘My career could be in ruins and my life feels totally out of control. I feel like I have gone right over the edge and this is the final straw!’
‘You always have a choice, William. It may not feel like it, but you ALWAYS have a choice. It doesn't have to be this way.’
Steve apologized for sounding harsh, but it was for William's own good. Sometimes you have to be cruel to be kind no matter what, especially when someone's health could be at stake.
Steve knew this all too well. He was the Product Development Director at Gant Foster and had been back at work for just three months after suffering a heart attack last year. This had been a huge shock to everyone in the company when it happened, after all Steve was only 44 at the time (three years younger than William was now) and had seemed so in control. Nothing ever appeared to faze him on the surface and he was always the one to pull the team through with a smile on his face, whatever the circumstances.
William sighed again. ‘You know what Steve – work and tonight's monumental cock up aside, I've been a terrible husband to Rebecca lately, and no better a father to the kids. I haven't made time for Rebecca, for us, and I think my kids are just paying me lip service these days. And I even missed Tom's concert last week and he had a solo piano part! I just completely forgot about it and then I was out of favour with everyone at home – and quite rightly so. I'm missing out on my children growing up – and for what exactly? Where the hell did I go so wrong? I feel like no one seems to understand me any more, least of all myself. My head has been so far up my own backside that I seem to have totally lost all perspective.’
‘Well maybe you're having a wake up call and it's simply time to make some changes. But right now, let's get you home. Come on, I'll drive you.’
‘You can't drive, you've had too much to drink’
‘I was drinking sparkling water all evening. I've changed a lot of my habits and daily practices. Having a heart attack does that for you … let's hope you don't get to that stage.’
Feeling a shooting pain in his chest, William wondered if a heart attack wasn't too much of a distant possibility for him, right here and now.
‘Keep breathing, William. Take some deep breaths and don't say another word,’ said Steve as they pulled away in the car.
William felt numb, but had managed to compose himself a little by the time he returned home to his wife. His chest pains were easing, thankfully, but he remembered an inner feeling he'd simply dismissed … an inner feeling of foreboding, a warning that he was heading for trouble. He couldn't carry on like this … if he didn't stop and make changes, life would do it for him, judging by what Steve was saying, but William could make no sense of anything right now.
‘You're fortunate it wasn't a serious health scare that gave you this wake up call,’ said Steve, almost reading William's mind. ‘And only time will tell if that's what this is. It took a heart attack to make me stop and think. You have already had the warning signs, now you've just been delivered a moment of realization and have a clear choice to make. You can change or you can carry on as before and wait until it's too late. Please do something about it NOW or your health will get worse – you're already exhausted. Who knows what this could lead to and then what use will you be to anyone, especially yourself? Life gives us little signs or “nudges” and if we don't listen to them, it finds a way of making us stop. They don't even have to be major or dramatic events, it can be the smallest thing that makes us wake up. If we don't listen to these nudges, to that voice inside of us that somehow seems to know, we do so at our peril. Listen to your gut or intuition as I now call it, William, please!’
Steve realized he was being a little hard-hitting and was unsure if the timing was right for this conversation, but he wanted to really make William think. They drove the rest of the way in silence, giving William time to reflect. He definitely felt some resistance towards Steve's hippy intuition spiel and yet he couldn't help thinking he might be onto something, somehow it resonated. Perhaps he had been ignoring the signs…perhaps that was where he had gone so wrong.
As William got out of the car, Steve turned to him. ‘I know it feels like this is the worst thing in the world right now, but tomorrow you can put this into perspective and see it as a chance to make some positive and obviously overdue changes. And you don't have to do all of this on your own. I am currently working with someone who can perhaps help you too, an executive coach. The work we are doing really is very empowering – there is a different way.’ And with that Steve left. He had just wanted to give William some hope amongst all of this upset. He would talk to him again in the next few days when hopefully William had calmed down.
Steve had received his own ‘nudges’ in the past which he regretted not acting on. He certainly didn't want William to make the same mistake. He was well aware that something, in his case a heart attack, could stop you in your tracks and force you to change. He wished he'd made a choice to change earlier. Still, he was where he was, and he'd learned a lot since then, especially to live in the present with as much gratitude as possible, for all that he had.
At this moment in time he was grateful he could be there for William.
‘It's your choice, William.’ Steve's words were ringing in William's ears as he walked towards his luxury cars parked on the drive ahead of him. The buzz of status
