shy of paying his bills. Facing this reality gave Andrew the motivation he needed to begin applying for new jobs. The fear of not being able to pay his bills had to outweigh the fear of getting a new job that paid better.
Just like Andrew, many people worry that doing something different may make things even worse. Maybe you don’t like the house you’re living in, but you worry that a new home could have even bigger problems. Or maybe you worry about ending a relationship because you are afraid you won’t ever find anyone better. So you convince yourself to keep things the same, even if you’re not happy.
Avoiding Discomfort
Many people associate change with discomfort. And often, they underestimate their ability to tolerate the discomfort that accompanies a behavioral change. Richard knew what changes he needed to make to improve his health, but he didn’t want to give up foods he liked or feel the pain that accompanies a workout. And he worried that losing weight meant he’d have to be hungry. He dreaded all those realities, but he didn’t realize that these slight discomforts were just that, and nothing worse. It wasn’t until he began gaining confidence in his ability to tolerate discomfort that he truly felt like making further changes.
Grief
Tiffany came to therapy because she wanted to change her spending habits. Her shopping had become out of control, and she felt stressed because she was carrying around huge credit card balances. She didn’t want to keep spending but at the same time, she didn’t want to change. When we discussed some of her concerns about what would happen if she tried to stick to a budget, she discovered that she didn’t want to give up time with her friends, because she and her girlfriends often spent Saturday afternoons shopping together. She thought the only way to curb her spending meant giving up time with her friends, which she feared would lead to loneliness.
Doing something different means giving something up. And there’s often a grief associated with leaving something behind. To spare ourselves this grief, we can convince ourselves not to change. Tiffany would have rather held on to her girls’ day at the mall than avoid financial ruin.
The Problem with Shying Away from Change
Shying away from change can have serious consequences. In Richard’s case, continuing his current habits would likely take a serious toll on his health. The longer he delayed making change, the more irreversible damage he was likely to suffer.
But avoiding change doesn’t always have just physical consequences. Remaining stagnant can also interfere with personal growth in other areas of your life.
• Staying the same often equals getting stuck in a rut. Life can get pretty boring if you don’t do anything differently. A person who simply decides to keep things as mundane and low-key as possible isn’t likely to experience a rich, full life and might become depressed.
• You won’t learn new things. The world will change with or without you. Don’t think that your choice not to change will prevent anyone else from embracing change. You’ll risk being left in the dust if you choose to keep doing everything the same for the rest of your life.
• Your life may not get better. If you don’t change, you can’t make your life better. Many problems that are waiting to be solved require you to do something different. But if you aren’t willing to try something new, those issues are likely to remain unresolved.
• You won’t challenge yourself to develop healthier habits. It’s easy to develop bad habits. Breaking bad habits requires a willingness to try something new.
• Other people will outgrow you. “My husband isn’t the same man I married thirty years ago.” I hear this all the time in my office, and my response is usually, “Let’s hope not.” I hope everyone grows and changes over the course of thirty years. If you are unwilling to challenge yourself and improve, others may grow bored with you.
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