happy
• Using the same methods, develop reasonable procedures for managing tough problems
• Accept the notion that kids can suffer lots of misery, including not liking themselves, even though everyone is doing their best to do their job, including your kid
• Always remember the good things you and others are doing, despite a bad situation
• Never assume that a lack of progress means that someone has failed to do what they could have and should have done
• Never assume that your child’s lack of self-esteem is a personal failure or that it necessarily requires more work and attention on your part
Your Script
Here’s what to say to yourself or a worried third party who wonders why your kid is so unhappy and lacking in self-esteem.
Dear [Me/Relative/Teacher/Shrink/Angry Social Worker],
I share your concern about my child’s [misery/bad grades/bad behavior/status as a human black cloud] and have for some time. I think my spouse and I and [insert list of professional helpers] have come up with some good ideas about how to help him/her, and some have worked, but not enough. Right now we’re considering a new [psychotherapy/home-based care/change in meds/military school]. We see some positive signs, but it’s still touch and go. We appreciate the good help we’ve received.
No matter what popular psychology tells you, don’t pay too much attention to self-esteem, as nice as it is to have (and as often as the plea for you to like yourself comes with a pitch for a product to help you do just that). Develop your own objective methods for determining whether you or someone you care about is doing a good enough job and rely on the facts to tell you whether you should hold yourself responsible for whatever is going wrong. In almost every situation you can think of, there are commonsense procedures for defining a good-enough effort and seeing how you measure up, given whatever it is you don’t control. Then, regardless of whether your self-esteem is too low or too high, you can figure out how to make the best of bad situations, take pride in your effort, and have confidence in your ability to do the right thing. You can like what you do with your choices, even if you don’t love yourself.
Seeking justice and valuing fairness are supposed to be ideals worth pursuing, especially if you believe books by politicians, movies starring guys in capes, and shows involving law and/or order (not limited to Law & Order). Unfortunately, while justice makes for a good motivation in fiction, it’s a dangerous goal in real life.
Since movies, TV shows, and a politician’s ramblings are mostly fantasy, they can get away with depicting a world that is fundamentally just. The world we actually live in, however, is basically unfair, so seeking justice can become an excuse for pursuing unattainable dreams while ignoring important but much less satisfying obligations, like getting to work, making a living, and doing all the boring stuff, like taking out the garbage and paying the cable bill, for which capes are totally unnecessary.
Admittedly, experiencing personal injustice leaves lasting scars and a strong desire not just for revenge but for that better fantasy world where unfair acts aren’t allowed.
That’s why the need for justice and fairness is not just a philosophical notion but a deep craving that easily blinds us to consequences and the existence of other priorities. We spend our leisure hours watching criminal things happen to innocent people, just because it satisfies a deep need to see the bad guys get identified, kicked, and permanently trussed in the end.
A willingness to make sacrifices for the sake of justice is what turns you into a crusader and martyr, caped or not, but the fact that most cartoon crusaders often wear masks, uniforms, and generic faces points to another side effect of justice lust: it erases your individuality. Whatever your responsibility to friends, family, parenting, and self-protection, pursuing justice rationalizes self-endangerment and thus imposes a lower priority on all the other things that make you you.
Given the amount of evil you can cause by pursuing fairness, you should know better than to trust your instincts when you feel a strong need to right a wrong, nail a villain, or, worst of all, get closure.
At least force yourself to think of probable and unintended consequences, so you don’t wind up, say, hurting two of your children while punishing whoever hurt your third. Then redefine your goal, so that it’s not to pursue justice or punish unfairness but to accept the unfairness of the world, bear the humiliation and helplessness that go with it, and then seek to do the most good.
You need to know when to accept the fact that you’ve been fucked and know when fighting will get you further fucked and the only way to make life fair again is to move forward and treat others fairly yourself.
Defending Your Right to Live in Safety
There’s a certain kind of person—usually middle class, sometimes conservative, always in Florida—who feels that they have a right to live in safety, free from fear. This is an illusion not shared by less lucky people, many of whom are the very people who end up shot by the safety-entitled, often in Florida.
The danger of believing in your right to security, especially when faced with danger and lawlessness, is that it can draw you into either slow, unwinnable conflicts, or sudden, regrettable acts of rage. You’re safer knowing, from the beginning, that you can never count on safety, rather than having the illusion that it’s something you’re obligated to fight for. You’ll be much better at knowing when to suck it up, shut up, and/or duck and live for a better day.
The other risk in believing in your right to safety is that you feel you have a right to blame someone if you’re threatened or harmed. Sometimes, in the course of seeking help against your perceived threat, the called policeman arrives on time, the authorities place responsibility fairly, and you either wind up protected or compensated. Most times, however, the timing is wrong, the facts get distorted, and the process of pinning responsibility and getting restitution is prolonged, expensive, and possibly futile. Such ordeals also may then stimulate your tendency to ruminate over could-haves and should-haves and blame yourself. It’s better to avoid the issue of responsibility, get restitution when it’s available, and think of other things.
Instead of expecting to be safe, assume that every life can, with sufficient bad luck, turn into a war zone—your new neighbor could turn out to be a nut, you could park your car on a sinkhole, you could have a perfect bill of health and get hit by a rogue bus—and fighting to restore your safety may attract more danger and ruin your life.
If you can accept the fact that you live in a jungle, however, you may not sleep as well at night, but you’ll be more alert to danger. Then you’ll do what you can to preserve your safety, regardless of whether it requires retreat, humiliation, and victory for your enemies. And you’ll avoid blame, regardless of how frustrating it is to keep it inside, unless you’re really lucky (or at least have an excellent attorney).
You might like yourself better if you could enforce your
