could’ve been nothing more than him calling my bluff. He knows I would never do that. I couldn’t be that woman, except, I am. I am that woman.
I close my eyes and sigh quietly. Has it helped? Offloading all my crap onto Liam’s shoulders? I don’t know. I don’t know if anything can help. I just know that I’ve started something I have every intention of finishing now. And if I have to do that alone, then that’s fine, I’m okay with that. It might even be better that way. But I need to know what my husband’s hiding. I need to know who my husband’s seeing; why he’s lying to me. I need to know what he’s doing when he isn’t with me. I need to know. And I’m going to find out.
‘Liam told me you bumped into each other today.’
‘We did.’ I hand Michael a glass of wine and sit down on the couch by the fireplace, curling my legs up underneath myself. ‘We went for lunch, at that new bistro not far from the Durham salon.’
I haven’t asked him where he went today, why he wasn’t where he said he would be. I haven’t asked him anything. I’m biding my time. Waiting until he trips himself up, gives something away, because he will. He thinks he can hide behind his charm, use that smile to disguise his deceit. I’m watching you, Michael. I’m watching you.
‘So, what did you talk about?’
I take a sip of wine. ‘Nothing in particular.’
‘Did you talk about us? About me and you?’
I frown slightly, because that’s a strange question. Would he be angry if he thought I was talking about us?
‘We talked about a lot of things. But, yeah, I mentioned us.’
It’s hard not to, when it’s all I can think about most days. Us. What we had. What I want back, at any cost.
‘Do you remember who we used to be, Michael?’
‘We’re still those people, Ellie.’
‘Are we?’ I don’t want him to answer that. He doesn’t need to. ‘Do you remember who we were?’
He looks at me, and there it is, that change of expression, the fear that I’m about to launch into that conversation he continually avoids, and I wait for the inevitable shut-down.
‘We loved each other.’
That throws me slightly. I wasn’t expecting an answer, I was expecting the usual barriers to come up. He used the past tense; we loved each other, that’s what he said. Loved. I still love him.
‘We were those people who loved life and lived it, every day, like it was the last one we were ever going to experience.’
My wonderful, idealistic husband. It can never be that way again, and I think, deep down, even he knows that.
‘What happened changed that. What happened changed everything.’
‘For a while, yes. It did …’
‘For a while?’ I put my drink down and sit up, my eyes fixed on his. He is going to listen to me now and he is going to understand the pain and the fear I still feel, every day. ‘I lost our baby, Michael. I miscarried our child, I … you think that changed everything for a while?’
He gets up and comes over to me, sits down beside me. He takes my hand and he brings it to his mouth, kissing it gently, and I’m so angry at myself for crying now. So fucking angry.
‘We can’t go on like this, Ellie. We can’t. It isn’t good for us. It isn’t good for you. I hate seeing you like this.’
‘Then let me talk, Michael. Please. Let me talk about it.’
He drops his gaze, but he keeps hold of my hand, his fingers tightening around mine. ‘Ellie, sweetheart, I just think – I think that dwelling on it, on what happened, it’s unhealthy. We can’t change anything, we can’t turn back the clock …’
‘I know. I know that, but – do you know how difficult it is for me? To keep all this shit bottled up inside because you don’t want to talk about it?’
‘We’ve talked about it so many times, Ellie. We’ve been over and over it, so many fucking times, and it needs to stop now. It needs to stop.’
‘And what? That’s it? Where does that leave me, Michael? Hmm? Where does that leave me? Should I be – I don’t know – grateful that you’re over it?’
‘That isn’t what I meant …’
‘I still need to talk, Michael. I still need to talk; do you understand that? Because I don’t think you do. Oh, you’ll give your students all the time they need, they can talk to you, but your own wife?’
‘Ellie, come on …’
‘They can talk to you, Michael.’
He slowly raises his gaze, his fingers gripping my hand tighter still.
‘What’s going on here, Ellie?’
I pull my hand away from his. I sit back, pull my knees to my chest, hugging them to me as I stare out ahead of me. I take a deep breath. I don’t want to go there again, I don’t want to keep remembering, but the memories are racing forward now. They’re too powerful to ignore.
‘When I woke up, in hospital – when I woke up, and you told me …’ I drop my head, bite down on my lip, I don’t want to cry any more. ‘When you told me we’d lost the baby, I felt so empty, Michael. So fucking empty. It felt like – like I’d died, too.’ I look up, turn to face him. ‘Like we’d died.’
‘Ellie …’
He reaches for my hand again and I let him take it. ‘We didn’t just lose a baby, did we? We lost us?’
He rests his palm against my cheek, his eyes looking deep into mine, and I feel a wave of love so strong for this man flood me. It knocks the breath right out of me.
‘No, my darling, we didn’t. We didn’t.’
I think we did.
‘It’s like you’ve forgotten our baby ever existed,’ I whispered, covering his hand with mine, our fingers sliding together. ‘And I can’t do that.’
He sighs quietly, squeezes my hand gently. ‘You were hurting so much, Ellie. I just didn’t want to hurt you any more.’
‘I felt so alone, Michael. A huge part of me had been ripped away, taken from me in a way that …’ I don’t finish that sentence. I can’t. Losing the baby was painful enough, but remembering the way it happened …
‘We had it all planned, remember? Names. The books we’d read to him or her. The school we wanted our
