have told me,’ I said.
‘What?’ she said, lifting her leg up onto the glass wall around her terrace. ‘That you have fox poo in your garden? It’s been there for months. Along with the dead squirrel.’ She leaned over to stretch. ‘It’s hardly surprising,’ she continued, ‘given that degree of neglect.’ She placed her leg back down and then stared at me for a moment. ‘Why are you still in your dressing gown? It’s ten o’clock.’
I pulled the gown tighter around me. ‘I didn’t sleep so well last night.’
Victoria stared at me for a moment, then screwed up her face. ‘Oh God,’ she said, ‘I hope you’re not depressed. You know I can’t abide depressed people.’ She arched her back into a reverse downward dog, then sprang back up. ‘Or fat people,’ she added. ‘So self-indulgent.’
I watched her shake her hair out of its ponytail and then roll her shoulders before walking back inside. Then I glanced back down at Rupert and the poo smudges around his neck and shoulder. He’d even managed to embed some in his diamanté collar. I scrunched up my nose and carried him at arm’s length towards the bathroom.
According to a website dedicated to the behavioural tendencies of the Sporting Lucas, Rupert should have been delighted with his bath. Although not bred as a water dog, many Lucas-derived breeds were deeply fond of the water, the author of the website had explained, further evidenced by photos of Sporting Lucases enjoying an array of water-themed pursuits. Rupert, however, acted more like a kitten being plunged into concentrated hydrochloric acid, leaping out and desperately scrambling up the sides. I had to hold him down while applying a generous blob of his sulphite-free doggy shampoo.
Just as I was towelling him dry, the residual aroma of fox poo wafting towards me as I did, my phone started ringing. It was Matthew. I put him on loudspeaker and explained my situation.
He laughed loudly. ‘I bet Nick is loving that. Three rounds of IVF and now a dog in the bed. He’s probably wondering if you’re ever going to have sex again.’
‘Thanks, Matthew. That’s really helpful.’
‘You asked.’
‘Er, no actually, I didn’t.’
He continued. ‘So, why aren’t you at work? You’re not leaving for New York already, are you?’
I sighed. ‘No, Matthew. I’m not going. Remember?’
‘Oh yes,’ he said and then paused. ‘So, in that case you’ve taken a day off work to show Dominic you’re sulking.’ He laughed again. ‘Following which, he will undoubtedly issue you with a formal apology, cancel your travel itinerary and transfer his shares to you.’
I sighed. ‘I’m not sulking. I told you, I’ve taken a day off to settle Rupert in.’ Then I paused for a moment, wondering why there wasn’t the usual foray in the background of Matthew’s call. ‘Where are your kids?’
Matthew laughed. ‘I haven’t killed them if that’s what you’re wondering.’ There was a prolonged pause. ‘Although,’ he continued, ‘on a particularly trying day I once masterminded an untraceable and painless way to do it.’ He cleared his throat. ‘You know, if the need ever arose.’
I sniffed Rupert and then towelled him some more. ‘And when, precisely, might the need to murder your own children arise?’
‘Oh, I don’t know. Haven’t really thought it through,’ he said and then exhaled slowly. ‘Perhaps if there was a nuclear war and the population of Barnes became zombified and started eating each other. Or there was a localised coup and gangs of machete-wielding rebels began slaughtering families whose children went to private school.’
I shook my head and picked up Rupert’s brush. ‘So, working from the theory that the village of Barnes is still at peace, rather than the set for a real-life depiction of a Will Smith movie, where are they?’
‘Lucy’s taken them on a playdate.’
‘Isn’t she supposed to be at work?’
There was a pause. ‘She’s taking a sabbatical. I’m on strike.’
‘On strike? From what?’ I asked.
‘From domesticity. I still see the kids. Just not all day. And I’m refusing to perform any more household chores. This morning I went to the spa.’
I laughed.
He continued. ‘And today I was going to come to your offices to meet you for lunch, but since you’re sulking let’s go to Barnes Bistro instead.’
I tutted. ‘I’m not sulking.’
‘One-thirty work for you?’
Then the line went dead. I glanced down at Rupert. He looked back at me with an expression that implied he might enjoy a trip to Barnes.
After I’d brushed him and sprayed a still pungent part of his neck with doggy deodorant, there were still two hours to spare before my lunch meet with Matthew. Rather than checking the inevitable emails laden with divorce and heartbreak or barked orders from Dominic, I decided a much more productive use of my time would be to clear the garden for Rupert. I didn’t need Dr Phil to tell me that pulling up a few weeds was an infinitely simpler task than attempting to derail divorce for the masses.
Nick’s unused garden gloves were in the shed, still in their packet. The garden rake and broom still had their tags on. Like most couples we’d had grand plans when we first moved in, but somehow life had taken over and the ideas we’d had, such as laying decking across the patio and packing tubs full with sage and rosemary, never quite came to fruition.
Rupert seemed to enjoy his playtime in the garden, chewing twigs, eating grass and sniffing spiders. Each time I scooped some leaves or weeds into a bag I squeezed it tight just to make sure he hadn’t found his way into the pile. It wasn’t long before I’d filled ten bags with dead plants, rotting leaves, the remainder of the fox poo and the dead squirrel.
Every so often, Victoria would appear on her roof terrace to offer direction. She seemed genuinely baffled as to why I hadn’t arranged a ‘professional’ to do it for me.
Once I had finished, I hosed down the patio and brushed away the remaining mud and dust with the broom. Then I sat on the back step. I had two throbbing blisters on my hands but as I looked around at the courtyard with its high walls and creeping ivy—a pocket of tranquility in the busy streets of London—I couldn’t help but let out a contented sigh. As I did, Rupert jumped into my lap and closed his eyes. My eyelids felt heavy and I was tempted to close mine too, but it was nearly one o’clock and, given the bizarre mood Matthew had been in of late, I knew it would be unwise to leave him unsupervised in a licensed premises for even the briefest amount of time.
After I’d quickly changed my clothes, I looked down at the loose knit jumper and White Company trousers I’d selected, and wondered why I was dressing for the life I wanted rather than the one I had. I briefly considered digging out my old skinny jeans and Topshop T-shirts that I’d packed away in our spare wardrobe, but there was no time. I slathered on some lip gloss, tucked Rupert into his carry case, and set off to meet Matthew.
Just as I walked out of the house, my phone rang. I glanced at the screen, half expecting it to be Victoria complaining that a stray leaf had blown into her
