d) Did I feel bad because I had done something ethically wrong (e.g. I wish I hadn’t done that) or did I feel bad that others would judge me as stupid/inept/inadequate/too ugly, etc. (e.g. I’m such an idiot).
e) Did I do something to repair my wrongdoing or did I do nothing?
Using a scale of 1–10 (10 being the highest amount for either feeling), score yourself separately on the amount of guilt and/or shame that this aspect of your response indicates you were feeling.
Example 1
Wrongdoing: I was unnecessarily cruel to say what I said in that meeting – he was only a trainee. I was so shocked by my behaviour that I was speechless.
a) a) I only wanted to hide away. I didn’t consider acknowledging my guilt to others.
Shame 10/10 Guilt 0/10
b) Morally, I was totally in the wrong. The trainee was trying and I was unnecessarily aggressive about his naïve suggestion.
Shame 0/10 Guilt 10/10
c) My focus was largely on myself – I hardly thought of what he must be feeling.
Shame 8/10 Guilt 2/10
d) I knew what I had done was very wrong, but I was more worried about how others would judge me.
Shame 9/10 Guilt 5/10
e) I didn’t even apologise.
Shame 10/10 Guilt 10/10
Example 2
Wrongdoing: I lied to Mum in my message. I told her I had to work all weekend. I just couldn’t face driving all the way there – she’s such hard work these days. But I did worry about her and rang her on Sunday for a chat.
a) a) I told Jim what I had done but wouldn’t have told anyone else.
Shame 7/10 Guilt 2/10
b) Jim said stop worrying, it was only a white lie. But I do think lying is wrong and I could have just told her that I was exhausted. Not going to see her every weekend is not that selfish – I do go often.
Shame 5/10 Guilt 3/10
c) My focus was largely on Mum.
Shame 0/10 Guilt 7/10
d) I was largely concerned about whether what I had done was right or wrong in relation to my own values. I was also slightly concerned about what Mum would think of me.
Shame 1/10 Guilt 9/10
e) I did make good enough amends.
Shame 0/10 Guilt 9/10
Repeat this exercise two to three times for other occasions when you felt guilty and/or ashamed.
As you continue reading this book, repeat this exercise and think of other occasions when you felt guilty and/or ashamed. It might help to have some photocopies of the exercise ready to fill out. By the time you have finished the book, you should have become an expert on the differences between these two emotional states.
What does guilt feel and look like?
Most of us think we know the answer to this question. We will readily describe what we feel inside our bodies and how it makes us behave. But your personal experience may be different from what others feel. People notice and describe the ‘signs’ of guilt in different ways. They may also behave differently. To confuse us even more, many of the signs of guilt can be due to other causes. So we may have to rule these out first before we can be confident that they can be attributed to guilt. But the lists that I am going to give you below are a good clue as to whether or not guilt could be at the root of a problem.
Here are some of the ways different people have tried to describe their personal experiences of guilt:
How different people experience guilt
IN THE BODY
There’s a permanent knot in my stomach.
It’s like pain and sorrow mixed with each other.
I feel like I want to cry but can’t.
I go quiet – it’s as though my throat has tensed up and I can’t speak.
It’s like a bunch of moths eating at my insides.
I often feel like I am going to be sick.
I want to hit my head … and I often do!
I find myself hitting my leg as soon as I remember it.
I want to curl up in a ball and my body starts to do that.
I feel scared and go all jittery.
I have this tension in my head – and I just can’t get my body to relax.
I want to hide – my head bows and my eyes close.
I feel like I am carrying bags of lead weights.
My head feels like it weighs a ton.
There’s like a weight on my heart.
It’s like I can’t stop sighing.
It’s weird … sometimes I just feel dirty and that I need to wash and wash … Perhaps I’m going mad, like Lady Macbeth!
IN THE MIND
It makes me think that I should not have done what I did because everyone else thinks it is bad.
I feel like my mind is going to explode.
I go over the situation again and again in my head.
I think people may be talking about me – thinking I am bad or am doing something wrong.
Thinking again and again of what my father would say if he could see me now.
I always think I am making a mistake.
I keep having flashbacks to when it happened.
I am constantly thinking that I should have done it differently, even though others are pleased …
Telling myself if only I had worked just that bit harder I could have …
It’s like I keep thinking that I will be ‘found out’.
I keep imagining what could have happened if I hadn’t been lucky.
Sometimes I feel guilty about being alive
