must also be shown by guiding and educating your children so that they can function happily in their environment. It must never be confused with putting your hand in your pocket.
There are two ways of showing love – one is the cuddly love of hugs and kisses and the other is the equally important one of teaching your child how to behave.
Little Things Mean a Lot
Apart from the usual ways in which we can show our love for our children, they also appreciate little kind, thoughtful gestures, just as we like our partners to do for us. For instance, if they have a test at school, let them know you are thinking of them by sending a good-luck text with an encouraging message, ‘Thinking of you. Go show ’em. You can do it. Luv u, Mum.’ If you know that they’re a bit low because they didn’t make the football team or get the part in the school play they wanted, surprise them with their favourite treat to help cheer them up. Or once they’ve left for school you discover they have left an important piece of school-work at home, make the effort to take it to the school. Don’t just think, ‘Oh they’re always forgetting things, this’ll teach them,’ or turn up at the school and give your child a lecture on getting organized before you hand the work over. Be loving, be kind. They will learn to be more organized. When you see the look of relief on their faces, simply say with a smile, ‘It’s a good job I love you so much.’
Sometimes you could just give your children a big hug and tell them you just couldn’t resist doing it because they are so gorgeous. Wouldn’t we all love it if our partners (still/ever) did that? But perhaps if we did it to them, they might!
The very word discipline disappeared almost completely from parenting for many years because we all grew to associate discipline with harsh punishment. What it really means, though, is teaching our children how to behave so they can eventually control their own behaviour. In fact the word discipline is derived from the Latin word disciplina, meaning instruction, and not, as you may have thought, “A darn good spanking.”
Don’t worry that they will love you any less because you have to be occasionally firm with them; they will in fact love you all the more when they realize they have grown into socially acceptable, functional adults.
How We Start to Impose Discipline on Our Children
Impose Boundaries
Boundaries are the sets of rules we set for our children’s behaviour; a sort of framework of moral conduct within which they must learn to live. As long as children know exactly where these limits are they will be happy and content to operate within them. Naturally, most children will try and stretch them occasionally to see exactly what they can get away with, but this is absolutely normal and they are quite expecting and relieved to be told when they have crossed the line. Let’s face it, we all try and push our luck sometimes.
Boundaries teach children what is acceptable behaviour and in doing so they develop the self-control and self-discipline necessary to remain within them. Even children from as young as one will begin to respond to simple boundaries, as in the word ‘No’, when it is said in a firm voice distinguishable from your normal voice.
Inevitably, as children grow up, new boundaries will be introduced, but as long as they know what they are, they will flourish and develop within them and be reassured by them.
However, children who are not set boundaries often feel unloved and uncared for and are constantly floundering, looking for some sort of guidelines. This often manifests in the form of unacceptable behaviour, as if in a desperate plea for some sort of help and structure. Without boundaries children fail to develop self-control, and without this they will find it difficult to function properly within a normal society and can end up unhappy, lonely and dysfunctional adults.
Change your voice and body language
From as young as a year old, your child can begin to learn the meaning of the word ‘No’. Adopt a low, firm tone and deliver a short sharp ‘No’, so that they can recognize disapproval immediately and do not smile. There’s no point saying ‘No’ in exactly the same sweet tone that you would say ‘Hello darling’ with a beaming smile on your face. Equally, don’t say ‘No’ in a firm voice and then immediately give your child hugs and cuddles as it is mixing messages. Even young children will come to recognize when parents are in ‘no mood for messing with’ by their voice and body language.
If, for instance, your daughter is at the stage of moving around holding on to the furniture and she grabs an ornament you would rather she did not touch, you simply say, ‘No’ in a firm voice, remove the ornament from her and move her to a different part of the room. Give your daughter a toy or something else to distract her that she can look at and examine. Many children will immediately return to the ornament and look for your reaction. Make sure it is the same. As soon as your child starts showing an interest in something they can play with, praise them and make a fuss of them. At this age they very soon learn when Mummy approves or disapproves. Suddenly your daughter has learnt her first boundary. She knows that she cannot touch the ornament.
Remember, orders are not negotiable
We have all witnessed a poor mother who asks her child to do something and is either ignored or rebuffed or argued with. Out of frustration the parent either shouts at the child to no avail or does the task herself.
‘Please go and fetch the blue sweater off my bed,’ is a command.
