Apparently his trick was to give the Pales-tinian representatives a room first, then put the Israelis in one next door, and wait. Initial talks went better than expected due to Kerry’s radical approach. He told Middle East peace envoy Tony Blair they were being held in Turkey. Blair’s not had the best record in his role. He has more the air of a man sent ahead to check stabling facilities for the Four Horsemen.
Allegations of chemical weapons being used by the Syrian government have raised the possibility of Western intervention. To summarise, the Syrians are killing each other with the wrong type of weapons, so we’re going to kill them. Syria’s war is much easier to bear if you think of the past two years of death and destruction as an elaborate opening ceremony to World War Three. Poor Syria. Now the papers have started printing pictures of dead children, maybe we will see the ones killed in US drone attacks, or shall we wait for the hardback coffee table book? The heartbreaking photos have opened the world’s eyes – if you want people to care about your dead children make sure they die in a way that’s not icky to photograph.
One of Syria’s tactics is trying to destabilise Iraq by flooding it with refugees. A bit like a humanitarian version of Buckaroo. Interesting how it’s often the militant Islamists whom Arab dictators are killing; wonder where they got that idea from? Looks like any invading American force would have to start their mission by saying, ‘Now . . . this is awkward . . .’
I can’t believe our MPs voted not to back the US. The UK’s going to look as stupid as back in the 1960s, when we chose not to follow them into Vietnam. As I write, we’re being told that, unlike Danny Dyer, America must now act to maintain its credibility. The UK said any bombing would only be for 12 hours – but remember to always round projected war timings up to the nearest decade. The big question is all about UN approval. Does the West need to bother pretending to get it or not? It’s all about making surgical strikes. From 100 miles offshore. Like having your appendix removed by a circus knife-thrower.
Things are now so bad there that Bernie Ecclestone’s put in a call to President Assad about hosting a Grand Prix and we’ve been dropping in troops as ‘advisors’. It’s all perfectly legal so long as when they shoot someone they say ‘I advise you to die.’ In some ways I suppose Syria’s lucky. Imagine how bad things would be there without the years of skilful work by Mr Blair.
Blair says we must take a stand against al-Qaeda in North Africa. Although obviously he doesn’t mean that he personally will be taking a stand as he doesn’t want to get shot. He’d like you or your kids to get shot, for something that the untrained eye might think should possibly be the business of, and I admit I’m going way out on a limb here, North Africans. Cameron’s warned that the UK could be fighting al-Qaeda there for decades. Or to put it another way, until the oil runs out.
Cameron even did a tour of North Africa’s most dangerous spots. That’s a bit like the head of an abusive, violent family visiting the foster homes all his grandchildren have been placed in, then lecturing them that they need to behave if they’re ever going to get anywhere. Cameron visited Martyrs’ Square in Tripoli, where the riots began. Wonder when he last popped in on Tottenham?
No one seems to be concerned that we’re just about to launch a war against Africa. I’m guessing the public will only begin to take notice when a cluster bomb intended for a primary school hiding enemy combatants accidentally kills a baby elephant. If the war in Africa escalates, Broadway musicals will be uniquely placed to react to events with a topical show by simply performing The Lion King and Miss Saigon in the same theatre. This might be the only campaign where the RAF drops red noses before doing a loop and then launching missiles.
Western leaders have expressed their support for the new government of Libya, telling them it’s a time for calm, reflection and rearmament. Hopefully, the rival clans will now be brought together by their rich shared history, going back almost sixty years when their country was created by the French and the English whipping out a pen and ruler after a piss-up.
Libya is far from poor. Apart from its oil, being 90 per cent desert has made it the world’s largest exporter of egg timers. They could now make a fortune from tourism. The beautiful coastline and Roman ruins make it ideal. Plus all the random weaponry would be ideal for men on stag weekends to rent for drunken camel shoots.
The campaign was a triumph for NATO, their in-house magazine praising the campaign of air strikes with the headline, ‘4 schools, 2 hospitals . . . but no weddings this time!’ The campaign does send a strong message to the remaining tyrants in the Middle East. Look what might happen if you drive too hard a bargain with our oil companies.
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