Journal as to which voices you listened to more around the debating table.
Hold your debating table in mind as you work through this book. You will need it when considering other situations and problems.
Let’s Get Started
In this section, let’s look at the self-boundaries (or lack of them) you have and show you how to set new ones. It may feel uncomfortable and even strange to begin with. This is because our heads buzz with decision-making all day long, being pulled between the demands of our inner voices (Parent or Child) we have just introduced you to. Meanwhile, our emotions are also on constant alert, creating feelings which need to be assessed before we respond to them.
Draw the Line: remember that self-boundaries are personal to us – like our own skin – which, in order to be in peak condition, needs care and nourishment. The more confidence you develop in your own decision-making and first-class self-care you give to yourself, the more that your self-boundary (or skin) will glow.
A good example of someone with healthy self-boundaries is Mary Poppins – she is comfortable being ‘practically perfect in every way’ (said without self-deprecation), administers her own medicine without complaint, is charmed by her chimney sweep Bert but not bowled over and knows when to leave the family to care for itself (because her work is done).
Think again of that debating table of competing voices all trying to win the holiday argument. A healthy self-boundary will help you manage those voices – while also listening to them, and drawing from any wisdom on offer. Someone used to setting and maintaining good self-boundaries knows they can hear all points of view but they are confident when making the final decision.
EXERCISE: Getting to Know You
This exercise is about reflecting on and understanding the different parts of yourself.
Think back over the past week:
Can you identify one or more occasions when you have cared for yourself or taken time to have a moment to yourself? Perhaps you enjoyed a bath or took the dog out on your own.
Can you think of one occasion when you have criticised or felt disappointed in yourself? Something like, ‘I went for a run but I didn’t try hard enough/should have done better.’
Can you identify an occasion when you have cared for another? You might have offered a cup of tea to a tired co-worker.
Can you remember an occasion when you criticised someone else (either out loud or to yourself)? Perhaps you moaned about a co-worker for being always tired.
Have you noticed a thought about something – say, a newspaper article – that on reflection owes more to your parents’ ideas than what you know you feel? Something like: ‘Isn’t the Royal Family marvellous?’
Have you enjoyed a spontaneous moment with friends? Did you laugh at a ridiculous situation?
Have you felt frightened but known this to be irrational? For example, if waking up from a nightmare and feeling too scared to sleep again.
Have you sulked or deliberately provoked a fight? Did you take out a bad mood on a partner?
Have you been consciously pleasing to another? You might have offered compliments to cheer someone up.
Looking back at the week – how was your time divided up? Do you spend more hours overall being critical either of yourself or others, or do you spend quite a lot of time caring for yourself or others? How often do you aim to please others, and how frequently do you enjoy moments of spontaneous fun?
Now, think about which of these experiences or feelings correlate most closely to the Parental or Child-like voices at your debating table. Be aware that this is a matter of personal degree.
Remember that no single viewpoint is superior in some way. Simply, you are making observations not judgements to help you analyse your own behaviour, thoughts and feelings. You have taken the first steps into a deepening of the understanding you have of yourself. Use your Learning Journal to make notes.
In the next part of this Step, we are going to introduce you to some key areas where you can begin to introduce new boundaries into your day-to-day life. These will have practical benefits for your relationships, happiness and health, as well as teaching you the basics of boundary-making.
We’d like you to look at establishing good self-boundaries around sleep first. We start with sleep as these self-boundaries will put you in a much healthier, more relaxed and mentally stronger place to decide what you want for yourself and from others.
When we don’t have enough sleep, the competing voices in our head are louder and harder to analyse; think how difficult it is to make a decision if you are overtired and how easy it is to overreact emotionally to situations you might otherwise shrug off. We’re sure you can think of a problem that seemed to solve itself or diminish after a good night’s sleep.
BRING IN THE BOUNDARIES:
Your Sleep Plan
How well do you sleep? Are you resigned to your sleep pattern or constantly in a state of stress about it? Perhaps you recognise one or more of these sleep issues: the struggle to drop off, intermittent sleeping, waking up tired, waking up too early, wanting to sleep during the day, or needing to catch up at weekends? Whatever the issue, a new sleep self-boundary will be of huge benefit. So, let’s start.
Set your own perfect bedtime. Start by keeping a sleep diary and note each evening when you start to feel properly tired, not just a weary sensation. We mean the type of tiredness that means you will fall asleep quickly. As you set your sleep boundary, this feeling may take a few weeks to become recognisable, and your proper time to fall asleep may be earlier or later than you believed or wanted.
Once you have clocked this ideal go-to-sleep time, work backwards from it to establish a bedtime. How long does it take to lock up, put the cat out and turn the dishwasher on? How long for teeth cleaning, etc.? What’s an ideal reading time if you enjoy a book in bed or want to make time for sex?
So, the night-time ritual might read: 10 p.m. – put the dishwasher on, check the front door; 10.15 p.m. – clean teeth, check on children; 10.30 p.m. – in bed; 11 p.m. – fall asleep.
Note that this doesn’t include time for gadgets in bed – even podcasts or your favourite TV show. Electrical devices need to be banned from the bedroom. Notice your response to this ban; part of you probably doesn’t like this idea. It may be your inner child wanting its toys, but the Adult you knows that toys don’t help you sleep well. You might use TV or late-night music as a form of comfort to help you drop off – even though you often wake later if the programme changes abruptly or switches off. Another little voice in your head may be warning that you will feel worse if you try to stop this habit, as it acknowledges that you have become reliant on audio-visual stimulation. Perhaps this means you don’t ever get through REM sleep – the light dreamlike state – into the deep sleep state where the body starts repairing itself.
So, what can you do at bedtime? The simple answer is sleep, sex and reading – as long as you don’t end up more awake. With reading in mind, any subject matter is fine but it must not be work-related, or disturbing, or depressing. You can use a Kindle-like device if the illumination
