he tells me that he doesn’t have feelings for me anymore and doesn’t see the relationship going any further and hopes that we can be friends. I know for a fact that there’s not another woman, so I can only take him at his word because he’s never been anything but up front with me. So what happened?
Jennifer
Dear Great Gatsby,
Some guys (and ladies too) are great. In fact, many of them are. That’s why we like them so much, fall in love with them, and are disappointed when it doesn’t work out in the end. Sadly, that’s how it is sometimes. Two people in a relationship either grow together or apart over time. Sometimes they do both, and that’s the most puzzling. Regardless, it’s a very real occurrence that one’s feelings can stop growing for no identifiable reason. What you can be grateful for is his honesty, the untarnished memory of a healthy relationship, and the realization that great guys do exist, and hopefully you’ll find the right one for you that you’ll go the distance with. You found one once, you’ll find one again. Promise.
But why does it still hurt?
Dear Greg
My boyfriend and I broke up almost a year ago and it still hurts! We were only together for a year and a half, so shouldn’t I be over this? They say it takes half the time of the total length of the relationship to get over it, but that equation hasn’t worked for me. I swear it hurts as much today as it did a year ago. I still think about him every day and think of all the great memories we had together, and it makes me so mad that he just threw that all away. How long is it going to hurt and how do I get over this?
Lauren
Dear Time Stands Still,
I do believe that someone did say that it takes half the time of a relationship to get over it. There’s another formula, though, that may be more accurate; if your pet hamster dies, you count the number of years it was alive, divide that by its number of paws, and find the square root. OR maybe mathematical equations do not apply to the heart. I think the time it takes to feel better about a breakup, Hot Stuff, is directly proportional to the time it takes to feel better about yourself. When you feel bad about yourself, you replay loops in your head. You replay great moments you guys had together so you can reassure yourself that you “blew it.” You go back over mistakes you made: “If only I’d been skinny, sexy, whatever” to “What about that time I set his car on fire…” (Uh, okay, some things may have been a factor.) So you sit around and devalue yourself. You think about what you could have said or should have done—or what you might say if he comes crawling back—instead of being present in the moment and working toward a new and better future. It’s called a breakup because it’s broken. It can’t be fixed, so you have to let it go, and only then will your pain begin to subside. The hard part about time is that it actually takes time. Sorry.
THE Best WORST NEWS
The best worst news is that you’re broken up. You’re in the thick of it. There’s no more dreading when or if it’s going to happen, or how badly you’re going to feel. You’re here, and like everything else in life, the reality is never quite as bad as you feared it would be. You didn’t die, the world didn’t end, food still tastes decent, and now you have time to reconnect with friends, catch up on your reading, and hog the bed all to yourself if nothing else.
The super sucky hard part is adjusting to this new reality and, of course, going through some real heartache. The thing about breakups and the pain that accompanies them is that they can’t just be undone or get better. Even the most mutual of splits usually hurts one party more than the other and can lead to an avalanche of emotions that takes some time to clear. But the flip side of breaking up—and here’s the Best News part—is that you are also breaking free from a relationship that wasn’t working. Freedom means no more agonizing, no more drama, and no more time wasted on someone who wasn’t appreciative of who you really are. Freedom means you can redesign your life and the sky’s the limit—you can take all the things you hoped for in your relationship, all your dreams about what love should be and feel and look like, and find a guy who will actually make them happen. During this time when you feel decimated and powerless, remember that you are still in control of at least one thing—yourself. And while you can’t make someone take back a breakup, you do get a say in what happens next. You get to decide whether to use this situation as a turning point, and be dignified in your grief, or let it overtake you and hold you back. So start now. Start today. Don’t be a victim of heartbreak, be a take-charge superstar! (Yeah, that’s kind of goofy, but you know what we mean.)
What I Did Wrong BY GREG
It happened slowly and it super sucked. She’d been hanging out with this guy from work—let’s call him DUDE. You know, going out and having a drink, that kind of thing. Just her and the Dude, who is really good-looking. A lot of people are handsome. And funny. A lot of people are handsome and funny. Totally cool. Then I caught them making out on our driveway and I thought, “This is suspicious.” But she was probably just helping him get something out of his mouth with her tongue. She was kind like that. Soon thereafter, she lost interest in sleeping with me and even moved into a hotel for a while. Still, she insisted I was her boyfriend, and I thought, “Great.” Then one day she calls me to say she’s buying a place in New York. “New York? But you live and work in Los Angeles!” “I know, but I hate it here.” “But I’m here.” “You could come to New York.” “And do what?” Silence. I hung up. When your girlfriend moves to a different city, there are really some cracks in the foundation of your relationship. It dawned on me I might be losing her. I had to concoct a plan, some way to get her not to move. Something dramatic. Isn’t that what they do in the movies? Drama? You know, stand on the lawn with a boom box, that kind of thing. Seriously, if I could have crashed through her hotel window on the end of a golden rope dressed like a pirate holding a boom box, I would have. The problem with being the guy with the boom box is that in the movie he’s the hero but in real life he gets carted away by the cops. Scratch the pirate getup. So I decided to break up with her as a way to get her back. How could this go wrong? I’ll break up with her, she’ll realize the huge mistake she’s making, and she’ll call off the move to New York. I mean, what’s in New York? It’s just a bunch of tall buildings and…that DUDE…Oh shit!
But here’s what’s worse: Even when I added it all up—The Driveway, The Hotel, New York, and Dude—I still had HOPE!! And why wouldn’t I? She was making out with Dude, living in a Hotel, and moving to New York. What’s not to be hopeful about? Who thinks that? A sane person looks at what’s going on, makes an assessment, and then moves in the direction that is the least painful. But when you’re hurting, you are not sane, and for whatever reason, often only interested in more pain. So I broke up with her. To which she said, “Great.” So I then asked her to take me back. Oh wow! Now I was giving her another chance to reject me on top of the rest, and guess what…I still wouldn’t let it go. Quite often I think back to this event and wonder why I didn’t just say to her, “Hey, it sucks, but you don’t seem to be into me, and since you won’t break up with me, I’m gonna do it.” And then walk away quietly with dignity instead of indulging in the behavior outlined in the pages to come. If you are where I was then right now, know that you can walk away with your dignity today. Trust me, please. You will wish you had.
How I Got Through It BY AMIIRA
At some point you realize that you’re not going to die from a broken heart—though you’ll surely
