brought up in a family where every adversity was seen as an opportunity to prove courage and worth
– a comedian working in a pantomime.
So the culture in which we were brought up and the culture in which we live will shape the kind of response we make to any threat, hurt or frustration. In fact, our culture may influence whether we even notice the trigger. When I am teaching assertiveness training, for example, I find it is very common for some people not even to recognize when they are receiving a put-down, because it seems so ordinary (usually because that sort of remark was given in almost every other sentence throughout their childhood). Others, who come from much more genteel pastures, may have a tendency to overreact to the same remark, even when it is given in the spirit of a gentle tease.
EMOTIONAL STATE
When we are feeling happy and positive, how much easier it seems to be to absorb the odd knock or two than when we are feeling down and stressed. Perhaps you can recall walking through the rain or driving through a snowstorm during a period when you were passionately in love. You may not have noticed the puddles and quite possibly if a passing lorry driver splashed you with a shower of mud, you might have merely reacted with a shrug and friendly smile. But imagine the same walk or drive after a boring and depressing day at work – I doubt if the same lorry driver would recognize you and your reactions! Similarly, a waiter serving a cold cup of coffee at a station buffet when you are en route to an important interview might hear a different tone in your complaining voice than would a waiter serving you an even colder cup while you are relaxing in a Mediterranean cafe.
PHYSICAL HEALTH
I am writing this at a time of year when everyone around me seems to be in the grip of some minor viral infection – and irritability is therefore also in the air. The shopkeeper who chooses this week to short-change a man with a cold or a New Year hangover runs the risk of enraging him; a similar ‘mistake’ enacted upon the same man when he is at his peak of summer fitness may receive a quite different response.
Last week I was reading a research paper that concluded in very erudite terms that people who are experiencing chronic pain are much more likely to feel irritation and anger than those who are not. Perhaps there are some people who need this fact proving scientifically. I don’t, because I can still remember with horror and guilt many occasions when I snapped irritably or shouted at my innocent children when I was in the throes of PMT. I can also remember demanding clients getting very short shrift treatment from me during a period when I was suffering from chronic sinusitis. And I know that I will have a struggle to remember all my own advice on anger management if ever I become seriously ill or disabled. So physical health can also be a considerable factor in the anger equation.
INDIVIDUAL PERCEPTION
The variables of this factor are so numerous that perhaps they deserve a whole book to themselves. Here we will have to make do with one chapter devoted to looking at why some people tend to get more angry than others! For the moment, as an hors d’oeuvres to Chapter 5, imagine a room full of people from the same cultural background, all in good health and in a state of peaceful relaxation (perhaps a family or an office outing relaxing after Christmas lunch!) Picture something frustrating or irritating happening (perhaps a fuse blowing or the wine running out). Would you not expect a variety of reactions according to the range of personalities of the people in that room? Given the same trigger, under the same conditions, no doubt some will laugh the frustration off, others will express mild irritation and there may even be a few who stamp their feet with rage. Each person will have actually perceived a different anger trigger depending on the contents of both their conscious and subconscious minds, and each person will have reacted in a different way according to how they have individually learned to manage and demonstrate their feelings.
The Responses
Once the trigger has emerged from this complicated personal filtering process, a reaction can take place. This will take three different forms, physical, emotional and behavioural. Each one has a range of possibilities
You will note that:
– our physical reaction can range from being in a high state of arousal (so that our bodies are raring for energetic self-protective action) through to a catatonic state of deep-seated tension which immobilizes both body and mind
– our emotional reaction can range from violent outwardly focused rage through to an apparently emotionless depressive state caused by the denial or repression of the feeling of anger
– our behavioural reaction can range from murderous destructive attack through to the passive smile of the martyr who encourages further abuse and seems to lap up frustration and pain.
So our anger’s journey, from the moment it is stimulated through to the response we make, can indeed be very complicated. But it is certainly worth taking the trouble to become familiar, at the very least, with our own particular set of filters and responses because that, as I said earlier, is the first step towards having more control.
Out of control, you are at the mercy of your anger…you need a new kind of relationship with your emotions, one where you run them instead of them running you.
MARIA ARAPAKIS
CHAPTER 2 Anger and Our Bodies
One of the reasons why anger is so feared by many people is that it generates such immense physical power. Sometimes this power is so great that it can overrule both our hearts and our heads. Maybe we all harbour the fear that if we let this emotion get a physical hold on us, we could get out of control. It could perhaps be us one day standing in the court dock pleading:
‘I was so angry that I didn’t know what I was doing.’
‘I was in the grip of a furious temper and I couldn’t stop myself.’
‘I was blinded by rage.’
Let’s start by reminding ourselves of some of the benefits of anger’s physical qualities.
The Positive Function of Anger’s Physical Qualities
Yes, anger does have the potential for great physical power and this can be directed negatively both outwards and inwards. This is why we need to be fully aware of its role in relation to our bodies so that we have greater control of its physical effects.
The understandable concern we have in our society about violence and the association which, rightly or wrongly, people make between anger and this problem, means that it is often difficult for us to remember the two main positive functions of anger’s physical qualities:
1 Self-protection – our bodies are aroused into a state where they can function with maximum physical energy to aid our defence in response to potential hurt. This is commonly referred to as our natural ‘fight’ response.
2 Decompression – our bodies are given a chance to release pent-up physical tension caused by over-exposure to frustration. The safe physical ventilation of anger is an
