sit around and talk.’
‘Sitting around and talking are what people do,’ said Ellie. ‘Showing off their arses to each other is what monkeys do.’ She held up a Pringle and a cashew nut. ‘See?’ She waved the Pringle. ‘People sized brain’, then the cashew, ‘monkey sized brain. People brain – monkey brain. Ellie brain – Big Bastard brain.’
She ate the cashew nut.
‘Big Bastard brain all gone.’
‘And they’re all poofs.’
‘How could they all be poofs? Some of them go out with some of the other ones of the opposite sex.’
‘That doesn’t necessarily mean they’re not a poof.’
‘Um, yes it does. Oh, Big Bastard, I’m sorry I ate your brain.’
‘Well, I’m going to have some of my mates round.’
‘What, so that you and all your non-poof friends can spend the day showing each other your butts?’
‘I might have them round tonight after the pub.’
‘You will not!’
‘My flat darlin’.’
‘Yeah, your flat which will get completely done in when your pissed up friends start picking fights with each other. Or themselves; you all look the fucking same. You’d better take that mirror down, they’re like budgies.’
‘We do not look the fucking same.’
‘Okay, what would you say is the top shirt designer of choice amongst every single one of your friends?’
Big Bastard shrugged. ‘Who cares? Clothes are for girls.’
‘It wouldn’t be Ben Sherman by any chance would it?’
He shrugged again, but his ears went slightly pink. ‘So what? ’S comfortable.’
‘And what about shoes? A little beige number perhaps? With connotations of being Big Masculine Woodcutters?? Okay, you bring back all your nongay friends with peanut brains to show each other your arses and worship Johnny Vaughn. We’ll see you later.’
‘I’m putting your rent up.’
‘I’m reporting you to the Inland Revenue for having an undeclared tenant.’
He’d stomped out of the house snarling, although not before Arthur had arrived and maliciously called him duckie.
‘I can’t believe the way you turn into Graham Norton whenever you see Big Bastard,’ Ellie said, straightening out her fishnet tights.
‘That’s my militant side, sweetheart. It’ll do him good in the long run, you’ll see. Anyone with that much testosterone can’t possibly be straight anyway.’
‘Oh, he is. I know, because when he thinks I’m not looking, he touches himself when there are those girls on television who sing pop songs in their school uniform.’
Ellie glanced into the mirror, smoothed down her black curly hair and removed some cashew nut debris from between her teeth. She always felt scruffy next to Arthur, who pretended that his immaculate appearance was a natural gift from God.
‘Deviant. Okay, what are we all here for? You never normally have us round here unless you’ve broken something.’
‘That’s not true,’ said Ellie. ‘What about that time I needed to borrow money?’
Siobhan filed in warily.
‘You realize I left work early for this?’
‘Siobhan, it’s eight-thirty. Was there anyone else in the building?’
‘Just some people I know.’
‘Okay, how many non-security personnel were there apart from you?’
Siobhan pouted and stretched out on Big Bastard’s chair, removing a half-eaten multi-pack of KitKats.
‘God, that flatmate of yours eats like a horse.’
‘Eats like a horse, farts like a horse and you don’t even want to know what it’s like when Carmel’s round.’
‘No I most certainly don’t,’ said Siobhan. She looked tired and drawn. ‘Patrick can’t make it. He’s working on some buyout. Or it’s his evening class. God that’s weird; I can’t even remember. Christ, I’m so knackered.’
Ellie put a glass of wine in her hand.
‘Uh huh. I think I might have something that can cure that.’
‘Alcohol! Excellent!’
‘I thought you were never drinking again after we reached Kahlua,’ said Arthur.
‘I don’t remember saying that. Although to be fair, I don’t remember getting home.’
‘No. Not alcohol. It’s my fabulous and brilliant plan. But we’ll need to wait for everyone to arrive.’
‘Ehm, I told Colin he could come,’ said Arthur.
‘You didn’t. He’s so not in on the big plan.’
‘It’s alright, I’ll make him hand round the nibbles.’
‘Yeah, ’cause it’s illegal for him to serve spirits.’
‘Very funny. I’ll have you know that beneath that childish veneer there’s a very old soul.’
‘Fuck off!’
‘True. Well, old soul, good muscle definition – call it what you will.’
‘Sorry we’re late,’ said Loxy apologetically, sticking his head round the door. ‘I stopped to get Jules some flowers on the way home from work and missed my train.’
‘Bloody idiot,’ said Julia over his shoulder, putting down her suede handbag and kissing everyone within reach. ‘Hello, hello. Okay, what’s going on? And if it’s Monopoly, include me out.’
‘Okay, everyone,’ began Ellie.
‘Hang on,’ said Siobhan. ‘Annabel and George aren’t here.’
‘They’re too old for this plan.’
‘That’s not very fair. They’re the same age as us.’
‘I bet you,’ said Ellie severely, ‘one million squillion pounds that by the time we do this plan, Annabel will be up the duff anyway. Sproglets leaking from every orifice.’
‘What on earth is the plan?’
‘Okay,’ said Ellie again. She got up and went over to Big
