thinking and talking about her disdain for her. This exercise helped her see how she was giving her mother-in-law power over many areas of her life. When she could have devoted her energy to nurturing her relationship with her husband or caring for her children, she was often thinking about how much she disliked Jackie.
Once Lauren recognized how much power she was giving Jackie, she chose to start making some changes. She worked with her husband on setting healthy boundaries for their family. Together, they established rules that would help them limit the influence Jackie had on their family. They told Jackie that she could no longer make unannounced visits several times per week. Instead, they would invite her over for dinner when they wanted to visit with her. They also informed her that she could no longer undermine Lauren’s authority as a mother, and if she did, she’d be asked to leave. Lauren also chose to stop complaining about Jackie. She recognized that venting to her friends and her husband only fueled her frustration and wasted her time and energy.
Slowly, but surely, Lauren began to feel like she was getting her life and her house back. She no longer dreaded Jackie’s visits once she recognized she didn’t have to tolerate rude or disrespectful behavior in her home. Instead, she could control what went on under her own roof.
Empowering other People to have Power Over You
Giving other people the power to control how you think, feel, and behave makes it impossible to be mentally strong. Do any of the points below sound familiar?
Can you see yourself in any of the above examples? Retaining your power is about being confident in who you are and the choices you make, despite the people around you and the circumstances you’re in.
Why We Give away Our Power
Lauren was clear that she really wanted to be a nice person, and she thought that being a good wife meant tolerating her mother-in-law at all costs. She felt it would be disrespectful to ask her mother-in-law not to come over and she was hesitant to speak up when her feelings were hurt. She’d been raised to “turn the other cheek” when someone treated her poorly. But with help, she was able to see that setting healthy boundaries wasn’t being mean or disrespectful. Instead, setting limits on what was allowed in her own home was healthy for her family and less taxing on her mental strength.
Anytime you don’t set healthy emotional and physical boundaries for yourself, you risk giving away your power to other people. Perhaps you don’t dare say no when your neighbor asks for a favor. Or maybe you dread receiving a phone call from a friend who constantly complains, but you continue to pick up on the first ring. Each time you avoid saying no to something you really don’t want, you give away your power. If you don’t make any attempt to get your needs met, you’ll give people permission to take things away from you.
A lack of emotional boundaries can be equally problematic. If you don’t like the way someone treats you, yet you don’t stand up for yourself, you give that person power over your life.
The Problem with Giving away Your Power
Lauren allowed her mother-in-law to control what sort of an evening she was going to have. If Jackie showed up, Lauren felt angry and bitter about the fact that she wasn’t getting to spend quality time with her children. On the days Jackie didn’t come to her home, Lauren felt much more relaxed. She allowed Jackie’s behavior to interfere with her relationship with her children, as well as her marriage.
Instead of spending her spare time talking to her husband and her friends about enjoyable subjects, she wasted her energy complaining about Jackie. She even found herself sometimes volunteering to work late because she wasn’t excited about going home when she knew Jackie was going to be there. The longer she gave her power to Jackie, the more helpless she became about fixing it.
There are many problems with giving away your power:
• You depend on others to regulate your feelings. When you give away your power, you become completely dependent upon other people and external circumstances to regulate your emotions. Life often becomes like a roller coaster—when things are going well, you’ll feel good; but when your circumstances change, your thoughts, feelings, and behavior will shift.
• You let other people define your self-worth. If you give others the power to determine your self-worth, you’ll never feel worthy enough. You’ll only be as good as someone else’s opinion of you and you will never be able to receive enough praise or positive feedback to meet your needs if you depend on others to feel good about yourself.
• You avoid addressing the real problem. Giving away your power lends itself to helplessness. Rather than focus on what you can do to improve the situation, you’ll find an excuse to justify your problems.
• You become a victim of your circumstances. You’ll become a passenger in your own life rather than a driver. You’ll say other people make you feel bad or force you to behave in a manner you don’t like. You’ll blame others instead of accepting responsibility for your choices.
• You become highly sensitive to criticism.
