babies. Whether they are a boy or girl is not a concern to them, and needn’t be to us, either. Babies love to be cuddled, to play, to be tickled and to giggle; to explore and to be swooshed around. Their personalities vary a lot. Some are easy to handle, quiet and relaxed, and sleep long hours. Others are noisy and wakeful, always wanting some action. Some are anxious and fretful, needing lots of reassurance that we are there and that we love them.
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What all babies and toddlers need most is to form a special bond with at least one person. Usually this person is their mother. Partly because she is the one who is most willing and motivated, partly because she provides the milk, and partly because she tends to be cuddly, restful and soothing in her approach, a mother is usually the best equipped to provide what a baby needs. Her own hormones (especially prolactin, which is released into her bloodstream as she breastfeeds) prime her to want to be with her child and to give it her full attention.1
Except for breastfeeding, dads can provide all a baby needs. But dads tend to do it differently: studies show them to be more vigorous in their playing2 – they like to stir children up, while mothers like to calm them down (although if fathers get as deprived of sleep as mothers sometimes do, they too will want to calm baby down!).
Learning to Love
If a mother is the main caregiver, a boy will see her as his first model for intimacy and love. If she builds this close bond, then from toddlerhood on – if she sets limits with her son firmly but without hitting or shaming him – he will take this in his stride. He will want to please her, and will be easier to manage because the attachment is so strong. He knows he has a special place in her heart. Being made to wait or to change his behaviour might baffle him, but he will get over it. He knows he’s loved, and he will not want to displease the person at the centre of his existence.
Mum’s interest and fun in teaching and talking to him helps his brain to develop more verbal skills and makes him more sociable. Boys need more help than girls to catch on to social skills (more on this later).
If a mother is terribly depressed, and therefore unresponsive in the first year or two of her son’s life, his brain may undergo physical changes and become a ‘sad brain’.3 If she is constantly angry, hitting or hurting him, he will be confused over whether she loves him. (Please note, this is constant anger we are talking about, not occasional rattiness that all parents feel and show. We aren’t supposed to be angels as parents – if we are, how would our children learn about the real world?)
Those of us who are around young mothers have to be careful to support and help them, to ensure they are not left isolated or overwhelmed with physical tasks. A mother needs others to augment her life so she can relax and do this important work. If we care for young mothers, they can care for their babies. Husbands and partners are the first rank of help, but family and neighbours are also needed.
What Goes On Between Mother and Baby Boy?
Science has trouble measuring something like love, but it’s getting better. Scientists studying mothers and babies have observed what they call ‘joint attention sequences’. This is love in action, love you can see. You will have certainly experienced this with your own child. The baby seeks out your attention with a gurgle or cry. You look towards him and see that he is looking at you. He is thrilled to make eye contact, and wiggles with delight. You talk back to him. Or maybe you are holding him or changing him, and you feel that closeness as you sing to or tickle him. He impacts on you, and you on him. The exchange goes on, a ‘pre-words’ conversation – it’s delightful and warm. Researchers filmed mothers and babies going about their day, and discovered that joint attention sequences happen between 50 and 100 times a day.4 This is where the ability to relate to others skilfully and sensitively is first learnt.
Another kind of joint attention sequence is when a child is distressed and you croon, stroke or hold him gently, and distract him – you care for him based on your growing experience of what works to help him calm down. Or you engage with him just to enjoy seeing him become happy or excited. Soon your ‘joint attention’ might be directed at a toy, a flower, an animal or a noise-making object that you enthuse about together. You are teaching him to be interested in his world.
This is one of the most significant things a parent ever does for their baby. Inside baby’s little head, his brain is sprouting like broccoli in the springtime. When a baby is happy, growth hormone flows through his body and right into his brain, and development blossoms. When he is stressed, the stress hormone – cortisol – slows down growth, especially brain growth. So interaction, laughter and love are like food for a baby’s brain. All this interaction is being remembered in these new brain areas: the baby is learning how to read faces and moods, be sensitive, and learn calmness, fun, stern admonition or warm love. Soon he will be adding language, music, movement, rhythm and, above all, the capacity for feeling good and being empathic with other people. Boy babies are just a little slower, a little less wired for sociability than girls, and so they especially need this help. And they need it from someone who knows them very well, who has the time and who is themselves reasonably happy and content.
The process keeps going right into little-boyhood. A mother shows delight when her child makes mud pies, and admires his achievements. His father tickles him and play-wrestles with him, and is also gentle and nurturing, reading stories and comforting him when he is sick. The little boy learns that men are kind as well as exciting, that dads read books and are capable in the home; and that mothers are kind but also practical, and part of the bigger world.
In Short
To sum up, the first lessons boys need to learn are in closeness – shown through trust, warmth, fun and kindness. Under six years of age, gender isn’t a big deal, and it shouldn’t be made so. Mothers are usually the primary parent, but a father can also take this place. What matters is that one or two key people love the child and make him central for these few years. That way, he develops inner security for life, and his brain acquires the skills of intimate communication and a love of life and the world. These years are soon over. Enjoy your little boy while you can!
From Six to Fourteen: Learning to Be Male
At around six years of age, a big change takes place in boys. There seems to be a ‘switching on’ of boys’ masculinity at this age. Even boys who have not watched any television suddenly want to play with swords, wear Superman capes, fight and wrestle and make lots of noise.5 Something else happens that is really important: it’s been observed in all societies around the world. At around six years of age, little boys seem to ‘lock on’ to their dad, or stepdad, or whichever male is around, and want to be with him, learn from him and copy him. They want to study how to be male.
If a dad ignores his son at this time, the boy will often launch an all-out campaign to get his attention. Once I consulted in the case of a little boy who repeatedly became seriously ill for no apparent reason. He was placed in intensive care. His father, a leading medical specialist, flew back from a conference overseas to be with him, and the boy got better. The father went away to another conference, and the illness came back. That’s when they called in the psychologists. We asked the father to reconfigure his lifestyle, which involved being on the road for eight months a year. He did this, and the boy has not been ill since.
Boys
