functioning and we must able to:
a) understand the difference between the concepts of right and wrong;
b) learn and remember that there are standards that others may expect us to meet or that we ourselves may want to meet;
c) be self-aware enough to notice the sensations that we experience when guilt has been triggered.
• Guilt has evolved along with other self-conscious emotions to strengthen groups by encouraging loyalty and self-discipline.
• Guilt and shame are different. Guilt is a feeling we have when we think we have done something wrong. Shame is what we feel when we think we are a bad person because we have done something wrong.
• We may each feel guilt in different ways, even though some of the signs of guilt may be shared.
• Some of us are more predisposed to get caught in a guilt trap than others.
We often hear guilt described in oppositional terms such as ‘healthy’/’unhealthy’ or ‘rational’/’irrational’. I confess to having talked about it in these terms many times myself, and I still do occasionally. But the reality is that people who have difficulty in managing guilt are usually experiencing a messy muddle of a number of types of guilt, including both oppositional kinds. And to make matters worse, people’s inner cauldron of guilt is forever changing.
As we can’t see or touch feelings, naming and describing the problem we have with them is very helpful. It makes the issue more real and is an important first step towards dealing with it. Furthermore, if we see it in black and white outside our head, our thinking brain becomes top dog, rather than our emotional brain. We can then often see clues as to what we may need to do to manage the problem better. This is not just true for us as individuals; it also applies to groups, organisations and societies, too.
So I have compiled a list of the ten most common types of guilt that I have encountered. I will describe each kind and give you some examples. This should help you to identify the types of guilt that trouble you, and understand the kinds that other people you know may experience.
Please remember that my ten types do not constitute an exhaustive list. If you don’t feel your guilt fits under any of these categories, try creating one or more new labels and write a short description for each. I am confident that you will be able to apply the advice and strategies in this book with minimal adaptation.
Positive guilt
As we noted in the last chapter, guilt evolved in humans as a helping mechanism. For those of us whose experience with guilt has been quite negative, it is important to remember that it can still be very good for us, and also for the world we live in.
When guilt is felt appropriately, and the wrongdoer feels the motivational urge to make recompense and then takes constructive action, it has the power to be positive. Let’s look at a couple of examples:
a) 1. Ian had a journey from hell coming back from work. When he arrived home, his six-year-old son jumped on him to greet him. Ian irritably brushed him aside. On seeing the tears well up in his son’s eyes, he felt a surge of guilt. He immediately took his son in his arms and said he was sorry. He then asked if he could make up for his bad temper by having a kick-around with him with his new football. His son was delighted!
2. Janine was newly appointed as a manager in a store. Her brief was to improve the turnover. This was her first management post and she had been told by her boss that she would now have to ‘toughen up’ her style of relating to her team, many of whom had become her friends.
For the first six months she tried and failed. Turnover didn’t improve and she became alienated from her colleagues. She knew that she was doing something wrong, but she didn’t know what. Her staff were obviously demotivated and Janine felt guilty and concerned. She decided to try a weekend course in interpersonal skills that she had seen advertised in her store’s newsletter.
The course was enlightening and helped her to see that her style of management had been aggressive and was having a demotivating effect on her staff. She was recommended an eight-week evening assertiveness training course and decided to do it.
At work the next day, she called a meeting of her staff and told them what she had done and intended to do. She apologised and asked for their help in giving her honest feedback while she was trying out a better style of interacting with them. The end result was that morale improved enormously, and so did the turnover.
Hard though it may be to accept, remember that guilt is sometimes a friendly internal voice reminding you that you’re messing up.
MARGE KENNEDY, NOVELIST AND PLAYWRIGHT
Ian and Janine’s examples show that positive guilt can be beneficial not just to us, but also to others. It can also be used for the prevention of wrongdoing. This is particularly so if it is used in conjunction with empathy. Here’s a simple example of good parents using it well:
Twelve-year-old Joe is kicking up a fuss about having to go to his grandmother’s birthday tea. Instead, he wants to spend the afternoon with his friend. His mum tells him his gran will feel very hurt and disappointed if he doesn’t go. She adds, ‘I know how much you love your gran, so wouldn’t you feel guilty if you hurt her feelings?’
Of course, some might argue that Joe’s mum may be using guilt in a manipulative, controlling way here. But let’s assume that she isn’t, and that she is simply using it to help her son become more empathic and kind.
There are many other different examples of anticipated guilt being used positively as a preventative aid. Instilling a sense of loyalty is a powerful way of getting people to conform of their own free will. It motivates people to keep ‘in line’ and avoid the guilt they would feel if they let the side down. Additionally, it doesn’t provoke the resentment that formal authoritarian power can induce.
Leaders of all kinds use the ‘threat’ of guilt to build loyalty within their staff or team members.
• CEOs will create values-based mission statements and urge their employees to live up to them.
• Sports coaches will motivate their teams by reminding them ‘not to let the side down’.
• Soldiers are regularly told that being part of a battalion is an honour, and to ‘stand by your mates whatever’.
• Actors are fed the message that for the sake of the audience and the other actors ‘the show must go on’, however tired or hungover an individual may be.
• Card manufacturers and social networks encourage us to keep our personal support systems alive by sending caring messages saying ‘Thank you’, ‘Get well’, ‘Good luck’ and ‘Congratulations’.
Anticipated guilt is also used more directly to encourage helpful behaviour. For example:
• donor cards sitting by shop tills and medical reception
