being respectably married to a doctor or lawyer, aside from Molly Hanson in 1984, who ran off with a teacher after he got her pregnant in sixth form. Since then, the school hasn’t allowed male teachers under the age of forty unless they’re gay. They’re scared the girls will run off with them.’
‘They have a point. I definitely would have run off with Mr Branson if he’d asked. It’s only because he was so good-looking that I was motivated enough to get an A in Physics. So anyway, when did you lose your virginity after the big rejection?’ she asked, drawing out the last three words with dramatic pausing.
I flushed red. I didn’t want to lie to Emma because she was so open with me. But I couldn’t tell her I was a virgin … especially since she clearly didn’t know anyone who was still a virgin post-GCSEs. But how would we ever have a proper friendship if she didn’t know the one defining detail about me?
I quickly blurted out the truth before I lost my courage. ‘Well, it never actually happened for me,’ I admitted. Her face screwed up in confusion as her mind started to process what I said. She was judging me, and oh my God, I was freaking out. I rushed on, ‘Well, until a few months later when I got drunk and that was that.’
She grinned. ‘Ah, the classic drunken first time. Happens to us all.’
I plastered a bright smile on my face and hated myself for being too weak to stick to the truth. ‘Yup! Though I can’t say I’ve had many repeats of it, so I’ll have to live vicariously through you.’
‘Ugh, I know. There is a major male drought going on these days. But is there anyone in the English course you fancy? Charlie, maybe?’ she asked with a knowing smile.
I wrinkled my face up in disgust. ‘God, no! I could never keep up with his filthy sense of humour.’
‘Yeah, I know, right! It’s like … what is he trying to cover up with it? I reckon all those stories are just there to hide the fact that he has got a little secret of his own—a very, very little one.’
‘Are you trying to tell me he has a tiny dick? How would you know that?’ I asked her in shock.
She laughed and tapped the side of her nose. ‘I have my sources. Let’s just say I overheard Marie saying something to Fiona.’
‘Marie and Charlie? You have got to be kidding me,’ I gasped.
‘Marie and everyone, more like. The girl is a serious player—and that means something, coming from me.’
We ordered our fish and chips and carried on gossiping well into the sticky toffee puddings and our second mojitos. I felt a bit guilty for lying to the most open person I’d ever met, but I figured the second I slept with someone, the lies would be true, and she would never need to know about the half lie.
‘Anyway,’ Emma said as she spooned the last bit of caramel sauce off her plate and threw her spoon down in triumph, ‘we got so distracted that I forgot to be more supportive about your fight with your friend. What actually happened?’
I groaned. ‘It’s too depressing to relive.’
‘Do it.’
I took a deep breath. ‘OK, but remember … you asked for this.’
‘Disclaimer accepted. Spill.’
‘So, we went out on Monday night to Mahiki. I was craving a man and she’s already seeing someone, so we went out to try to find me a guy. A couple of disgusting old men bought us drinks and we took full advantage. Then we both saw the perfect guy, but of course blond attractive Angus preferred blonde attractive Lara, so they hooked up. Meanwhile, I got distracted by an ugly little emo boy and snogged him, even though he was the only person not wearing a designer outfit.’
‘Whoa—first, what are you trying to say about blonds, Miss Kolstakis? Second, I can’t believe you were in Mahiki and you managed to find an emo.’ She laughed. ‘I admire your skills.’
I raised my eyebrows at her. ‘A skill? I feel like it’s more like a curse.’
‘I don’t know … I’d much rather be with someone a bit different than another typical Oxfordite.’
I paused and briefly wondered if I would have enjoyed being with Angus. He had been pretty rude when I stood on his face. ‘I don’t know,’ I said. ‘I give up on men. Especially because I then got very drunk and agreed to let Angus stay with Lara in my tiny en-suite bedroom. And when I woke up I stood on his face, realised that they were both NAKED and then … and then I decided to shower it all away and slipped on what I thought was hair removal cream. But as I was lying flat on my back in the bath, crying out in pain, I realised that I had slipped on Angus’ come.’
Emma spat out her drink and burst out laughing. I grumbled at her to stop enjoying my humiliation so much, but after my attempts failed, I grudgingly joined her and we laughed until we were both close to tears.
‘That … is just … so funny,’ she said, gasping for breath. ‘How do these things happen to you? Even the situation where you accidentally told the whole of UCL English Literature class that you loved being bummed even though you never have been.’
‘I didn’t exactly tell them I loved it….’
‘Yeah, sorry, the rumours going round are a bit different.’
I froze. ‘Please tell me you’re joking.’
‘Oh, come on, it’s not that bad. I think even Charlie has a newfound respect for you. The boys all fancy you now.’
‘Am I meant to be flattered that they now only fancy me because they think I’m a dirty sex maniac?’
‘Excuse me,’ said Emma as she plonked her glass back onto the table. ‘Don’t knock anal sex until you’ve tried it.’ She paused, and then lowered her tone. ‘Except, it can have slightly disastrous consequences.’
I stared at her, picturing her and an unknown man covered in poo. ‘What?’ I asked in alarm.
‘That girl Alex I was telling you about? The first time she did it, they were at the guy’s house and his dad walked in. The guy was so terrified he pulled out immediately, just as she clenched in panic, and … her rectum dislodged and came out with it. The dad had to drive them to hospital.’
I gulped, mentally vowing never to have anal sex.
‘That’s … that’s awful,’ I whispered, trying to erase the very vivid image from my mind.
She nodded slowly. ‘If it hadn’t happened to her, I never would have believed it. It sounds like one of those urban myths, but, unfortunately for Alex, it was true. Some might call it karma,’ she added with a grin.
I let out a shocked laugh.
‘Anyway,’ she said, ‘I’m so glad we’re hanging out. You’re definitely the most normal person I’ve met in our course so far.’
‘Same here,’ I said, smiling at her warmly and realising how true it was. ‘Although, that’s really not saying much,’ I joked and she rolled her eyes at me. ‘Honestly, though, sometimes I feel kind of distant from the rest of them. They’re fun and everything, but I’m never sure how
