of an affair can lead to positive outcomes in the relationship. There may be a willingness to work through problems or improve communication or the quality of the partnership. It is an opportunity to rewrite the rules of your marriage and to become aware of unconscious behaviors that threaten to put anything before your relationship. One of you went outside the safe space of your “couple bubble” to get your needs met. This is crucial information to help make your conscious marriage stronger.
Typically, the man who has an affair will realize that the wife he left is better suited to his needs and caretaking than the woman he left her for. Unfortunately, many women are schooled to reject a repentant cheater because he’ll likely do it again. Serial monogamy—falling in lust, becoming attached and committed, only to eventually fall for another partner all over again—is our way of trying to grapple with two competing masters, biology and society.
Rewriting the Rules
Some couples opt for honesty over fidelity. They accept that their partners are occasionally going to be interested in other lovers and don’t want to forfeit the entire relationship. I have a few trailblazing patients who are consensually nonmonogamous. That is, they both know what’s going on with the other. Some are swingers, others are in open marriages, and a few call themselves polyamorous. The bottom line with all three is consciousness, and dare I say conscientiousness. Rules are clearly conveyed and adherence is monitored and discussed. Everything is out in the open, which allows both partners to go through the process as one. Their trust is based on truth.
Sometimes people have sex outside their primary relationship for reasons not involving their partner’s or the relationship’s inadequacy. For example, what if one member of the dyad is bisexual? In Esther Perel’s book Mating in Captivity, she describes “couples who negotiate sexual boundaries” as “no less committed than those who keep the gates closed. It is their desire to make the relationship stronger that leads them to explore other models of long-term love.”
It’s normal and natural for both sexes to have a wandering eye and a thirst for novelty in the form of new partners. To pretend otherwise is delusional. How we respond to those desires is up to us. We should at least begin with open communication about our wants and needs with our partner. Candid talk may reveal some surprises; for instance, some men are aroused by the thought of their wives with other men. Talk about your fantasies and share your experiences out in the world when you get home. Hiding and lying will bring only shame, stress, and their eventual discovery. Don’t wait until things have progressed before you reveal the details to your partner. Maintaining a secure attachment will assist both of you in navigating these waters together, helping to make your relationship watertight.
Making Love Last: The Temptation of Monogamy
Many committed partnerships feel the fizzle at about three to four years, a common spike in when divorces occur. Anthropologists reckon that this is biological more than anything else. Attachment, trust, security—all of these vasopressin- and oxytocin-powered devices evolved so partners would stay together at least long enough to raise a child. Pairs mate and rear an infant through toddlerhood, and when the heavy lifting of parenting has passed, there is a biological drive to move on and partner with another, always searching for the best genetic material for their lineage. Hence, serial monogamy, sequential committed relationships.
Because we’re living longer, couples are spending many more years together than was the case in generations past. So the question is, how do you keep love alive and make it last over these many bumps in the road? Have fun, have sex, and give each other space. Fun, in this case, needs to be about novelty and adrenaline. Novel experiences increase dopamine levels as the brain turns on the gas to pay attention and enjoy. Dopamine can trigger testosterone release, so new activities that require focused attention can help create desire. Dopamine injected into the male rat’s bloodstream stimulates copulating behavior, and horny rats that copulate frequently have higher circulating dopamine levels. If you can find a way to inject a sense of danger into your activities, go for it. Norepinephrine, the brain’s version of adrenaline, can also stimulate the production and release of testosterone, which will rev sexual desire. So anything that’s moderately stressful, threatening, transgressive, or mildly painful can potentially be sexually arousing as well. In sex research, this is known as excitation transfer. You may simply know it as “kinky.”
Having sex can trigger the hormones you need to make you horny. I often encourage my patients who report low desire to just go ahead and start the process of sex. Once you get going, some of the desirable brain changes will start to kick in, and before you know it, you’ll actually be enjoying yourself. “Use it or lose it” definitely applies to sex. Having orgasms regularly keeps all your sex hormones in play; the more sex you’re having, the more sex you’ll have. Regular exposure to male pheromones keeps hormone levels healthier, so keep smelling your man. Also, the chemistry that results from orgasm triggers closeness and bonding and possibly even monogamy, all of which might lead to more sex. But this is where it gets complicated.
The warm waters of attachment have been known to douse the fires of lust. Oxytocin can interfere with dopamine and norepinephrine, lessening their impact. And we all know about familiarity breeding contempt. Am I right, married ladies? For many of us, and certainly for laboratory animals, proximity dampens desire. The sex researchers who run primate labs say they have to give the females new males every three years or so. (Jealous?)
We have a natural drive toward novelty in our sexual partners. Biologically speaking, as mammals, “almost all individuals of all species on record have a sexual aversion to closely familiar others; they prefer to mate with strangers.” So, however you can, keep it strange. Be mysterious, unavailable; surprise him with what he still doesn’t know about you. And make sure you create and maintain a “space between” in your relationship. Do things separately, have your own friends and interests, so you’ll have something to talk about when you do spend time together. And when you can, do novel, fun things together. Travel to new territory, try new activities, and incorporate a competitive spirit when it’s appropriate. Competition reliably raises testosterone levels, as does intense cardio exercise. So have fun out there. It may lead to great sex, which can help solidify the bonds of great love.
Remember that you’re on the same team. Let go of the need to be right, and banish judging, controlling, blaming, shaming, and criticizing. Negativity is invisible abuse that is toxic to the relationship. It ruptures your connection to each other. So avoid these behaviors and you’re more than halfway to your dream partnership. Also, heed your own sage advice to others. It’s usually projection, and the person most in need of following your wisdom is you. We tend to give others the things we ourselves actually need. We lead by example. In writing, it’s “show, don’t tell,” but in relationships, it’s the opposite. Better to specifically verbalize what your needs are than to demonstrate what you need by giving your partner what they’re not even asking for. Understand?
Also, only one of you gets to be a baby at a time. Two passive, irresponsible people cannot run a household or raise children. If you insist on being two children, neither of your needs will be met. You can decide between you, and it can be fluid, but one of you needs to be an adult in any given situation. If you’re emotionally incapacitated, triggered by something in your history that is adding an extra charge, tell your partner so he (or she) can take the reins.
When you do talk, keep a few
