throat. He hadn’t come prepared with a speech and was stumped as to what to say to her next.
‘I’m lost for words, Debs,’ he finally admitted. ‘I cannae explain why I did what I did. All I can say is that I am so, so sorry. I cannae believe how badly I’ve treated you. I know you must hate me and I’ll understand if you never wannae see me again, but I’m begging you, please, give me just one more chance. I’ll get help for my temper, I’ll do anything you say. I love you, Debs and I want us to be a proper family. I’ll do whatever it takes. I’m nae talking shit, I really do love you. Please say you’ll give me another chance. I’ll make it up to you, I swear I will.’
With tears dropping on to her baby’s face, Debbie held the child as close as her sore ribs would allow. Annoyed with herself for getting all emotional, she stopped crying, cleared her throat and spoke the truth.
‘I don’t know if I can forgive you, Bill. I nearly lost the baby because of you. In fact, I nearly died. At one point the doctors said it was touch and go because my breathing was that bad. How can I give you another chance? I’ll be treading on eggshells for the rest of my life in case I say or do something to set you off again. I can’t live like that, Billy, I really can’t. And, to be honest, I’d be petrified for the baby’s safety. When you lose it, Bill, you’re like a madman. There’s no reasoning with you. What is wrong with you? Why do you do it?’
Billy knew that what she was saying was true. Unable to take his gaze off the little bundle in her arms, he walked towards her. ‘Can I hold him for a minute, Debs, so I can have a proper look at him?’
‘No, you can’t,’ she said, clinging on to her son for dear life. ‘I’ve just asked you a question, Billy. Don’t change the bloody subject! Why did you beat me up? What is it that triggers you off? Is there something in your past that you haven’t told me about?’
Her words and questions struck a nerve. Billy flopped down into his chair, held his head in his hands and began to sob. ‘Yes,’ he managed to mutter. ‘Something really bad happened to me … but I’ve never told anyone, Debs, only my brother. It’s so bad, I cannae tell yer.’
Debbie looked deep into his eyes and could see nothing but fear there.
‘Move your chair nearer,’ she urged him. Then, squeezing his hand comfortingly, she spoke kindly to him. ‘You have to tell me, Billy. Whatever it is, I need to know. If you don’t, I can’t help you.’
Billy held his hands over his face and kept them there. He was too embarrassed to look at her. Feeling thoroughly ashamed, he told her all the horrors of his childhood. As he finished spilling his guts, Debbie was stunned. She’d guessed he had some secret in his past, but never this. Poor Billy. Her heart went out to him.
‘Look at me, Billy, please,’ she said gently.
Getting up off the chair, he ignored her and walked over to the window. He couldn’t look at her in case he saw a look of disgust in her eyes. He was used to seeing it in his own. He saw it every day of every week, and every week of every year, whenever he glanced in the mirror. Opening the dirty window, he gulped in the fresh air. Unlike him, it felt clean and unspoiled.
As Debbie lay there in her hospital bed she felt completely lost for words. She knew from the past odd comment he’d muttered about his mother, that he’d had a shit childhood. But never in a million years would she have thought him the victim of sexual abuse. The signs just hadn’t been there.
Desperate to comfort him but not knowing what to say, she was almost relieved when the baby started to cry.
‘Come on, Bill, don’t stand over there. What happened to you wasn’t your fault. I’ll help you get through this, I promise. Now come over here. Our son’s crying and he needs his daddy.’
Shoulders slumped, Billy walked towards her, managed a half-smile and took his baby in his arms for the very first time. As he rocked him to and fro, he studied the baby intently and was pleased to see that he had the same colour hair and sharp features as himself. Smiling for the first time in days, he looked at Debs.
‘He’s a bonny lad, eh? Looks just like his daddy.’
Glad to see his mood had lifted, Debbie smiled back. ‘He’s your double, Billy, he’s a ringer for you. Now we must decide on a name. Do you still want to call him Charlie, after your brother?’
‘Can we?’ he asked, surprised. After what had happened, he hadn’t expected any choice in the matter. ‘Can he still have my surname?’
‘Of course he can.’
After kissing his son gently on the forehead, Billy handed him back to her.
‘Can I stay a bit longer, Debs, or would you rather I go now and pop back tomorrow?’
She took a deep breath. ‘I’m a bit tired now, Bill. I could do with some sleep. Why don’t you come back then, eh?’
‘Okay.’ He stood up. ‘Are we still an item, Debs, me and you?’
A nurse entering the room then saved Debbie from replying to his question when she didn’t know the answer. ‘We’ll talk tomorrow, Bill,’ she said softly as she took her medication.
As she watched the nurse put the giant teddy bear on the chair and take the flowers away, Debbie lay deep in thought. She knew in her heart that she still loved Billy, but she was worried about putting her and her son’s safety at risk. She knew Billy needed her and that she couldn’t walk away from that. How could she leave him after what he’d told her earlier? She might be stubborn and hard on the outside, but underneath her tough exterior she was kind and gentle and would do her utmost to help him.
Debbie gently guided the bottle into Charlie’s mouth. As she watched him feed, she knew she couldn’t deny him the chance of having his father around. Boys needed a daddy, and she was damned if she was going to let her son miss out, for the sake of her pride.
Perhaps now that Billy had told her everything, his evil temper would cease to be a problem. He had someone to talk to now, to discuss his problems with. Maybe that would calm him down, stop him losing his rag. Hoping against hope that she was making the right decision, Debbie smiled at her little bundle of joy.
‘I don’t know if I’m doing the right thing, Charlie, but I think me and you should give Daddy one more chance. If he messes up, son, then it’s just me and you against the whole wide world. What do you think, eh, boy?’
Charlie finished his bottle, took one look at his mother and screamed.
DEBBIE LOOKED AT her shiny new phone and knew that the first call she had to make was the one she’d been most dreading.
She had to ring her Mickey and invite him round to see the baby. Her brother was a clever bastard, and would get suspicious if she put him off any longer. She had no excuse now anyway as the tell-tale signs of the hiding she’d endured were long gone.
It was three weeks to the day since Charlie’s birth and she’d been back at home in Barking for just under a week. Giving Billy another chance hadn’t been easy, but she’d felt it was the right thing to do. She still hadn’t totally forgiven him; that would come in time, she hoped. But since she’d been home, Billy had been
