know the safe answer would have been better, Claire. But it wouldn’t have been the truth. And we’ve always told each other the truth.” Ben’s blue eyes were frank. That was Ben. He didn’t ever pull his punches.
“If my answer upsets you, it must be because yours is different. Does this mean that you’d do it all again, the same way we did it, without any questions? Even if you knew everything you know now?”
“Ten minutes ago I would have said yes. Of course.” Claire noticed that her feet were cold. And her fingers were, too. She pulled up into a ball on the bed, tucking her toes under the hem of her cotton gown. She must have shivered, because Ben pulled her close.
She felt as if she should pull away, given their discussion. Her husband had just told her that he might not marry her again at nineteen if he had the wisdom of a thirty-five-year-old. But still, this was Ben. He had been part of her life forever, or at least since she was barely fourteen, younger than Trent. “How can you say no?” she asked through lips that were still numb.
He pulled her even closer, and Claire snuggled in to his body. She felt traitorous for seeking comfort from the very man who had upset her, but there could be no one else for her in any situation. “I didn’t. You asked if I’d do it again. And I told you the truth. I don’t know.” He rested his head back on the headboard.
“Why don’t you know?” Claire wasn’t so sure she wanted to find out, but she had to ask.
“Don’t you ever wonder?” His voice sounded almost harsh. “What if we’d waited? What if you’d finished college instead of marrying me and having Trent so quickly? Would we still be here, living in your parents’ old house, in the town we both grew up in? I know I would have kept playing college ball. Maybe even gone pro instead of coming back here to run Dad’s hardware store. Don’t you ever think that maybe we could have done better?”
Claire buried her face in his neck, feeling his arm around her, knowing she could never have done any better than this. How did she tell him that, and still answer his question honestly? They were talking about two different things.
She was asking if he loved her in the same way, if he would go through all the thrills and storms of marriage again, knowing now what no nineteen-year-old could know. He was answering with a practical thought about the rest of their life choices.
To Claire, it was apples and oranges. To Ben, it was more like Golden Delicious versus Granny Smith.
“Claire? Now I’ve got to ask. You still there? It never takes you this long to answer.” He sounded amused and worried at the same time.
“I’m here. And thinking. Maybe if you put it like that, I’d have to answer the same way. Sure, I wonder what things would have been like if we’d waited. But I can’t imagine life without Trent and Kyle.”
“I can. We could afford vacations, have shrimp for dinner instead of hamburger, and I’d drive a convertible—”
Even without looking Claire could tell that her husband was grinning as he spoke. It made her want to poke him in the rib cage.
“But I’d probably hate every minute of it.”
Relief washed over Claire like a wave. “You had me worried for a minute.”
“Sorry. I didn’t intend to.” He kissed her softly, first at the hairline and then on the lips, gently. “You know I don’t like worrying you. You worry too much as it is.”
“Who, me?” Claire batted her eyelashes at him, watching him smile.
“You’re the queen of worriers.” But the words were teasing and familiar, making Claire smile.
She didn’t feel cold anymore. But she was getting sleepy. “Want to turn out the light?”
Ben’s answer was to reach his free arm over to the nightstand and find the lamp. In a moment they were in the dark, with only the crickets and peepers for company.
Did those stupid frogs ever shut up? Ben lay awake in the dark, listening to them. Every spring Claire could hardly wait to open the windows in the bedroom while they slept. For him, it was four to six weeks of aggravation. When the pollen wasn’t killing him, the frogs were keeping him up. Still, Ben didn’t have the heart to ask her to sleep with the windows shut all year round. He got his way most of the time. What were a couple of nights of rocky sleep?
Besides, if he were truly honest with himself, it wasn’t the frogs that were keeping him up tonight. It was Claire’s question, and the look on her face when he answered. For a minute there, he thought she was going to lose it.
This was one of those times when a polite lie would have been better than the truth. But polite lies had never been what he and Claire told each other. Not for things that really counted.
Of course, there were his business worries. But the store was his problem. Definitely not something he needed to share with his wife. A good accountant, maybe. But the conversation they had just had was something different.
Running it through his mind, he was still confused. Even his more complex answer wasn’t what Claire had wanted. What was she really asking, anyway? It was harder to figure out his beautiful wife than to figure out some of his customers at the store—even the ones who came in with half a part missing from something, having no idea what they were looking for.
She had looked so beautiful today. He’d been struck in the church hall, watching her talk to Hank and Gloria, how little she’d changed in twenty years. If he closed his eyes a little he could imagine that the woman across the hall was wearing white satin and his freshly bought ring.
Now there was one of the things he’d do differently if he could. He would have bought Claire a diamond to go with that skinny little gold band. Not that there had been many times when he could have afforded a diamond. Certainly none in the first ten years they were married. And not really now, either.
But she deserved the diamond. That was the kind of thing he was talking about. And if they’d waited to get married, would he really be running the store now? Yeah, probably by now. Thirty-five was ancient in pro football. But surely he would have gotten his chance for a couple of years. Between college and running the store there might have been somebody willing to pay the big bucks.
Claire could have her diamond. There’d be college savings accounts for the boys. Maybe even a new house in one of those subdivisions outside town where the doctors and lawyers all lived, instead of her parents’ house, which was older than him or Claire. Who could say?
So many facets of life might be different if he hadn’t talked Claire into getting married when they were both still teenagers. And how many things would be different if he hadn’t been somebody’s daddy before his twenty-first birthday? Not that he had anybody to blame for that but himself. Trent had been as big a surprise to Claire as he had been to Ben. They both adored him, and Kyle, too. The boys were great. Still, Ben had to wonder what life would be like without kids, or at least without kids so early.
Claire slept peacefully beside him. He listened to her even breathing, felt the soft exhalations near his arm. She was so sweet, so lovely that it didn’t seem like twenty years could have passed since their first date in high school. Wasn’t she still a freshman?
Ben shook his head. No, afraid not. Their oldest son had just finished freshman year. And Ben himself was the guy responsible for
