this up whilst they’d been over in the Canaries – it hadn’t really been the time or the place – and now they were back home, she still wasn’t sure the time was right, but then, she wasn’t sure the time would ever be right, not really. So the only thing she could think of to do was to bite the bullet and just talk to him, before it started to become an obsession that took over her life.
‘Amber? Sweetheart?’
She took a deep breath. ‘What do you think about…?’ She slowly lifted her head, her eyes meeting his again, and he couldn’t help but notice a touch of sadness in them, something which did nothing to ease that chill. ‘What do you think about… about us starting a family?’
He felt relief sweep over him, followed by confusion, which was swiftly replaced by the return of that chill. This was totally unexpected, and it had thrown him slightly. He narrowed his eyes as he looked at her. ‘Sorry, I… Starting a family…? Amber, I…’
‘A baby, Jim. I want a baby. I want our baby.’
‘Jesus, honey, where’s this come from?’ The day had hardly got off the ground and his head was already spinning. This had come completely out of the blue, something he’d never expected to hear from her. Not Amber. Not from a woman who’d shown no inclination to ever have a baby, none whatsoever. She’d only just come round to the idea of marriage, for heaven’s sake, and now she was talking babies?
‘I’m thirty-eight years old, Jim. In terms of motherhood I’m right at the business end of things now. I haven’t got much time left to waste.’
He walked over to her, aware that his somewhat surprised expression had caused that frown to appear, clouding her pretty features. ‘I just … We’ve never really talked about starting a family, have we? I wasn’t even aware it was something you were thinking about, I mean, you’ve never even hinted at it being…’
‘I’m talking about it now, Jim,’ Amber said quietly, allowing herself to fall against him as he took her in his arms. She loved it there, in his arms. She felt safe. She felt as though nothing could touch her when she was there. When he was holding her. She felt as if all the confusion she was suddenly feeling was something she could keep under control when, in reality, she didn’t think she could.
He kissed the top of her head, rubbing her back gently. She picked her times to start conversations like this, he’d give her that. He was due to leave for the training ground soon, and this wasn’t really the kind of conversation he wanted hanging over his head all day. It wasn’t really the kind of conversation he wanted, full stop, if he was completely honest. Not right now. The timing was way off. ‘What’s brought this on, Amber? Huh?’
She pulled away slightly, looking into his eyes, stroking his face with her fingertips. ‘I love you, so much, Jim. And I guess marrying you, finally being with you, the way I always wanted to be, I guess it’s suddenly made me want all those things I… all those things I thought I didn’t want. When all the time it was… it was just that I couldn’t have them with you. I didn’t want them if I couldn’t have you. And to have them with anyone else, it wouldn’t have felt right, none of it felt right. But it feels right now. Now I can’t stop thinking about all those things and… I can’t stop thinking about us, about how right that feels.’
Jim took her hand in his and squeezed it gently, leaning forward to kiss her. She tasted so good, her lips so soft against his, her mouth opening in response to him as he kissed her harder, pulling her against him.
He loved her like he’d never loved anyone before – to the point of obsession sometimes. But it was an obsession he could handle, because he knew how she felt about him. And for her to want this, for her to want a baby – his baby – it spoke volumes. And maybe he wanted that, too. Maybe he wanted that family, that security. Something to soften the blow when she found out the truth about him? About what he’d been hiding from her? From everyone? He didn’t want to think about that right now. Although the longer he kept putting it off, the worse the situation was going to become, he knew that. But she’d kind of put paid to any likelihood that he was going to tell her anything today. Now really wasn’t the time. ‘You want a baby? Really?’
She smiled at him, resting her forehead against his. ‘I know this sounds crazy, Jim. I know it sounds as though it’s come completely out of the blue, but… I haven’t been able to stop thinking about it. For weeks now it’s been on my mind and… and since coming off the Pill I…’
He shut her up with another kiss, a slower kiss, a longer kiss, because he needed time to think about this. He didn’t want to lose her, not now, not ever, not after everything it had taken to win her back. But was this really what he wanted? What he needed? Was it really the right way to be going? Under the circumstances? Circumstances she was completely unaware of. But it couldn’t stay that way. It wasn’t going to stay that way, that was out of his hands now. And he didn’t have long before it was all going to come out, regardless of whether he’d found the time to tell her or not. And it really would be better off coming from him.
‘Look, Amber, honey, you’ve just got this brand new job and … How’s it going to look if you suddenly need time off to…?’
She cut him off mid-sentence with one of her trademark withering looks, and Jim couldn’t help but smile. That’s what he loved about Amber. His beautiful wife, the woman who could cut you down with a stare or shut you up with one smart remark. ‘You’re really going down the sexist route, Jim? Hmm? Is that where you’re going?’
He was still smiling, he couldn’t help it as he backed away from her with his hands held up in mock surrender. ‘Amber, baby, I’m sorry. I’m sorry. But this is so crazy, sweetheart, you have to see that. The Amber I knew, she didn’t want to be a mom. She didn’t want any of that, and I’m just finding it strange…’
‘And you think I’m not? You… you think this is something I’m handling okay, do you? This fucking weird and sudden alien need inside me to…’ She looked at him, pushing both hands through her hair. ‘I don’t have a lot of time left, Jim. I don’t have time to sit and think about this, to weigh up every pro and con a million times over until I’m 100 per cent certain that this is what I really, truly want. I don’t have that luxury. I’ve got to make that decision soon – we’ve got to make that decision soon. Before it’s too late. Because…’ She stopped talking, looking away for a second.
He walked back over to her, tilting her chin up so she was looking straight at him. ‘Because, what?’
‘It doesn’t matter,’ she sighed, letting him pull her closer.
‘You really want this, huh? Me and you, making babies?’
‘Only you could make that sound like the most erotic thing in the world.’ She smiled, her breathing suddenly starting to speed up for some reason.
‘And, isn’t it?’ he whispered, his mouth almost touching hers now. ‘I mean, surely, the act of making babies is one of the most erotic things in the world.’
She felt her stomach flip over what felt like a thousand times as the warmth of his body engulfed hers, the heat between them palpable. ‘I don’t know,’ she said quietly, quite surprised that she could actually string a sentence together right now.
‘Do you want to see just how erotic it can be?’ He smiled, his mouth still not quite touching hers as he spoke, but almost. Maybe this was the right way to go. Yeah, he was definitely coming round to the idea. After all, giving Amber a baby might mean she was
