I just want to embrace my inner mainstream self. In fact,’ she said as she raised her glass in the air, ‘here’s to not being cool and not giving a fuck.’
We clinked our glasses together laughing and she called the waiter to bring us more cocktails. He was young and cute, and I shot him my most flirtatious smile but he didn’t seem to notice. Emma, meanwhile, was beyond subtle smiles and eye contact. She flirted openly with him, and wrote her number on the bill when we paid two hours later. When we left, she winked at him and he grinned back at her.
‘I can’t believe you did that, Emma. You’re so brave,’ I lisped as we left the pub.
She laughed. ‘He was so cute I had no choice. My inner lust for him was so overpowering that I just fell prey to my desires. Here’s hoping he calls….’
‘Will you care if he doesn’t?’
‘God, no! He’s a waiter in a bar. There are hundreds of those all over London. Who cares if one of them doesn’t fancy me back? He might have a girlfriend already, or be gay—except I do have a pretty good gaydar—or he might just not like blondes.’
‘You’re my new idol, Emma,’ I said as I tripped over a jagged paving stone.
‘Oh-kaaay, little lady, that’s good to know. But I reckon we should get you home before you throw up all over your new idol.’
‘I’m not that drunk,’ I said, as she bundled me into a cab and told the cab driver an address that wasn’t mine. I laid my head on her furry leopard-print coat and closed my eyes.
I WOKE UP with a headache and saw flashing lights in front of me. I blinked a few times and realised they were fairy lights. Different-coloured ones encased in paper stars, carefully positioned to illuminate a life-sized poster of Rihanna. I looked down and saw that I was stripped down to my underwear and my half-naked body was barely covered by a zebra-print duvet cover.
‘Emma?’ I called out, my voice creaking as though it hadn’t been used in days.
The door creaked open and she rolled in, wearing a hot-pink dressing gown, carrying two floral mugs. ‘Hiya! I brought tea.’
Gratefully I took a mug from her and eased myself up onto my elbows, wincing as a sharp pain shot across my head. ‘Thanks so much for letting me stay here yesterday.’
‘No worries. There was no way I was letting you go home alone in that state. Anyway, I don’t know if you can stomach it but there’s kind of a party happening tonight that you should totally come to.’
‘You’ve got to be kidding. I feel like I’m dying.’
‘It’s the Easter holidays! We have no lectures, and as you told me about a million times last night, you officially have nothing to do back in Guildford. So I can’t think of a single reason why you shouldn’t come.’
I groaned. ‘Emma, I’m an emotional wreck. My best friend doesn’t want to know me any more, I spend my free time eating ice cream alone, and when I do persuade someone to hang out with me, I don’t shut up about all of the above. Why do you want me to come to this party with you?’
‘Stop self-pitying, Ellie Kolstakis,’ she said in a mockmum voice, before putting her cup down and looking me in the eyes. ‘When you’re not moaning about how crappy your life is, you’re hilarious and loads of fun. So I think you should have a shower, then come sit on the sofa with me and watch that new series everyone is obsessed with, and then we can get glammed up and hit the party. How does that sound?’
‘It definitely sounds more appealing than going back to mine and packing up all my stuff to take home.’
‘Exactly. And then I promise you can go home to your family tomorrow and I’ll leave you alone. For now, though, take these.’ She threw me a towel and some tracksuit bottoms. ‘Get showered up. I can’t wait to put you in one of my outfits tonight. You’re going to look so hot.’
I raised my eyebrows at her and walked out of her room, trying to cover my underwear-clad body with her towel. She called out after me, ‘It’s the door on the right. My housemates have all gone back home for Easter, so don’t worry about anyone walking in on you showering. Feel free to enjoy that shower head however you want, babe! ‘
I ignored her tip and had a very uneventful shower. We spent the entire day watching a new series about terrorists and the CIA whilst eating carrot sticks and hummus. After seeing Emma’s fridge, which looked like an aisle from Whole Foods, I now understood why she was still a size six and I wasn’t. The other day’s fish and chips had clearly been her day off weight-watching.
When the evening came round, Emma led me up to her room and forced me into trying on dresses that wouldn’t go up past my bum.
‘Emma, this is getting embarrassing now. I’m a 36D with a sometimes-size-twelve bum, and I’m not going to fit into your clothes. Please can we give up?’
‘You’re only a couple of sizes bigger than me. We can definitely find you something. Ugh, I’m so jealous of your bum. I wish I had one. Mine is just flat.’
‘Stop trying to make me feel better, Emma.’
‘No, I’m serious! Beyoncé is my hero and I dream of having curves like her. In fact, let me prove it to you,’ she said, suddenly starting to rummage through her drawers. After a few minutes she triumphantly pulled out a pair of large knickers. ‘There!’
‘Are those Spanx? Those suck in your fat, Em.’
‘Nooo! Look, they’re padded pants! They have all this padding at the back to give you a structured bum,’ she said, waggling her tiny posterior at me.
I burst out laughing as she pulled the pants on over her black thong and began dancing like her bum idol in the new music video everyone was talking about.
‘OK, point proven. I will squeeze myself into one of your insanely glam dresses if you go out wearing those pants.’
‘Ellie, I already wear these as many times as I can before I have to do a whites wash. Oh my God, I’ve had a brainwave. I think I have a very, very cool chiffony dress lying around somewhere. It wouldn’t only fit you—it would look amazing!’
After a fifteen-minute search, which uncovered numerous sparkly ones instead, Emma found the dress she meant and I put it on.
I looked critically at myself in her full-length mirror. I was expecting it to hang shapelessly from my boobs, which were hooked up in my most industrial, thick-strapped bra. Instead, it gave me a feminine shape. It was black chiffon, sleeveless and even made my legs look shapely. It was covered in a dark blue peacock print and Emma had persuaded me to wear it with her black, five-inch-heeled ankle boots. She had even cajoled me into putting on a pair of long silver earrings, to which I had agreed only as a compromise after refusing to wear two huge peacock feathers dangling from my ears. My long brown hair still looked a bit out of control and there was nothing that could be done about my prominent, straight nose, but the dress did detract attention from the centre of my face.
‘You look amazing, Ellie,’ remarked Emma as she surveyed my body.
‘I
