natural parents, I see a complete absence of respect, not only from the children to their parents and vice versa, but also between the parents themselves, and from the parents towards other adults. It is so sad, and it makes working with these families and trying to rebuild relationships very difficult. No one listens to anyone, as each person focuses solely on their own needs, shouting orders, commands and insults, oblivious to each other.
If the situation has been like this for years, by the time the children are teenagers the ‘family’ is no more than a set of very selfish, self-centred and unhappy individuals who orbit and collide with each other in a chaos of demands and wants. It often comes as a revelation to the parents to learn that their child (or partner or other adult) has, and is entitled to, their own viewpoint and feelings, and that those feelings should be treated with respect.
Respect is crucial, both for a healthy family and for an individual to function successfully in society. It has been suggested that the lack of respect now seen in many children is responsible for the growing crime rate among minors. Respect can be achieved by using the 3Rs and summed up in the following:
* Don’t demand, but Request.
* Don’t shout, but speak in an even voice, repeating at the same level if necessary.
* Listen to what your child has to say and take their opinions seriously.
* Don’t interrupt or talk over your child when he or she is speaking, and don’t let them talk over or interrupt you.
* Teach good manners, politeness, tolerance, gentleness and cooperation in your child’s dealings with others.
* Talk to your child about other people’s feelings and about not hurting them.
* Empathise and be aware of your child’s point of view, just as your child should be aware of yours.
* Ask your child questions, and listen to his or her replies.
* Never smack your child or use any form of corporal punishment – it is humiliating for all concerned and sets a bad example.
* Never allow your child to verbally or physically assault another person.
* Don’t be afraid to discipline your child, imposing sanctions where necessary.
Last but not least, spend time with your child. Time is far more important than anything money can buy. It sends your child the clear message that he or she is worth your attention and that you find pleasure in their company. I sometimes wonder just how many children there are in loving and affluent homes who have everything they could want in material terms, but who are emotionally abused from lack of parental attention. When young, these children are ‘babysat’ by all manner of wonderful toys and gadgets, and when older they sit in their bedrooms, in front of the latest computer screen with their iPods plugged in, logged into internet chat rooms, desperately searching for the attention they are not receiving from their parents. Such neglect isn’t intentional, and more the by-product of a hectic lifestyle, but time spent with children, whatever their age, is so very important and should be top of every parent’s schedule.
It’s the behaviour that’s wrong
When disciplining your child for bad behaviour, always remember that it is the behaviour that is wrong, and not the child. Never say, ‘Tom, you are a naughty/bad/selfish/hurtful boy to do that.’ Tom will feel that he is, and is more likely to repeat the negative behaviour. Do say, ‘Tom, that was a naughty/bad/selfish/hurtful thing to do.’ Then add some explanation as to why the behaviour was wrong, setting it in a general context. ‘Tom, it was naughty to pull Claire’s hair because it hurts. Don’t do it again, please. Good boy.’ Or ‘Claire, it’s wrong to snatch Tom’s sweets. Ask him nicely if you can have one. Good girl.’ This separates the child’s bad behaviour from the child, who is intrinsically good and wants to do the right thing. No child is inherently bad, and all children want to do what is right, although it may not always seem like it at the time.
Don’t assume the child knows why the behaviour was wrong or what is correct behaviour. Add a simple statement of why the act was wrong – ‘Because it hurts’ – and what is correct – ‘Ask Tom if you can have one of his sweets.’ And always add the praise – ‘Good boy/girl’, as praise creates the positive assumption that the child deserves it, and will not be repeating the negative behaviour in the future.
When I foster children who have come from highly dysfunctional families where there were no rules and no respect, I have to go back to basics, whatever the child’s age, and teach them what behaviour is acceptable and what is not. Initially, if the child is completely out of control, I have to put in place the basic rules of no hitting, biting, kicking, etc. very quickly, using the 3Rs. When the child has calmed down a little, having been reassured that I have his or her behaviour under control, he or she becomes more receptive, and will often ask why he shouldn’t do something. The child isn’t being cheeky or insolent; he or she genuinely doesn’t know. Children who have been raised in functioning and loving families with clear boundaries will have been brought up with guidelines for acceptable behaviour and by the time they start school will know what is right and wrong, and why. But if a child has spent all of his or her life in a feral existence where everyone looked after number one, to the exclusion of everyone else, this will not be obvious; they won’t know what is acceptable behaviour. Past experience will have taught the child that he had better take care of his own needs as no one else will, and if he wants something, he will take it by fighting if necessary.
Simply telling a child from this type of background that biting hurts and that we don’t like it being done to us, so we don’t do it to others, is often news to the child. But no matter how dreadful the child’s behaviour is when they first arrive (and I’ve seen some pretty awful behaviour), I know that beneath all the anger, swearing and aggression is a loving, gentle child who desperately wants to do the right thing so that they can fit in and be loved.
The length of time it takes to socialise the child and modify his unacceptable behaviour depends on how violent and abusive their family background is, and the age of the child when he or she comes into care. The longer he or she has been in a dysfunctional environment, the longer it takes. But even a teenager can be turned around with clear consistent boundaries, rewards and sanctions, using the 3Rs. They eventually come to see that it is not they, the person, who is bad, but the way they behave, which is a product of their experience, and which they have control over and can change.
Time out
Although I’m no advocate of the naughty chair/step/spot, I do use time out, with children of all ages, to give everyone a cooling-down period and a chance to reflect. Walking away from an explosive situation is fine for an adult with inbuilt self-control, as is taking a deep breath and counting to ten, or any other self-regulating mechanism for regaining control, but these techniques don’t work for many children. Even the most well-behaved child will sometimes flare up, as will their parents and siblings, and putting a bit of space and time into the situation can defuse it.
I use time out not as a punishment but as a positive acknowledgement that everyone involved needs time to calm down and reflect on their behaviour. I call it quiet time, and use the 3Rs to implement it.
Tom is out of control, shouting and flailing his arms; he is very angry with you and not open to reason. Go to him, hold or touch his arm and make eye contact. Request firmly (and loudly enough for him to hear over his shouting), ‘Tom, I think we need some quiet time. Go to the lounge [or any free room you choose] and calm down.’ If Tom doesn’t do as you have asked, Repeat your Request more firmly, adding the warning of a sanction if he doesn’t comply – ‘Tom, go to the lounge for some quiet time, now, please. You don’t want to lose
