to minimize the danger.
Here’s the safety you should have as a right, but don’t:
• No fires, burglars, or dangerous intruders after you turn off the lights and lock the door (and set the alarm and motion-sensor lights and land mines)
• Safety from vengeful crazy people once the authorities are on the case
• Freedom from any/all car accidents as long as you drive carefully, change your oil, and obey the speed limit exactly
• Prompt assistance from friendly and professional cops if you’ve done nothing wrong and talk politely
Among the wishes people express are:
• To figure out why they can’t make themselves safe without fleeing or otherwise putting their life at risk
• To get through to authorities who are either failing to protect them or siding with the person who is threatening them
• To figure out what they did wrong to let themselves be harmed
• To figure out how to get closure after an event that leaves them feeling violated and terrified
Here are three examples:
My husband’s ex is mentally ill and really can’t help herself, but ever since she had a breakdown after going off her meds a few months ago she’s been determined to kill him because voices in her head tell her he’s possessed by devils. The last time she was hospitalized, she was trying to burn down our house when I woke up and smelled smoke. No real damage, but now she’s about to get discharged, and she always stops her meds as soon as no one is watching. Right now she sounds perfectly sane, so the police tell me there’s nothing they can do. I know she’ll be crazy again within six months and no restraining order will stop her then. I have no intention of giving up my job or moving out of our home. My goal is to get someone to stop her and not have to give up the home we’ve built for ourselves and our kids.
My boyfriend is a sweet, loving person, but he gets violent when he’s drunk, and sometimes he hits me. I forgive him because I know he’s trying to stop, which is especially hard for him since both of his parents are alcoholics and his childhood was pure torture. My friends tell me I could get hurt if I don’t leave him, but I know they’re just saying that because they’re my friends and don’t know or understand my boyfriend like I do. My goal is to figure out a way to support him and get him help, so we’ll both be safe from his violence.
After getting mugged by a burglar I interrupted when I came home early, I changed the locks and installed an alarm, all of which should have made me feel strong and empowered and all that shit. Instead I have nightmares, I’m afraid to answer the doorbell, and every little noise makes me jump and hyperventilate. I’ve recovered physically but I can’t get over my fear; it’s so bad that sometimes I get anxiety attacks in the middle of the day and can barely do my job. My goal is to recover my sense of security and get back my old self.
Joan Didion famously said, “We tell ourselves stories in order to live,” but people don’t just tell their autobiographies; they’re prolific in their own fan fiction as well. Such fictions, also known as lies, are also integral to all of our lives, and one of the biggest lies we often tell ourselves is “everything is going to be okay.”
We nurture this illusion of safety so we don’t have to live in a constant state of panic, but sometimes wishful thinking makes us fool ourselves into believing we can reform either someone dangerous or our own dangerous thoughts after a random, overwhelming trauma.
The facts are, however, that we can’t count on safety even when we’re careful; neither can we stop feeling fear once it’s got hold of us, and sometimes we have to give up all we own and flee.
In any case, it takes careful thought to be realistic about safety, avoid exposure to danger for the wrong reasons, and stop blaming ourselves for the harm and losses that occur when safety is impossible.
When a relationship is unsafe and you don’t know when or how you might be attacked, a lawyer is usually your best therapist, because knowing your actual risks is the best antidote to both unreasonable fears and wishful thinking. Just don’t look for a lawyer who will listen, hold your hand, and sympathize with how unfair it is that the police and courts can’t really protect you. Lawyers charge too much for you to use them for sympathy alone, and besides, it would be a waste of time for everyone involved.
Instead, look for a lawyer who will tell you what will really happen; help you estimate your risk exposure after doing everything you can to preserve your home, relationships, etc.; and encourage you to do what’s necessary, however unfair it is that you have to do it, to protect yourself.
Don’t make the mistake of looking for a shrink who is well meaning and foolish enough to try to help you work out your relationship with a dangerous person, because pursuing such a goal can stir up and stimulate a psyche set to explode.
If you have a loved one who is dangerous but wants to control it, urge them to find a shrink who won’t waste time figuring out why they’re so angry, but will just help them put a lid on things and keep it there, regardless of the pain inside, while you stay out of it.
Even if you’ve done the right thing, don’t expect to feel good. No one controls their reaction to trauma, which may linger for years. Certainly, you should try standard PTSD treatments, like medication and cognitive therapies, which sometimes help. Remind yourself, however, that whether or not you continue to have anxiety attacks and phobias, you’ve done the right thing and you’re not to blame for your current condition.
Accepting the fact that you can’t protect yourself or your family from crazies or the fear they inspire doesn’t ever mean you’ve been defeated. It just means life is full of crazy dangers and you’re a success as long as you get the message and act accordingly, even if you have to cut off your right arm in doing so.
Indeed, every day that you venture out of your house, do your usual job, and endure fears and symptoms, you’re a hero, and in a nonfiction way.
Quick Diagnosis
Here’s what you wish for and can’t have:
• Safety, security, and control over same
• Guaranteed preservation of your closest relationships, job, home, etc.
• Exorcism of demons in those you love
• Restoration of your peace of mind
Here’s what you can aim for and actually achieve:
• Find the best compromise between safety and your other priorities in an unsafe world
• Reduce the risk of violence by walling yourself off from dangerous people, even those close to you
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