But we always have some choices and some trade-offs we can make. If you can avoid or minimise daycare for your boy under three, you will never regret it.
The process keeps going right into little-boyhood. A mother shows delight when her child catches frogs or makes mud pies, and admires his achievements. His father tickles him and play-wrestles with him, and is also gentle and nurturing, reading stories and comforting him when he is sick. The little boy learns that men are kind as well as exciting, that dads read books and are capable in the home; and that mothers are kind but also practical, and part of the bigger world.
In short
To sum up, the first lessons boys need to learn are in closeness – shown through trust, warmth, fun and kindness. Under six years of age, gender isn’t a big deal, and it shouldn’t be made so. Mothers are usually the primary parent, but a father can also take this place. What matters is that one or two key people love the child and make him central for these few years. That way, he develops inner security for life, and his brain acquires the skills of intimate communication and a love of life and the world. These years are soon over. Enjoy your little boy while you can!
From six to fourteen: learning to be male
At around six years of age, a big change takes place in boys. There seems to be a sudden ‘switching on’ of boys’ masculinity at this age. Even boys who have not watched any TV suddenly want to play with swords, wear Superman capes, fight and wrestle, and make lots of noise. Something else happens that is really important: it’s been observed in all societies around the world. At around six years of age, little boys seem to ‘lock on’ to their dad, or stepdad, or whichever male is around, and want to be with him, learn from him and copy him. They want to ‘study how to be male’.
If a dad ignores his son at this time, the boy will often launch an all-out campaign to get his attention. Once I consulted in the case of a little boy who repeatedly became seriously ill for no apparent reason. He was placed in intensive care. His father, a leading medical specialist, flew back from a conference overseas to be with him, and the boy got better. The father went away to another conference, and the illness came back. That’s when they called in the psychologists. We asked the father to reconfigure his lifestyle, which involved being on the road for eight months a year! He did this, and the boy has not been ill since.
Boys may steal, break things, act aggressively at school and develop any number of problem behaviours just to get Dad to take an interest. But if Dad is already in there on a daily basis playing, teaching and caring for his son, then this stage will go smoothly.
Mums still matter just as much
This sudden shift of interest to the father does not mean that Mum leaves the picture. In the past, in North America and the UK especially, mothers would often distance themselves from their boys at this age, to ‘toughen them up’. (This was also the age that the British upper classes sent their boys to boarding school.) But as Olga Silverstein has argued in her book, The Courage to Raise Good Men, this often backfired. If, in the early years, a mother suddenly withdraws her presence or her warmth and affection, then a terrible thing happens: the boy, to control his grief and pain, shuts down the part of him that connects with her – his tender and loving part. He finds it just too painful to feel loving feelings if they are no longer reciprocated by his mother. If a boy shuts down this part of him, he will have trouble as an adult expressing warmth or tenderness to his own partner or children, and will be a rather tense and brittle man. We all know men like this (bosses, fathers, even husbands) who are emotionally restricted and awkward with people. We can make sure our sons are not like this by hugging them, talking to them, listening to their feelings, whether they are five, ten or fifteen.
Mothers have to stay constant, while being willing to let Dad also play his part. Boys need to know they can count on Mum, in order to keep their tender feelings alive. Things work best if they can stay close to Mum, but add Dad, too. If a dad feels a child is too taken up with his mother’s world (which can happen), he should increase his own involvement – not criticise the mother! Sometimes a dad is too critical or expects too much, and the boy is afraid of him. A father might have to learn to be more thoughtful, gentler, or just more fun, if his son is to successfully cross the bridge into manhood with him.
The six- to fourteen-year-old boy still adores his mother, and has plenty to learn from her. But his interests are changing – he is becoming more focussed on what men have to offer. A boy knows that he is turning into a man. He has to ‘download the software’ from an available male to complete his development.
The mother’s job is to relax about this, and stay warm and supportive. The father’s job is to progressively step up his involvement. If there is no father around, then the child depends more on finding other men – at school, for instance.
WHAT TO DO IF YOU’RE A SINGLE MOTHER
For thousands of years, single mothers have needed to raise boys without a man in the house. And more often than not, these boys have turned out just great.
Over the years I have interviewed mothers who did this, to find out their secret. Successful single mothers of sons always give the same advice. Firstly, they found good male role models, calling in help from uncles, good friends, schoolteachers, sports coaches, youth leaders and so on (choosing with care to guard against the risk of sexual abuse). A boy needs to ‘know what a good man looks like’. If caring men are involved enough, and over a sufficiently long period of time, this provides that one missing thing a mother can’t give – a male example to copy. If there are one or two good men who know and care about your son, it makes a huge difference. Single mums can also comfort themselves that, after all, many boys with dads only see them for basically a few minutes a day. Whatever you do, don’t marry some deadbeat just so your son can have a man in the house!
Part of the survival kit of single mothers is the network(s) of good men in their community. If you are a dad, your son will certainly have friends who don’t have a dad present or whose dad is not very involved. Think about inviting that boy when you plan a trip to a concert, the beach, a sports game or a weekend away with your own son. His mum will be so appreciative, though she would never have asked for this, not wanting to impose. (She may be a little cautious, so perhaps don’t start with a rugged nine-day wilderness trek.)
Single parents need to be networked: being involved in a church, sporting group, extended family, or neighbourhood where kids are loved and valued is a natural way to provide other good adult role models and people to ‘bounce off’, especially in adolescence.
There’s one more thing. All the successful single parents I’ve known also recognised they needed to be kind to themselves, and not become long-suffering martyrs. (Martyrdom is like yoghurt: it has a shelf life of maybe two weeks, then it tends to go kind of sour!). Single parents who did well planned into their lives a massage, a game of racquetball, a yoga class, or just time vegging out watching TV when all were asleep – and they kept this commitment to their own wellbeing. (For more help on single parenting, see here)
