out a cup and dropping a tea bag into it while waiting for the kettle to boil. I should offer him a biscuit too, I supposed. I lifted down the tin from the cupboard and took the lid off.
‘I’m sorry for before,’ he said to my back and I felt myself tense up. I walked to the fridge and took out the milk.
‘I … well … it’s been very hard even coming here. I didn’t know if it was the right thing. I don’t think I know what the right thing is anymore. Rose, she did all these things, you know. Dentists. Doctors. Childminders. And music with mammy classes. No one wants to see the sad widower come along with a grouchy toddler.’
I turned to face him then.
‘So I’m left to try and do all this and I don’t really know what I’m doing. I thought coming here might make me feel closer to her. That was stupid of me, I realise that now. I mean, Jesus, it’s just one more place she isn’t anymore, isn’t it? And I saw you, and you know, the world is moving on without her. Everyone else, they’ve cried their tears and worn their black clothes and, even here, they closed their doors on the day of her funeral, but life goes on, doesn’t it? Even the man who was driving the car – did you know the High Court let him out on bail? He’s walking the streets like he never hurt anyone in his life. And it’s only me, stuck in this fucking mess.’
He was swearing but his words weren’t angry. They were sad and his eyes had filled with tears. My earlier hurt evaporated.
‘It can’t have been easy, coming here,’ I said hesitantly. ‘People haven’t really moved on if that’s any consolation – everyone talks about her all the time, you know? They miss her.’
He put his head in his hands, running his fingers through his still wet hair. ‘I didn’t mean to come here and make a tit of myself. Rose would kill me if she could see me now,’ he said.
‘I’m sure she would understand,’ I offered. ‘Milk and sugar?’
He looked up at me as I poured the boiling water into his mug. He looked so wretched I had to fight the urge to put down the kettle, walk across the room and just hold him. He looked like he desperately needed to be held. To be comforted.
‘I’m sorry this happened,’ I offered.
‘Thanks,’ he said, sniffing, and I handed him a piece of kitchen paper to blow his nose with. ‘And no milk but two sugars. Rose used to give out about that. Working here and all.’ He forced a watery smile, which melted my heart even more as I spooned the sugar into the mug and stirred it.
‘Even Owen takes sugar in his tea,’ I said smiling, and offered him the cup.
‘I thought he would be sweet enough,’ Cian said, sipping from his cup.
I laughed at the remark. But he didn’t laugh with me. He just rubbed the stubble on his chin and sighed, before taking another sip of his tea. ‘You make a good cuppa,’ he said.
‘One of my few skills,’ I muttered, blushing, offering him the biscuit tin. He reached in and I noticed not only the glint of his wedding ring, but the solid strength of his hands. I sat the tin on the table, moved back across the room. A safe distance.
For a minute we said nothing. I tried to find something to say that wouldn’t make me sound like a complete eejit, but my tongue was tied. Every time something did enter my head it related to something I probably shouldn’t have known about, something I had gleaned from my evenings reading his posts to Rose on Facebook.
‘Your little boy is gorgeous,’ I offered eventually.
He smiled again. ‘He’s what’s keeping me going right now. I think I’d have given up without him. He’s such a great little boy. So loving. So funny. He gets all his goodness from Rose, of course.’
‘I’m sure that’s not true,’ I said, thinking that the goodness – the love for his son – was oozing right out of him.
‘Oh it’s true,’ Cian said. ‘It’s like he got all her best bits – her temperament, her smarts, her beautiful blue eyes. At times when I look at him, he pulls a face or something and it’s like looking right at her. It’s the nicest thing in the world and a kick in the teeth at the same time.’
‘It must be hard, I’m sorry. I can’t think of anything to say that will make a difference. It’s just rubbish.’
‘Yes,’ he said, shaking his head slightly. ‘It’s just rubbish. But Jack, he’s good. He’s the good in all of this.’
‘I’m sure you’re a great dad. He’s lucky to have you,’ I said.
‘Thank you,’ Cian replied, but he seemed lost in his own thoughts all the same. He put the chocolate biscuit he had selected back in the tin and his cup on the table. I had a feeling he was going to say something more but the door opened and in walked Donna and Owen, the latter holding baby Jack who whooped with delight on seeing his father and threw himself forward, arms wide, towards Cian who pulled him into a hug and kissed the top of his head.
‘Cian,’ Owen said. ‘We didn’t expect to see you.’
‘I just thought I’d register Jack here. I know Rose intended to so it seemed the right thing to do.’
‘Well, I think that’s lovely,’ Donna said. ‘And of course, we’re always happy to see this little fella.’
‘But if it would upset you and Jack to come here, maybe another dentist would be a better option?’ Owen said, a serious tone to his voice.
I watched as Cian lifted the same chocolate biscuit he had put back in the tin just a few minutes before and handed it to his son.
‘Everything upsets us at the minute at one level or another, Owen. If we stopped doing things just because they brought back memories of Rose, we’d never do anything. Not even wake up. She’s everywhere. It’s good for Jack to be around things that can remind him of her. God knows he won’t remember her, not in any real sense – he’s much too young. So I’ll do what it takes to keep her in his life for as long as possible.’
I couldn’t quite pinpoint what exactly felt strange about how Cian spoke to Owen but something was off. Was it his tone? The look on his face? The way he barely blinked as they spoke? All of a sudden I felt as if I was watching something I shouldn’t be.
I took the first opportunity I could to slip out of the kitchen and back behind the reception desk to continue with my filing.
Not five minutes later, Donna followed Cian and Jack out of the kitchen and through the waiting area, telling him everyone was just struggling to deal with the loss of Rose and his visit had been a bit of a surprise.
‘You’re part of the family here,’ she said, as Cian strapped Jack back into his buggy. ‘And this wee man will always be our lucky mascot.’
Donna crouched down and tickled Jack, who squirmed and giggled back at her. I thought of how he smiled at his mother that day, as she sang to him in the lift. Neither of them knowing what was about to happen.
Cian thanked Donna and they hugged briefly. I tried not to stare, or to think what it would be like if I had his arms around me. ‘We’ll see you for this young fella’s first check-up then? In two weeks?’
‘Yes,’
