towards me. I peeked over the top of the desk to see a sleeping toddler lying back in his buggy and then I raised my head to look at Cian, directly into his eyes. I prepared myself to welcome him in the most professional way possible. He didn’t know who I was and I, as far as everyone knew, did not know him.
I was just about to speak when I heard a gasp from Tori beside me.
‘Cian!’ she cried out, the two patients sitting in the waiting area looking up at the commotion. She jumped from her seat and moved out from behind the desk at lightning speed and threw herself at him, pulling him into a giant hug. He took a step back, but she followed him, not letting go of her grip. He let her hug him, his arms limp at his side before she pulled back and glanced down at the buggy, tapping on the rain cover and cooing loudly at the baby inside.
‘Oh Cian, it’s so lovely to see you here! And Jack too.’ Stunned from his slumber, Jack blinked at her through the prisms of raindrops. I watched him rub his eyes with chubby fists as Tori whipped the rain cover off and lifted him out of his pram and into her arms. He started to cry, but Tori, oblivious to being the cause for the child’s distress, just pulled him close to her and kissed the top of his head, telling him it was okay. Cian stood watching the scene, not interjecting. He looked worn out. I fought the urge to reach out to him and offer to help him in whatever way I could.
Tori continued to coo at Jack while Cian spoke, his voice soft and low. ‘I know Rose was intending to register Jack here so I wanted to do what she wanted. His first teeth are well through so it’s time to start doing things, isn’t it? I thought I would bring him here for a check. Sure, he knows you all anyway.’
At that he turned to look at me. He narrowed his eyes, looked me up and down as if trying to place me.
‘Hi,’ I said softly. ‘I’m Emily. I’m very sorry for your loss.’
I extended my hand to his, but his arms remained by his side. He just looked at me, his eyes vacant, and I grew wildly uncomfortable.
‘When did you start here?’ he asked, blinking at me.
‘A month ago, something like that,’ I answered.
‘You’re her replacement then?’ he said, his voice sad but I couldn’t help but notice a new tension in his jaw. ‘Owen didn’t waste much time, did he?’
I blushed, blinked. Didn’t know what to say. ‘I’m sure it wasn’t like that. I’ve heard Rose was irreplaceable,’ I offered.
‘Clearly not,’ he said, any softness gone from his voice.
I couldn’t find any words. I just stood and looked at him and then to Tori, hoping to catch her eye, but she was lost cooing over Jack who had stopped his crying and was looking around him, taking in the sight that must have been so familiar to him at one time.
I felt awkward. The blush that had started at the back of my neck turning into a slight sweat. I felt stupid. Self-conscious. Unwanted. Angry too – if I’m honest – at his response. Still he looked at me, his gaze filled with disdain. I tried to jolt myself into action, remember I was here to be professional.
‘You wanted to register your son?’ I muttered.
‘Is Donna here?’ he answered. ‘Or Owen himself? Or would he not come and talk to me, the husband of one of his most beloved employees?’ His voice dripped with scorn.
‘They’re with a patient just now, but I’m sure they would be happy to see you. In the meantime, I can help you with the paperwork you need to do?’ I offered a small smile, which wasn’t returned.
‘I know how to fill in a registration form,’ he said, as I attached one to a clipboard and handed it to him with a Scott’s Dental pen.
He stalked to the seating area. The two waiting patients gawked at him, having given up the pretence of looking at their phones to watch the scene unfolding before them. Tori, who was now singing ‘Humpty Dumpty’ to Jack, was lost in her own happy world. Clearly, she never really thought about how tragic it was when all the king’s horses and all the king’s men couldn’t put Humpty together again.
To my shame I felt tears prick at my eyes and a lump form at the back of my throat. I realised my hands were clenched as a wave of anxiety threatened to buckle me. This was not the Cian I had come to know from his Facebook posts. This was not the man I had felt so sorry for. He was mean and cruel and I suddenly felt like the outsider again. How could he not be the person he let the world believe he was? Then again, Ben had turned out to be someone, something, I never could have dreamed possible.
When I heard the surgery door open and saw Donna walking out, leading a patient to reception, I sagged with relief. She could deal with him now. She could listen to his aggression about how Owen had the audacity to replace his dead wife, the dead wife who, the cruel part of me wanted to tell him, clearly wasn’t even one bit fit for work. I needed some air. I watched as Donna caught sight of Tori with Jack, how she looked at the waiting area where Cian sat with his head bowed over the form, scowling in anger. I watched as she turned back to me as if to give herself a chance to take in what she was seeing and I nodded.
‘I need my break, Donna,’ I said. ‘I’m feeling a bit faint,’ I lied, walking straight through the door to the staff kitchen and locker room before she had the chance to stop me.
I pulled my bag from my locker, rummaged through it until I found the strip of anti-anxiety pills that would bring me a little calm, and pressed two out into my hand. Running water from the cooler, I threw the pills back and gulped the water to wash them down and then sat on a chair, under the beatific picture of Rose, trying to still my hands from shaking.
I don’t think I ever thought I would actually come face-to-face with him. Of course, I knew he was a real person but he had taken on a different kind of status in my mind. He was my romantic lead. The man who wrote beautiful, heartbreaking, impassioned letters to his late wife. Not this gruff, wan-looking man with his steely eyes looking at me like I was a piece of shit he had just wiped off his shoe. Not this man who was angry at me just because I existed. Because I stood in the spot his wife once did. I knew he was grieving. I wasn’t stupid. I know grief makes you say and do things that perhaps you probably wouldn’t normally, but I hadn’t deserved for him to dismiss me in that manner.
I sipped from my glass of water and wondered whether it was worth going outside for a quick smoke. Remembering the sheets of rain battering against the glass front of the practice, I decided against it. Besides, I was really trying to cut down – the cool and beautiful girls of Scott’s Dental didn’t smoke. Two of them vaped but that was different, of course. That didn’t leave a funk of stinky smoke on their clothes. It didn’t turn their professionally whitened teeth yellow.
I was just about to put my bag back in my locker and return to work when the door to the staff kitchen opened and Donna shooed Cian in in front of her.
‘Emily, could you put on a cup of tea for Cian here? Just while Owen and I finish with our next patient.’
I wanted to scream, No! I wanted to say could they not find someone – anyone – else to do it instead of me, but I couldn’t do that. I couldn’t throw a strop. It wasn’t befitting of someone in a white uniform with perfectly preened hair and a silver name badge. So I smiled and said yes, and set about my task without making eye contact with him. I heard Donna tell Cian she and Owen wouldn’t be long, and that the girls were having a wonderful time seeing baby Jack again and maybe a cup of tea would help him settle his nerves. Then she left, all soothing tones and hushed voice, leaving me wishing
