to her feet, she crept out, closing the door softly behind her. If she could find no comfort there, there was only one other thing to do. Ride. When you galloped fast into the wind you could forget everything but the speed and the cold and the power of the horse between your legs. She ran to the chamber she shared with her nurse and the two maidens who were supposed to be her friends, and rummaged through the rail, looking for her heaviest mantle.
‘Matilda, come to your embroidery now, ma p’tite.’ She could hear her nurse Jeanne’s voice from the garderobe where she was sorting clothes. ‘Tilda?’ The tone sharpened.
Grabbing a fur-lined cloak, Matilda threw it round her shoulders and tiptoed to the door. Then, deaf to Jeanne’s indignant shouts she pelted down the spiral stairs.
‘Shall I come with you, young mistress?’ The groom who held her excited horse knew as well as she that her father had forbidden her to ride alone.
She flung herself into the saddle. ‘Not this time, John. Blame me if anyone’s angry.’ She raised her whip and set the horse across the high slippery cobbles of the courtyard at a canter. Once beyond the crowded muddy village she pushed the animal into a gallop, feeling her hair stream behind her in the cold wind. Galloping like this, fast, she didn’t have time to think. Not about her poor, sick father, or about the squat, red-haired man at Bramber who was destined to become her husband. Nothing mattered out here. Here she was free and happy and alone.
At the top of the hill she reined in breathlessly, pushing her tangled hair back as the wind tugged it across her eyes. She turned to look back at the village far away in the valley, and her father’s castle behind it. I need never go back, she thought suddenly. If I don’t want to, I need never go back. I could ride and ride and ride and they would never find me. Then she thought of Reginald lying so pale in his chamber, and imperceptibly she straightened her shoulders. For his sake she would go back. For his sake she would marry William de Braose. For his sake she would go to the end of the world if he asked it of her.
Sadly she turned the horse and began to pick her way back down the steep track.
For two days before the wedding the attendants of the de Braose household crowded them out, overspilling from the small castle and its walls into tents and marquees on the edge of the village. Old Sir William, a wiry hawklike man with piercing grey eyes, spent much of his time closeted with Matilda’s father, while his son hunted across the hills, sparing no time for his betrothed. Matilda was extremely glad. She had been horrified by her glimpse of the younger William, whom she had barely remembered from their introduction at their betrothal years before. She had forgotten, or perhaps then he had been different. His reddish hair and beard now framed a coarse heavily veined face with an uncompromisingly cruel mouth. He had kissed her hand once, running his eye expertly up her body, judging her, Matilda thought furiously, as if she had been a filly he was contemplating buying for his stable, then he turned away, more interested in his host’s hunting dogs than in his bride.
Reginald was too ill even to be carried in a litter to the wedding ceremony, so he summoned his daughter and new son-in-law to his room as soon as they returned from the parish church. Matilda had spent the first part of the day in a frozen daze. She allowed herself to be dressed in her finest gown and mantle without interest. She followed Jeanne down to the hall and gave her arm to old Sir William without a flicker of emotion on her face. Then she walked with him to the church without any sign that she heard or even saw the gay procession of men and women who followed them. But her fists were bunched so tightly into her skirt that her nails had bitten into her palms. ‘Please, Holy Mother, don’t let it happen. Please, Holy Mother, don’t let it happen.’ She was murmuring the phrase over and over again under her breath like a magic charm. If she kept on saying it, without stopping, it would work. It must work.
She scarcely saw when Sir William left her side in the church porch and his son took his place. She didn’t hear a word of the service as the old half-blind priest gabbled the form, shivering in his surplice as the autumn leaves tossed round them and a few drops of icy rain splattered in under the porch roof. Even later, as she knelt to kiss her father’s hand, she was dazed. It was not until he put gentle fingers beneath her chin and tilted it a little to look into her face, murmuring, ‘Be happy, sweetheart, and pray for your old father,’ that her control broke. She flung herself at him, clinging to him, her fingers wound into the wool of the blankets. ‘Please, please don’t die. Darling, darling Papa, don’t make me go with him, please –’
Hastily William stepped forward, his hands on her arms, and he dragged her off the bed. ‘Control yourself, madam,’ he hissed at her sharply. ‘Come away. Can’t you see your father’s upset? Don’t make it worse. Come quickly.’ His voice was rough.
Tearing herself free of his grip, Matilda rounded on him. ‘Don’t touch me!’ she almost spat at him, her eyes blazing. ‘I’ll stay with my father as long as I please, sir!’
William was taken aback. He stepped forward awkwardly, frowning. ‘You must do as I say, Matilda. You’re my wife now.’
‘Yes, I’m your wife, God pity me,’ she whispered in anguish, ‘but I’m his daughter first.’ She was shaking with fear and anger.
‘Matilda, please.’ Reginald stretched out painfully to lay his fingers on her arm. ‘Obey your husband, sweetheart. Leave me to sleep now.’ He tried to smile, but his lids were falling. The familiar blackness was closing round him. ‘Go, sweetheart,’ he mumbled. ‘Please go.’
With one longing agonised look at him Matilda turned away. She glanced at William as he reached forward to take her arm and then dodged past him, gathering her skirts in her hands and, blind with tears, she ran towards the door.
The wedding feast was interminable. She only nibbled at the food on the platter in front of her which she shared with her husband. He was drinking vast quantities of wine, roaring with laughter at the bawdy jokes of the men near him, rocking towards her every so often, trying to plant a kiss on her cheek or her shoulder.
She gritted her teeth and reached for her own goblet, and, trying not to let the tiny seed of panic inside her grow, she kept thinking of the peaceful warm glow of the candle in her father’s room, and of the gentle, lined face on the pillow and the loving reassuring touch of his hands.
The bed was strewn with flowers. Matilda stood, clutching her embroidered bedgown tightly round her, not daring to look at her husband as he chased the last of the giggling women out of the room. His face was blurred with wine and lust as he turned triumphantly to her at last.
‘So. My wife.’ He leered a little, his own fur-trimmed gown held round his waist by a gilded leather girdle. She stood transfixed, her back to the high shuttered window, her hands once more tight fists at her sides. She was much taller than he, but so slight he could have snapped her in half with one blow from his enormous fist.
Her heart was beating very fast as he raised his hands to her shoulders. She wanted to push him away, to run, to scream, but somehow she forced herself to stand still as he loosed her girdle and thrust the gown back from her shoulders. She made no attempt to hold it as it fell, sliding from her unresponsive arms to the floor, billowing out in blues and silvers around her knees, leaving her standing before him, naked. Almost wonderingly he raised a hand and touched her shoulder, drawing his calloused fingers down across her breast. Then he seized her, crushing her to him, running his hand down her back, over her buttocks, fondling, caressing. Her hair fell in a dark auburn curtain across her face as he lifted her onto the bed and she made no attempt to push it away. She lay limp after a first involuntary struggle of protest at what he did, biting her lips in pain, trying not to cry out as the agony of his thrusting tore through her and the first dark drops of blood stained the bridal sheets. Then
