Ruth sends book tokens at Christmas,’ added Eleanor, ever the voice of diplomacy, as George snorted his derision.
Ted was shaking his head. Charlie could feel the frustration emanating from him but before she could attempt to allay his fears he stood up abruptly.
‘This is bloody ridiculous!’ he bellowed before roughly pushing back his chair and stomping out of the room.
‘Bloody ridiculous!’ repeated Millie as she lifted her skirt and flashed at the solicitor. Charlie let a heavy sigh escape.
Looking back, Ted had been more than a challenge to care for; underneath his couldn’t-care-less exterior was a boy who longed to have more of his mother’s time. In Ted’s eyes Charlie’s arrival had further displaced his mother. At the start there were full-blown shouting matches between them, and Charlie had placed Ted at the top of her ‘Kipper List’.
The ‘Kipper List’ was a long list of people that Charlie would like to beat around the head with a wet kipper. Yes, a wet kipper was her weapon of choice. Over the years she had been offered various suggestions for how to manage her fiery temper and she had found this the most effective. The original suggestion had been a lot less colourful and nowhere near as effective, but Charlie’s variation seemed to work a treat. Charlie could happily visualise slapping the offending individual with a wet kipper and she felt it was a fitting approach to those who upset her, whilst unlikely to get her into any serious trouble. Charlie had only ever told one person about her ‘Kipper List’ method of anger management; a particularly uptight therapist who looked like she needed her own stress-release mechanism. However, when Charlie had explained the process the therapist had unhelpfully pointed out that kippers were not large and wet, as Charlie had described, and had provided a detailed account of the herring-to-kipper process, during which Charlie had visualised the therapist being battered senseless with a giant wet kipper whilst she herself stayed completely calm, which proved beyond doubt that the method truly worked.
Charlie made her apologies to the solicitor over the top of Millie’s repetition of ‘Bloody ridiculous!’ There were much simpler words she struggled to pronounce like ‘banana’ or ‘cereal’ but ‘bloody’ and ‘ridiculous’ evidently weren’t causing her any such issues.
As Charlie tried to herd the children through the waiting area as quickly as possible a tall blonde-haired man strode past them. He glanced at Charlie, but as he saw the miserable-looking children surrounding her he quickly turned his head away. Still, he wasn’t to know that she was only the nanny.
Back at home Ted and Charlie stared into their respective mugs.
‘What do you know about Aunt Ruth and Uncle Felix?’ asked Charlie, trying to sound relaxed, but it still came out like the start of an inquisition. Ted sighed heavily.
‘You’ve met Aunt Ruthless,’ he said, and looked up as if that was explanation enough.
‘She seems… okay,’ said Charlie, sipping her drink and avoiding eye contact.
‘Okay?’ questioned Ted. ‘Yeah, if you were stuck next to her on a train for an hour, perhaps, but okay to take the place of our parents?’ Charlie pulled a face like someone discovering a maggot in an apple. Ted continued, ‘She would only look okay when compared to a rabid wolf and then it would be touch and go who to choose. In fact, I think wolves have quite a strong nurturing instinct.’ He gave a wry smile.
‘I agree she’s not the warmest of people, but she seemed, um, efficient.’
‘Charlie, I am not having Aunt Ruthless move in here so she can bully all of us and use the trust fund to shore up her failing company.’
‘She’s not that bad and don’t call her Ruthless or Millie will pick it up and…’
Ted grinned over his coffee mug. Charlie shook her head in mock despondency. They sat in silence again, the only sound was of muffled footsteps upstairs as Fleur played with the other children. Fleur was Charlie’s oldest friend and should have been baby-sitting that morning so Charlie could have gone to the solicitor’s alone, but something had come up and Fleur hadn’t made it in time. Better late than never, thought Charlie.
The sound of frantic high-speed paws almost tumbling down the stairs towards them made them both turn to see the arrival of Wriggly. He was a brown-and-white Llasa Apso puppy with an amazing pedigree birth line and an even longer pedigree name that was no good for day-to-day use. After much debate and a secret vote, they had finally settled on the name Mr Wriggly. Charlie still felt that it had some inappropriate overtones, but she’d been outvoted. Thankfully it had soon been shortened to Wriggly. Today Wriggly was wearing a Star Wars Ewok costume and was closely followed by Princess Leia, a storm trooper and a mini version of Darth Vader.
‘George, Wriggly will overheat in that outfit. Take it off, please,’ asked Charlie as the storm trooper removed his mask.
‘But we’re being chased by a Cyberman!’ said Eleanor, adjusting her Princess Leia Chelsea-bun-style hairband.
‘Shhhhh,’ said Darth Vader. Not having seen the films, this was Millie’s interpretation of the Darth Vader breathing noise. George had given up trying to teach her how to do it properly.
‘Cyberman?’ queried Ted and he glanced at Charlie with raised eyebrows.
An odd-looking Cyberman walked awkwardly down the stairs like an Egyptian mummy from a black-and-white film. The key differences being the swathes of auburn hair bouncing behind it and the patent high-heeled shoes. George and Eleanor screamed and ran for the garden.
‘Shhhhh,’ said Darth Vader before giggling and following the others.
‘Fleur, you are useless when it comes to sci-fi,’ said Charlie.
The Cyberman spun in her direction, removed the mask and studied it. ‘Is this not Star Wars?’
Charlie shook her head, ‘Dr Who.’
‘Bugger,’ said Fleur as she flopped onto a barstool.
‘Thanks for baby-sitting, Fleur. They love playing with you.’
‘It’s the least I can do after messing up this morning. Sorry. How are things?’
‘Not great, but we’re managing,’ said Charlie, exchanging grimaces with Ted.
‘I think you’re all amazing. I’d be a mess if it were me. Ma and Pa send their love and Pa says thanks for keeping me busy. He says if I mention the wedding at home once more he’s moving into the stables.’ She huffed. ‘You’d think I’d turned into some sort of Bridezilla.’
Charlie and Ted exchanged looks and sipped their drinks in unison.
‘What? I can’t help being excited, it’s not long now. Eeeek!’ squealed Fleur. Ted winced.
The back doors opened and the compact version of the Star Wars cast came thundering back in. ‘George! Remove the Ewok costume!’ said Charlie with authority. ‘Go on, all of you back upstairs, I’ll call you when dinner is ready,’ and Charlie dismissed them with a wave
