of life and deeply influences the experiences those around us have.
Isn’t it time we learned to shape our minds – not be shaped by them? We think so, and this book will show you how.
Michael Chaskalson and Megan Reitz
June 2017
Chapter 1
Imagine …
You’re sitting around the table at a family gathering. Everyone’s there: your parents, your partner, your kids, your brother and sister. It’s all been wonderfully good humoured and everyone’s having a good time. But then a subject comes up that sparks old tensions between your mother and your brother.
Your mother comments; your brother bristles and retorts.
Your mum sits up straighter in her chair and replies crossly. And they’re off.
It’s a familiar pattern. The rest of you silently, awkwardly, look on – and vainly try to steer the conversation towards something lighter.
You feel tense, upset and resigned, caught up in a family argument that’s been around for years and may be around for many years to come. You’re annoyed with your mum and brother. You wish they’d just sort this out. You’re fed up with the emotional rollercoaster that comes with these situations and you say to yourself that maybe it’s best to avoid these gatherings from now on.
However, it doesn’t have to be like this.
You can’t change your mum, your brother and the dynamic between them. But you can change how you are in the situation – and that can change everything. With AIM – Allowing, Inquiry and Meta-awareness – you experience things differently.
Here’s how it works.
Allowing has two sides to it. There’s a wisdom side and a compassion side.
With the wisdom side, you let what is the case be the case. This means recognising that this moment – this very moment, right now – couldn’t be anything other than it is. You can’t go back in time and change things so that this moment somehow turns out to be different. Right now, it is what it is. And it’s only when you can truly allow that it is what it is that you have choice about what to do next.
So, with your mum and your brother, you recognise that it is what it is. This is what it’s like and there’s no sense in wishing it could magically be different right now.
We spend so much of our time wishing that things weren’t as they are. ‘If only I were different’ or ‘if only they were different’ or ‘if only my work was different, or I had more money, or I was better looking, or fitter, or …’ Anything, really. None of that helps. It is what it is. And when we can allow that, we begin to have some real choice about what we do next.
This moment can’t be changed, but the next moment is undecided. What we do now shapes what comes next, and when our actions are rooted in allowing and acknowledging the current reality of things then they’re very much wiser and more effective.
So part of the first step with AIM in this particular family situation is to allow that it is actually what it is. But this isn’t cold and indifferent, because as well as a wisdom side to Allowing, there’s also a compassion side.
Compassion involves being kinder and more accepting towards everyone involved in each situation – yourself and others. In this case, it might mean seeing with care and concern all the unhappiness that your mum and your brother are inflicting on themselves as they act out this familiar drama. And it means being kind and concerned for everyone else involved in the moment, including yourself.
Compassion needs to start with yourself. That often goes against our assumptions about what compassion or kindness is all about. But when we’re better able to be kind to ourselves it can help us be kinder to others.
It’s so easy, and so common, to be harshly self-critical. We can sometimes speak to ourselves in ways we’d never speak to others. ‘Where did I leave my keys? Oh, that’s so stupid! I’ve lost them again. I keep doing that. That’s so stupid. I’m such an idiot!’ If your friend told you she’d lost her keys and you used that kind of language to her, she’d think it very odd.
With Allowing we’re kinder to ourselves. And we’re kinder and more accepting of others. Everyone has their own history that has shaped them to be as they are. We’re all doing our best to make a life and to get by. Yes, some people can annoy us. Some can seem harsh and unkind. But if we really understood what it’s like from their side – what it’s like to be them – maybe we’d be less critical. With Allowing, we ease back a bit on our own harsh and critical judgements – towards ourselves, others and the situations we find ourselves in.
So, in the case of your mum and your brother, you allow the experience, in that moment, to be what it is.
You don’t get angry with yourself for letting the situation get to you. You don’t get angry with the others around the table – that wouldn’t help. And instead of helplessly wishing things were different you’re able to accept that it is what it is. Like it or not, what is happening is happening.
The second part of AIM is Inquiry.
Inquiry involves taking a lively interest in each moment of experience. As you develop your capacity for Inquiry you find yourself occupying an increasingly interesting world. You begin to notice what’s happening inside you, your thoughts, feelings, body sensations and impulses – right now. And you get more interested in what’s happening outside you, in the world around you, right now. You get more interested in other people – what’s going on for them? And you get more interested in what’s happening between you and others – the constantly changing, endlessly fascinating dynamic of humans relating to each other.
With Inquiry, the rich and complex tapestry of this present moment lights up. You become more alive to each moment and begin to see more into the depth of things.
Coming back to the situation at that family gathering, instead of reacting you begin to inquire. You broaden your attention. Rather than being lost in what is happening out there – as if you’re immersed in a TV show, emotionally at the mercy of what happens next – you become interested in your experience. You begin to wonder what the others around the table might be experiencing. You notice things in the space around you that might be influencing what’s happening.
Questions form in your mind: ‘What am I feeling right here and now?’ ‘What do I see in the faces of my family?’ ‘What is the atmosphere in the room right now?’ ‘What am I seeing that can give me a clue about what this strange dynamic is all about?’
You’re open, engaged and interested. Alive to what’s happening. Caring, kind and curious.
And you have Meta-awareness, the third element of AIM.
You are simultaneously ‘in’ your experience, feeling and sensing what’s going on, and at the same time you’re able to notice some of the ways it’s unfolding for you.
You notice and can, to some extent, describe
