a little. ‘No, I love you, you idiot! That makes it different! I’ve never done this with someone I’ve loved before!’
Megan blinked. ‘Oh. I didn’t think that made a difference.’
‘Yeah, well it does,’ he mumbled, grumpy.
She didn’t know why that made her feel better, but she stroked a finger along his chest, slowly moving down beneath the covers. ‘Well, I guess we’ll have to just make it up as we go along then,’ she winked. After that everything seemed a lot easier.
***
‘So…that was a blast from the past,’ Lucas said as they sat at the counter on bar stools, eating their dinner, barely looking at each other.
‘Why do you always have to do that? You can never just not mention something,’ Megan sighed.
‘Well, I thought it was pretty obvious it happened, as we’re both here. You wanna sit here, pretend that didn’t happen, and then go home and be awkward?’
No, I want you to throw the plates on the floor and do me here and now, her mind betrayed her, and she twitched her mouth in irritation.
She stabbed at her salad. ‘I don’t know what happened. And I don’t know what you want me to say. One minute we’re all “I miss you” and the next we’re sticking our tongues down each other’s throats like a couple of –’
‘Teenagers,’ Lucas said pointedly, ‘that’s all we’ve ever known, Angel.’
Megan took a deep breath, and exhaled. ‘I haven’t slept with anyone else. I mean, I haven’t had a relationship, or anything, since having Skye.’
‘You haven’t had sex in eleven years?’ Lucas’ jaw dropped. ‘How? Why?’
‘Because I’m a mother! You think I’m just going to let someone into my life like that? Have my kid see me keep trying to find someone, because our family isn’t enough for me? I won’t do that.’
Lucas paused. ‘Never stopped my mum.’
‘And I knew how much that upset you. And Clare. And I didn’t want that for Skye. I don’t…I don’t do this.’
Lucas reached for her hand, gently stroking the back of it as she put down her fork. ‘It’s just me. ’
‘So we’re meant to just pick up where we left off, is that it?’ She shook her head, exasperated.
‘No, but maybe we could admit that there’s something still here. That whatever issues we had, love wasn’t really the problem.’
She nodded. ‘That’s true.’
‘The problem was your inability to trust anyone else with your shit, lean on anyone and let them help you.’
She pulled back her hand. ‘Now wait a minute –’
Lucas raised his eyebrows. ‘Was anything about that statement essentially untrue?’
‘We were going on different paths, there was no point dragging you down, I had to be responsible for my own mistakes…’ She ticked off the reasons on her fingers.
‘I’m not talking about when you got pregnant, although that’s a factor. I’m talking about wanting to break up in the first place. You couldn’t have one tie to this place. You had to have all or nothing, and it’s the same now. Denying yourself any interaction, any love or affection in ten years? You’re young, Megan.’
‘I don’t feel like it,’ she huffed, arms crossed until she realised she looked like a moody teenager, and sipped her wine snootily.
Lucas started a new offensive. ‘And what do you think Skye’s relationships are going to be like, when she’s seen her mother close herself off, never let anyone get close? You don’t think she’s going to pick up the same idea; that no one can be trusted to take you as you are?’
Megan slammed her hand down on the table. ‘That’s enough! Stop bringing my daughter into this like she’s your trump card. I don’t want her to get attached to someone who might not stick around. It’s been us against the world since forever, and she’s been fine with that.’
Lucas leaned in. ‘Then why is she asking about her dad?’
‘Because we never should have come here!’ Megan stood up. ‘And I should never have done this, it’s ridiculous. Acting like we’re kids again – we’re not! I am a grown-up with bigger responsibilities than having sex and feeling butterflies. My kid has to come first. Always. She is always going to come first, Lucas.’
Megan looked around for her coat, and pushed in her chair. ‘I’m sorry, this was a bad idea. Thank you for dinner.’
Lucas stood up and followed her across the room. ‘It wasn’t, it wasn’t a bad idea.’ He put his arms around her waist, leaning his forehead against hers, and she let him, because she was weak, and he was warm, and comforting, and still smelled just like him, that unchangeable essence that was Lucas. She closed her eyes.
‘I’m not asking to come first. I’m not asking for anything, except for you to let me in. Take a holiday from your life for a few more days. I promise when you go I won’t beg you to stay.’ His voice was a gravelly whisper, and she felt his breath against her cheek.
What did she have to lose, really? A few days with Lucas, feeling wanted and warm and alive, before she went back to that life that she’d been sleepwalking through?
‘I’ll beg you to stay now though, if necessary.’ She heard the smile in his voice and opened her eyes. His eyes had always got to her, she could stare at them for ages, that sapphire blue that seemed too bright to be real.
‘Okay,’ her voice was croaky, ‘okay.’
He pulled her close until they were completely aligned, kissing her delicately, exploring, opening her up until she was desperate for him, tugging at the thin knit jumper he had on until he pulled it over his head and chucked it across the room. She took a moment to look at him, tracing the lines of his body. He’d been slim before, a wiry frame, but this body had been toned and tuned with purpose. She traced a finger along the ‘v’ of his hipbone, unsure of why it turned her on so much.
‘A little different,’ Lucas smirked, reaching for her, holding her against his hard chest.
‘Very,’ she breathed against him, feeling him turn her around so he could unzip her dress. She paused, then pulled down the leggings and the dress, standing there in her black bra and knickers. She waited for the assessment, nervous of how he would see her adult body, no longer lithe and athletic, but curved and soft.
‘Woah.’ His eyes were focused on her chest. ‘Those are different too.’ He kissed down her neck to her breasts, licking and sucking through the thin lace fabric, until she felt she was about to pass out. The blood seemed to rush from her head, and all she was left with was a dizzying need. She growled a little as he bit her nipple gently, and pulled him closer by the belt buckle. She needed to be pushed up against him, needed his weight on her.
‘Bedroom?’
